Avoiding it like the plague. - in the spirit of Hearts' Day

Falling in Love 101

Before

During

After

It's exactly an hour before doomsday. Unlike most people, I am dreading tomorrow for the first time in almost 18 years of living.

Two years ago and the years preceded it, I couldn't care less. It didn't matter to me if I celebrated Valentine's Day and treated it as a significant day of the month. I didn't mind receiving little surprises during the day and just going on with my usual routine. I spent it with friends and sniffed the aroma of love that was in the air.

A year ago, I was Ms. Cupid. I was lovestruck even though I was stuck with a lot of stuff to do. My work was arranged according to its degree of importance and at that time, he was my priority. It didn't hurt me one bit nor made me neglect any of the things that I was obliged to do because after all, he was supportive with my responsibilities all the way. I decided to make Valentine's a special day for the both of us.

Unfortunately, something just had to happen. I vaguely remember the exact thing which occurred but I do know that it ended the complete opposite of how it started. I was blooooooming with so much love after that. So much for reminiscing.

Looking back after the year that was, I was hoping that the celebrations will be prolonged, not for the sake of maintaining them out of conformity but because every other occasion was a way to celebrate our love. But it had to end so soon. Now this year, even though I tell myself that I'm just back to treating this day insignificantly, I know it makes all the difference. It's the beginning of celebrating all other special days within the year all by myself. Alone. Alone. Alone.

Anyway. The Core had the usual share of emo conversations today as a pre-Valentine bash. Yeah. Now there's this thing called the SAWI founded by... I'm not really sure who but it means Samahan ng mga Atenistang Walang Iniibig. Oh yeah. Poor single souls. Later on, it was added with an N (for Nangyayari) and a U (for Umiibig) so it became SAWINU. Figure it out.

We agreed to wear black tomorrow as a, I don't know, as a sign of mourning I guess? And as a perfect excuse, we're gonna flock together after Math class to have our group study-date for Calc at Seattle's Best.

I'm really tired right now and it's really late. But I still have to stay up because of the stuff that I have to do. My dad just had to drag me along with him to Market2! because we bought his Valentine's gifts for my mom: a bouquet of roses, food and stuff. Then, we went to Lola's house for a while.

Work mode on now. Oh yeah.

I hate to single myself out but I have no reason to be distracted tomorrow.

Screw tomorrow. Oh wait. Before I forget, I received this in my email and it just remained in my mind. Food for thought.

Things to ponder on:

1. Never complain about what you permit.

2. When you heart decides a destination your mind will design a map to reach it.

3. The proof of desire is pursuit.

4. The secret of your future is your daily routine.

5. The problem that infuriates you the most is the one God has assigned you to solve.

6. The size of your enemy determines the size of your reward.
7. Any movement toward order will expose what does not belong in your life.
8. What you can tolerate you cannot change.
9. Your rewards in life are determined by the kinds of problems you are willing to solve for others.
10. Your respect for time is a prediction of your financial future.
11. When you want something you have never had you will have to do something you have never done.

Hemin bread time.

Bitterness ergo remorse.

A spark of hope.:)

If the above two were profoundly intertwined, then I would perpetually be harping on the sole feeling that I have kept for the past few... err... months.

It is depressing that it's only now that I choose to stand up for everything and resist the evil that's been wanting to ruin my life all along. The evil, which came in a pleasant disguise, in the person of a dark-complexioned chinito along with his little devious friends, is now at the mercy of my powers. Ugggh. The thought of it sickens me. Eeewww. Gross.

So I know it's really sad that everything we had and all the time we spent would end up like this; as if nothing happened and we're supposed to avoid each other and stuff. But the thing is, it wasn't my choice in the first place. I never wanted any of this shit. I just settled for what was given in front of me. I never wanted it to end, ever. Until of course now because I can't take it any longer.

I want to say that despite everything I'm going through and the pile of productive work that I have to balance with this, I am so thankful because I am blessed with wonderful friends and family. They sure made me feel better after all the crying and ego tripping. Really now. I love you guys.

