I'd Rather Not.

They say that when your desires manifest in your subconscious, then there is a certain level of depth and yearning beyond what you initially acknowledged. 

I don't know about that but I do know that you have been occupying my dreams quite often since the day I  met you. I have been vocal about wanting to get to you know especially to my friends and other random people who have no idea who you are. But after that moment when our world was convulsed in sweet and abrupt collision, I have to say everything about you and me, is not written in the stars. AT ALL. 

Before I realized that, I thought otherwise. By some sort of intervention by the universe, I found out that your best friend and I have a common friend and it was through her that I learned to latch on some sort of hope and inch closer to getting to know you. I came to know of your life dreams, your issues, your baggage, your hobbies and other stuff. Things that, in reference to our short-lived text conversations, would not have come from your non-initiative to share anyway. 

And then my interest began to grow, owing that curiosity to the fact that our commonalities are more than what we bargained for and are simply hard to ignore. You were a refreshing break from the people I used to like and I thought that maybe you're finally this someone that I need. So I mustered up the energy to make my presence felt every once in a while, hoping that you would notice me again and remember why you asked for my number that fateful day in the first place. 

To no avail.

It was only after several attempts that I realized you are as disinterested as a rock placed in front of a purring cat. You may have had your share of weird episodes in the way you 'reached out' (or should I say, misdialed my number or was supposed to ask me something but then you decided not to) but I was getting tired of trying to make you look my way. 

Despite this, even if I have begun to think of you less each day, you are still there in my dreams to stay. 

I've finally accepted that life was just giving me a reminder: guys like you still exist but do not necessarily linger. I became a bit furious at the thought that had you not come up to me and ask for my name and number then I wouldn't even be in this mess. That was a bit insensitive and unfair. But well, sh*t happens. What's worse is I couldn't bury this deep at all since our network dictates that this year might be a stretch of possibilities in seeing each other. I wonder how my heart would react the next time I see your face. 

I may, perhaps, still watch you from a distance and sigh at the lost opportunity of making this more than what it is. I may continue to be surprised when you suddenly appear in my dreams and beat myself up every morning in order to shake that feeling of being hung over from your intoxicating presence. 

But if this is the best that it gets and I can never break your walls or spur any sign of interest, then it's time for me to get off this one-way street and carry on. Because a heartbreak from a person oblivious to my feelings is too much of a familiar alley and I would rather not go back. 

Safe Place

I've been gone for too long since the year kicked in. Been having a blast lately: school has ended, all the kids are out and here I am juggling an impossible schedule.

Work is a bit bittersweet. I keep learning new things everyday, meeting a lot of people and putting my skills to greater heights. Adjusting to an experienced group may be a tough job to keep but that's why I always try to balance it with things that keep me sane. Despite everything being new to me: the pace, the people and the endless possibilities, I am happy that I get to have the best of both worlds. Feeling fulfilled because all my KRAs are measurable and having the time (and money) to open new doors for passion projects are more than what I bargained for.

Travel is still at the top of my priorities. Though I kind of removed it from the top spot because of investments in the works and my nonsense logic to always do things in a linear fashion, I still can't survive a month without traveling. I celebrated my birthday with my family in HK and sans the bad weather in Macau, it was probably one of the most maximized trips I've ever done. This is also my only time to rejoin my friends - my closest - since I'm finding it hard to create a travel niche in my new work place. Being the youngest and only unmarried person can stretch your character in both ways - you teach yourself to absorb so much knowledge and experience at work and you get to relish the fact that you still have ample time to enjoy all of your youth compared to the people around you.

Sports is my second priority. After going on a volleyball hiatus for two years, I've finally gone back to the tribe in the village league. I'm still a bit rusty as evidenced in the past games but being able to play just makes me feel so home. I've also joined my friends in their after work swim and jogging sessions. Coupled with the right diet, I do believe it's high time that I cut down the excess baggage and redeem my glory days. This will also be good for my chronic back pain/scoliosis paranoia.

Passion is passion. On top of all these, I have a long list of plans doodled in my planner. A lot of which I could only dream about before but are slowly and finally taking their course, and some I still need to heavily work on. I have neglected some of my commitments because of trying to take in too much which makes my feel frustrated. I'm trying to keep my handpicked responsibilities on track along with my Gantt chart so that I can come out in one piece after every project. The election campaign, the NGO, the teaching, public speaking, the singing, the cooking, have always been a backbone to who I am.

All in all, I'm in a very safe place - nothing too extreme, no drama, what have you. Turning 24 made me take on decisions for my life that finally instigated the turning point that I've always needed. I needed to stop comparing myself to others, building too much expectations and overanalyzing the simplest of situations. While I'm generally working on these things, choosing to let go and take action has made wonders. I finally feel a simple little kind of free. :)

First Day Funk

What do you know I have another pending entry before I decided to compose this? It got bumped off because it was incomplete and my Multiply export tool is taking forever to download all of my memories circa 2006. I was planning to do a top 20 list complete with pictures and everything as a tribute to my insanely colorful past. 

