Pretending that love is not for me.

But what else can I do if he don't love me?

Haven't you ever wondered why almost everything that's written here just pertains to one sole thing? Don't you ever get tired of reading posts which are mournfully about the crappiest life ever? I wish to stop but I would heavily contradict reality if I were to do that.

I am by default the unluckiest girl when it comes to handling these situations. Although I am proud to say that we are both taking things step by step and that we are not in a rush - I'm glad to see some improvement.

I love him. He loves me. All we need is time. - school work at that first.

State of confusion = state of calamity.

Can I just say that I hate this feeling? Everytime you feel like everything's just falling in its right place something just holds you back and keeps you away from feeling perpetual happiness. More often than not, the situation is out of your control and you just have to hang on for dear life to be able to conquer it and hopefully let it pass.

It's always partially my fault when it comes to these things. I choose to submit myself to the cicumstance even if I am fully aware of the complications that it entails. I know that once I allow that thing to happen, everything just goes back in time and forces itself to go back to how it was, even if it's impossible to do so.

I give myself the credit that I was already doing good at the first part. After the sweet talk, the fireworks and the short time together, I was down to my knees once again. It's such a bad thing. I gave it another night and a day to get myself to decide that none of this matters anymore. It's just a temporary high, I just missed doing it and showing my caged feelings. I don't have to feel this way right? It's been long over with. We're just making the same mistake again. Waaaah!!!:'(

I don't have to be attached to the past. I have to be strong to overcome this. Everything's gonna go wrong if I give in to this.

- I am so speaking in vague terms.

Anyway. Lanna's 18th birthday at Rockwell Club was a total blast. Pictures at my multiply soon. We had so much fun mainly because the whole barkada was almost there. I love it:)

So much for storytelling. I have to work now. Later:)

[EDIT] I can never feel too much. I can never be that girl.

I don't know what's happening to me. I feel so moody, stressed and suddenly unhappy. This is perhaps one of the most uncanny moments in my life. It's one of these times that my mood just fluctuates between the extremes that I end up having a horribly painful headache.

I sat around all day and I swear. Sitting around this much not talking to anyone and just doing things alone sucks. It sucks big time and can even suck one's sanity out. Woooooaaaah. It's a pretty lame Sunday evening. It's such a temptation to slack off but I know that once I give in, I would be feeling so much worse tomorrow. Much worse than I should feel.=(

Why must I feel this way? Why can't I ever run away from it? Why must I struggke so hard in order to be happy?

Why can't I make the right choice?

[EDIT] Still can't pull myself together.

An open letter to you.

I don't exactly know what to say and whatever it is, how to say it. I've lost words within the duration that I have allowed myself to be consumed with the pain that was inflicted. I allowed it-the most part that I went wrong.

But the thing is, that's the power that love can force and thrust upon a person's well-being. No matter how hard I seemed to try to resist everything that was happening, the more that it succeeded on its way through. Again, a mistake which I allowed.

Or was it? Is there anyone to blame after all that's happened? Is it really anyone's fault? Or were we just victims of a circumstance that we couldn't possibly devoid of? Honey I thought that by not talking to you, everything would go perfectly well. I was right. Everything seemed perfectly and genuinely well. The only thing that contested it was the last-minute chance of you having to go back to me.

And it happened. I wasn't expecting anything like it. I was rid of you for some time and I was really happy. But being with you, back in your arms and just forgetting everything else that's happened made all the difference. I was cold at the beginning maybe because I already forgot how it was to love and to be loved. However, your every kiss and embrace reminded me and brought back that feeling once more. Now my heart aches at the prospect that even if we take this chance, things will never be the same anymore.

My heart is weak. I look outside thinking that you are only a short distance away. The smell of the wind is a signal that summer is about to take place. We are once again entrapped in the moment of deep love and longing. I want to be with you so badly, so bad that it hurts. I want to forget everything; the hurt and the pain of not being with you. But why is having you now suddenly the end of my world? Why is it an immediate destruction of everything that I'm trying to live for for the past months?='( I sitll love you all the while.

In as much as I would like to put the past behind and take this second chance to be able to start anew, the scars of the past will continue to find a way to haunt me. If we are willing to take this, we have to be stronger.

For now, it's us against the world and we have everything to prove.='( Stay with me.