So here's another thing that I won't fail to mention in this post and that is the grande celebration that everybody's waiting for: Valentine's Day. It's down to the last two-day count and I bet people are now rummaging their pockets to find money for their ridiculous gifts for their partners. This, I have to say, is an occasion that's not for everyone yet I don't have to feel sorry for myself for being single. I honestly think that it's better than being treated like crap when you're with someone. And that someone can just give you a temporary high, a kind of satisfaction that will leave you empty in the process and will make you suffer like hell.

Let's put it this way. I'd rather that everything that we've been through was more of this unstable rollercoaster kind of relationship than the typical boring kilig and romantic relationship. Had I known that all would be just forgotten and deliberately direspected, then I would've chosen to remain free of all of them. You don't engage yourself in commitments out of fun and out of fear of being alone, but because you want to find yourself in that someone and you want to grow as a person within that relationship.

Guilt and bitterness come in when it becomes too late for you to realize that you have made a complete fool of yourself for letting your selfishness devour and consume every inch of you.

Maybe this time, you have to more sensitive of other people's feelings. Grow up.

As for me, I'm finally free of it all.:)

Love sick.

I have no idea what happened to this blog's side bar by the way.

I'm sort of disappointed with how my weekend turned out. Hmmm.

For one, I was out all day yesterday because of the schedule that I had to follow. I woke up so freakin' early in the morning after sleeping really late last Friday night (because of my friendscapade). We had to go to Medical City because of my brother's check up and thanks to my dad's brilliant idea, we had to be dragged along there so they can drop me off to Ateneo for my stuff to do.

After the short doctor's appointment, we grabbed lunch and headed to school. I met up with Gin, stayed at the smocket and did some last minute reviewing for our orals. Then ma'am sort of saw us so we had no choice but to go in the consulation room already. I got an easy poem and thank God after all the beating around the bush, I was able to pin down the answer. I got a perfect score yaaay. :D

After that, we hit the lib so I was able to borrow some books for my Fil (which I haven't done until now) and then headed to 711 to buy some stuff. Because Gin and I loved Mau, we forced ourselves to shop for unnecessary things just so we can raise an amount of more than 65 pesos for Mau's slam cards. Imagine that. Hahaha:p

Then we went back to watch the play. Overall, it was fine. Not really great but I never eliminated my concession in the first place. I was expecting that it would be boring, most especially because our class had to read the srcipt before watching it unlike all the other classes.

Hmmm. Then the evening was... Full of drowning in sorrow. Nevertheless, things took a turn now. Only now.

I just gave my room a new look today and I was ms. couch potato once again. Although, I am staying up to finish my academic work, I need to make up for the time lost.

So what I can say is, I'm just here waiting for you to need me. Not in a hopeless romantic-martyr-ish sort of way. I'm being a friend. I feel bad for what happened but I can't say I didn't tell you so. Just make sure you'll learn from it okay?

Cheerios.

Polar bears and q-tips. - ultimately pissed.

I write.

Mental note: Because of the oh-so-trivial discussions yesterday, The Core has managed to make sense out of the senseless and even attempted to widen the scope of the emo world that we live in. Thanks to Mico, polar bears are now labeled as the most emo of all the species in kingdom animalia because they are 'fluffy yet deadly.' Thanks to Nik, we had a super duper nonsense debate on whether we should call cotton buds as q-tips or the other way around. Yes, life gets a bit more perky when you hang out with people like my friends. Hahaha:)

So anyway. After a regular dose of my training this week, can I just say that I am really pissed off because of the on the spot suspension of our ADS training? Or I don't know! Had I known that there would be no non-varsity training, I would've gone home and started doing other stuff than staying here and wasting time. I hate it really. Aaaarrrgh. The thing is, it wouldn't really matter if I won't be doing a lot of stuff tomorrow. But no. I still have to come here to have my orals in Lit and then watch The Glass Menagerie. It would pretty much consume the rest of my afternoon. I still have to do my outline in Fil, do some research and study for my Math long test a day after Valentine's Day. What the hell is wrong with my life? Aaaahhh.