But okay. Here goes. 

It's barely a minute before 1AM and I'm up doing leftover reports for my former employer. Yup. Tomorrow is my official first day at the new palace. I never thought it would be more exciting than it should, but it is. The only reason why I'm still up is because of the adrenaline rush (despite the tiring 4 day 'hiatus/self-errands' transition period) that's been picking on my nerves. I booked a lunch date with a friend (who I think is reluctant to show up since he didn't rsvp) and a dinner with my marketing foursome (I kind of have to call them that now since that has to be our x factor) just to keep the day's momentum. 

I can't believe I'm back to square one. A week ago, I couldn't believe that I was leaving the place I called home for over two bittersweetly agonizing and euphoric years. The decision to transfer to another company, let alone a bigger, more mature, more economically relevant one was a bit of a surprise for me too. But I felt that, and this of course is paired with reasons known to my peers and I, it was really time for me to grow and move forward to do greater things like I am destined to. 

A room full of unfamiliar faces is enough to make me press the panic button, what more an entire building? It's like freshman year all over again. Despite not being able to tidy up my warehouse of a room (still longing for the time I can vacate and move to the new higher ground) I have already packed my bag with notebook and pen, decided on my outfit and of course prettified myself for the occasion - such a cliche. I'm ready as hell to take the new road again. I guess what makes me more excited is the fact that I can take more challenges now and buckets of to do lists await me plus the fact that I feel I'm becoming a more responsible and a wiser person each day. Couple that with the perk of earning at least 3x more to give way for my lifestyle (hello travels, investments, stocks, masters, business) and the time to do so many other things like my orgs. 

I left with a caveat from most of my friends and professional peers that if I left because of a few unpleasant people at work, this bigger sea I'm about to dive in has 100x more filled with them.  In the first place I didn't and of course, I already knew that. And that's no big deal.Because no matter where I am, I know I'm a step closer to where I should be. 

Christmas Wish List :)

HELLO! Long time! As per usual, I have failed to keep this blog alive thanks to all the yuppie problems enough to keep me busy on a daily basis.  

Some good news: I have kept true to my promise of cooking meals for my family on a weekly basis, I have found a way to solve my career dilemma, I have remedied a few of my short sighted crises in the past months. In fact, 4Q is turning out to be the best period of the year so far. 

In the middle of all the pre-holiday planning, pre-shopping and food scouting for the looming festive season, I took the initiative to organize all probable expenses into a wish list. This way, I will be able to  prioritize the assortment of goodies I already earmarked since day 1 of our pre-shopping spree this first week of October. 

1) Table top oven 
    I have not been able to test my skills in baking and desserts because the gas range and the oven     have yet to be replaced here at home. Thank God my parents are allowing me to buy a smaller oven this Christmas. I saw one today while looking for a portable emergency light (because my parents are really paranoid about typhoons and the climate change) which is a bit under 10k. Pwede na! I'll treat it as part capital for a hobby-business. Hahaha.

Goodbye to no-bake desserts! I already have a gazillion ideas in mind, maybe even do this as a sideline on weekends. I've done a mental layout of the packaging and sticker design to top it all off. Hahaha :) 

2) Baking and cooking materials 
    Of course I won't be able to pursue sweets and pastries without the right cooking ensemble. I've been eyeing on the basics but nothing fancy. Just the few that will help me survive since I have been using improvised molding pans for quite a while. Hahaha. I also need a sushi mat, outdoor grill and food processor. Hihihi :) 


3) External Hard Drive 
    Yes, I love my series. Plus I'm working on some freelance projects for PS and web content. I might need to free up some space and give way for a formal portfolio. I'm kind of lazy to take pictures lately but since I'm looking at upgrading my camera, hope I can do my 2012 travel photodump soon! :) This year was indeed the beginning of my travel years ;) 

4) Classes 
    Since I'm still on my 2nd year off of graduation, I have a year before I can pursue parttime teaching and eventually an MD, so I want to invest in all types of learning I could use. Short courses on cooking, Adobe apps and of course another set of refresher course for driving. Finally getting wheels (oh so delayed gratification) but I don't know if I'm happy since I'll be paying for it and the gas. I might have to lay off on the clothes and travel for a while. It's a good thing I've already invested in great gadgets this year. 

5) Treadmill 
    With my mom lobbying for opposition, my dad and I have been canvassing for treadmills that we can use when our veranda gets built. Nothing can surely replace jogging in Makati parks, but let's face it. This is a more practical (and lazy-friendly) way to ensure that we all do our mandated dose of cardio every day, even during the rainy season. Here's hoping my mom isn't right about us. Hahahaha. 

Well what else? Looking at my wish list, I can see that I'm maturing in terms of selecting purchases and investments. I hope everything fits my budget since we're upgrading almost everything in the house starting November. 

I'm so excited! Never been more excited for the holidays! I have a lot of dinners, reunions and travel lined up for this! :D 


    
    

The Quarter Quell

A seemingly plateauing career with several mountains and avalanches of workload. 

Always the first to come in and the last to leave. 