On the brighter side, all of the things that I have to do reinforces the fact that I can now feel my purpose for existence. I always keep on saying that I'm so worthless and I'm so unappreciated. Well, nothing beats that than being a bum all my life, hitting on other people and being a professional leecher. Uggh. But I still feel awful.:(

Okay. I have a lot of things in mind that I wanna put here but I guess there isn't really any time for that. Sheesh. I wanna go to Cantina and drink tuloy. Taeee.


Will continue this when I get home.

Such a hotshot.

Wondering why I returned to my ancient lay-out (the one which I resorted to when I still had no idea about html shmuck)?

Wala lang. Kasi it's so Barbie pink and I love it. I'm going to use this until I have finished putting the final touches for my new and improved lay-out.

Anyway, I've been so randomly happy for the past few days that even I get surprised at the notion of happiness for the former damsel in distress. Former? Did I just type the word former? Oh yeah. I guess that just suggests that I am moving on. I really am.

See, the problem with me is that I'm such a psychobabble. I talk a hell lot; mostly about nonsense and ... [EDIT] --> sorry. I had to take phone call immediately so I ended this right away. The topic pretty much concerns the incident so here it goes.

As I remember myself saying in this entry, I am such a psychobabble. My mind seemed to have stepped out of its boundaries and has lost control over my mouth and heart that even if I don't feel and think some certain things, I talk about them a lot like mind-raging issues and I seriously end up regretting the things I say. In short, I don't think anymore. I guess it has been stamped in my mind that every glitch in my life is a product of over thinking and over analyzing things and that doing them just seem pointless at this time. It's like my ability to think has been weakened when my heart was shattered. It justifies that they go hand in hand.

To be brutally honest, I think things are even more complicated now. Things were really better left unsaid. Now that I have come to know the hidden facts, they somehow gave me this 'hope' and something to look forward to if I just continue the actions that I'm doing at present. However, I think that if I choose to go that way, I won't be able to move forward. It's all just a vicious cycle. I feel sorry for myself at that then.

What I have to keep in mind now is that I have to carefully make a decision; one which I will have to stick with until the end. A decision that will determine my direction once I dispose myself to take it. I have to put every single detail into scrutiny and every little thing into consideration.

I am with God in this one.

Vindictive pleasure.

I don't know why I suddenly had the urge to splurge in some bitchy attitude. I think it's the weariness inside me.

Where the wind decides to blow me.

Do you ever believe in the innate goodness of people?

That no matter how bad they seem to be and try to look like, eventually, that sense of enthusiasm and vigor for idiotic youth will soon die out and take its form in a mature sense? That time will come and they will gradually have a sense of the things that are important to them? I don't know. These questions linger in my mind for the longest time now. I doub that I'll ever come up with answers.

In the plethora of young people today, I bet that only a few are deemed to take life seriously. True, there are teensters who are so achieved and empowered that they can pass for this generation's role models. But even if, the majority still choose to delve into matters that are so unworthwhile and are so a waste of time. In short, they'd rather choose to have fucked up lives than having real and serious ones without putting into compromise their youthfulness and all the fun.

This thing has haunted me for a while now.

Yes. What a preamble. I guess what I really want to say is this: I can't wait until forever for him to come back to me. Whaaaat? Don't object. I don't care what other people think because it's only me who knows where I can truly be happy. That place is definitely not without him.

Funny thing is, I realized just some hours ago that I want to stop taking a hike now. I just want to lay back and rest; wait for him to ever want to take the hike with me. For now, it's looking forward to my life back. I was looking at the situation clearer than before when I came home this evening. Then I thought about it, became a bit messed up again. Okay. Whatever. I think I'll just stick with the earlier scenario.

At some point, I'm going to get tired and just stop whatever it is that I'm doing. I feel that that certain point is now.

Sorry.