Heightened caffeine intake. 

Increased weight and body fat. Delinquency in health. 

Clothes that don't fit. 

Negligence of personal care. 

Unfinished passion projects. 

Long overdue to-do lists. 

Speech slur. 

Overwhelming responsibilities and accountabilities. 

Never ending and unjust deadlines. 

Dissatisfied friends finally taking the huge leap of faith to leave. Something you have been planning to do for the longest time. 

An empty bank account and wallet. 

Autopilot social sessions. 

Not seeing great friends for too long. 

Long time couple friends getting engaged. 

Long time couple friends getting married (at 23).

Nagging parental authorities.  

The call that never comes. 

The plans that have not materialized. 

What is this? 

Signs

When wheeling around a decision that is bound to utterly change your life, you will always go for the standard method of singling the other one out. The pros and cons checklist. 

But what if, all circumstances granted, the pros and the cons don't seem to outweigh one another? What will you do? 

You pray to God, and ask for a sign. 

This week I've had a couple. 

In the nearness of the highly anticipated pre-clincher activity, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about God sending me the signs. I wanted to prepare myself and gradually be inclined to the more favorable outcome. 

1) I let go of all the usual anxiety at work despite all the looming deadlines and they, in one way or another, found a way to deliver themselves.  

2) On the first day of school, I asked the cab driver to take the usual route, despite the qualms about slow moving traffic in Service Road. He told me we would take the express way but I insisted on going the usual direction. 

We took the Service Road and we breezed through it. No traffic, just a 5 minute ride all the way. 

I was right in trusting my instincts and in taking the risk. I took the way I trusted more and it was smooth sailing. 

3) The biggest sign? I was asked to submit writing samples. I dug deep into my HD to retrieve all reaction papers and position essays that I did in college. (Since, in the absence of such at my present work, I have none)

I found this in one SOMBA paper that I wrote for a post-talk reflection on starting a business. 

 Of all the people I quoted right? :) 

Who is John Rockefeller? You'll find out soon enough! 

Fingers crossed! 

A Real Food Blog

Today I was talking with parents regarding my career and a possible change in route (this early). It was a pretty sneaky ninja attack since I told them that I've already laid out some action to progress my plan and I was just waiting for the favorable results. In short, I wasn't just thinking of doing it, I have done something about it. 

Of course, as usual, they have always trusted my guts and instincts ergo very little reason not to support my cause. I just promised them a couple of things that would buy me time before I make the move and I was very certain that I could get the spot. What this is, I'm sure to update you when it's already final. 

So during the course of the conversation I tricked my mom and my dad into thinking that I wanted to take a degree in culinary. Hahaha :) OF COURSE NOT. As a not-so-recently transformed foodie and cooking enthusiast,  I wanted to channel the cravings and weight gain into something more adventurous and suffice it to say, beneficial. 

I want to take short course in main entree, desserts and baking. (On top of teach at my alma mater. This were the justifications that I used when I told my parents about wanting to leave my current job. I won't be the full career woman/entrepreneur/teacher/government worker that I intend to be if I stay.)

When I do take up these short courses, I want to open up a small store that specializes in comfort food, like a coffee shop or a tea shop with snacks and desserts. As cliche as it may sound (and saturated in the market) I have to argue that there is a shortage of these places in the south especially near residential areas. A lot of commercial food establishments are available, why not homey coffee shops? In order to go to coffee shops you have to be in the mall areas or the business districts that sometimes, it defeats the purpose of wanting to be in an ambient surrounding so you can use the peace and quiet to be productive with work, or catch up with good friends. 

I know it's a long way to go and it's a stellar-ly ambitious dream. By the time I might have the resources to go through with this, all residential areas might have staple little coffee shops and my dream will be history. But it's worth a shot. After all, my love for food will always be there and I will never ever give it up as one of my passions. 

In the meantime, I could use the practice to explore and to hone my skills, develop the tastebuds and think like food lovers with adventurous palates. I want to start the ritual of cooking meals at home on weekends and trying out new places on weekdays. It will be pretty costly for my weekday routine and it will be definitely a hit or miss but the weekend habit will be a breeze. My mom hates cooking on weekends that's why we eat out. It's her only time to rest so it will be my pleasure to be of service to the family on Saturdays and Sundays. 

I've tried to start the food blog on several attempts but to no avail. I would get carried away experimenting with the recipes that I forget to document everything that I did. Plus, my kitchen and dining area have really bad lighting so I can't count on them for scrumptiously appealing photographs of my hard work. 

First order for my food blog: find a list of blogs to emulate. From there, it will be easy breezy. Next will be shows to get inspiration from, cookbooks as well as dining areas. These will all contribute to what will be the next food blog for a foodie wannabe like me. 

Next to my dream of wanting to be in the food business, I also wanted to have my own cooking show in TLC, Lifestyle or AFC. Since I'm sure that this is never (or too far off) to happen, this career in food blogging will be the next big thing. It's the most convenient way to document gastronomic experiences while being able to share it with other people. 

My love for food, it will never ever die.