Rising from the ashes.

If there's one significant thing that's happened today, it would be the moment that took place an hour ago. God really has a peculiar way of putting things together. - next entry:p

Today is Ash Wednesday and is the start of the Lenten Season. For years, I have never failed to fulfill my obligations as a devout Catholic and follower of God. Although there have been changes and a lot of things are putting my faith to the test, I am quite proud that I never let those forces make my faith falter. I feel that my relationship with God is not as close as before; distant in fact, so I am making amends for my shortcomings. I mean, after leaving the Youth Parish Council (which was so not my decision) the lack of responsiveness to God's usual call made me personally incomplete everyday.=(

So Laine, Ria and I were only among the select few who attended mass at Gesu this morning and had our foreheads imposed with ash. I most especially loved the homily (aside from my usual enchantment with the Music Ministry - the fatabulous singing voice of the choir) and I have to admit that I was struck with most of the words that Fr. David said.

"To love, to hold on and to let go."
- To love what is given, to hold on to it while it is with us and to finally learn to let go of it when the time comes that God takes it away. We have to bear in mind that things in this world are given to us for a specific time. That in its sense, should teach us never to take those things for granted and that when it is time to let go, we have to wholeheartedly do so.

"Our life is not about the losses that we have incurred but rather the dispositions that we made to cope with those losses."
- We are restricted to only one choice upon losing something or someone and that is to let go. It is an inevitable part of living and the way to deal with it is not acting as if we were the victim but rather how we chose to handle the situation even if it meant the deepest infliction of pain.

After all, when the only thing that matters is love, we have to strive to be happy even without the things that we want to have. It's about giving way to God's plan, putting our selfish desires last in our list of things to do.

Okay. Still have an ES LT tomorrow. Wrap this up muna.

Cheerios:)

Hey ho! Let's go!

I'm in a perky mood today. I didn't really wake up on the right side of the bed. In fact, I slept for a short while during the long break after copying notes for ES.

Actually, we were supposed to go and watch a movie - Music and Lyrics with The Core. Thanks to Laine for fending off the dark side of the force, we decided to stay here and finish school stuff instead.

A lot of people are asking me if the Sanggu elections results are out. Well, I have no idea. Let's just hope for the best I guess. Later. I still have to study and work on my papers. I'm gonna go home freakin' late tonight because of our Fil play.

[EDIT] It's 11:30 and I'm here talking to my good friend John about some serious stuff. Ooohhh weeee. It's late but I still have to stay up because of stupid ES long test and some other school shit. Oh yeah. The woes of a kolehiyala.

Before the Fil play, we got stuck at Matteo to study and be nerds until 5:30. I fortunately finished my Lit paper so I'm down to two: my Fil paper and the InTACT reflection thing. Of course, the ES LT which I have to study for.

While at our study-fest, Laine and I had an encounter with my ooooh so hoooooot dreamboy - Chris Tiu: the daily supplement. I can never get used to seeing him every single day at SOM Mall. He always always completes my every school day. Well, the thing is, Laine had to talk to him for this Athletics Council event that she was heading. While they were talking, I was just there standing beside Laine, staring at his face. Yuck Daryll. Starstruck?

No. I was just stunned. I couldn't hold my panties.:D We postponed our shrieks up until we reached the bathroom in expression of our undying love for that guy. I mean, c'mon. He's such a sweetheart and any girl would be so freakin' lucky to have him.

After that, we had dinner at The Old Spaghetti House, had our share of pasta and kwentos with the rest of the Core (the boys came from the movie), JV and Ryan. We went back to Ateneo to watch the play.

I couldn't help but falling asleep on the first part, not because it was boring but sadly, I was really tired at that time. Good thing I was still able to gather enough strength to watch the remaining part of it. It was really good. Yeah.

Oh well. Gotta work on the all-nighter now.

Cheerios:p

Summer heat wave.

I can't wait for summer.

Omg. It's so freakin' hot today. It's the start of the summer heat wave. It was wrong to wear a shirt, jeans and chucks today. Aaaaah! I'm dying!

I was supposed to finish my lit paper here in Matteo because I had one hour to spare an hour ago. But because there aren't a lot of functional units here and I still had to wait for the WiFi, I'm starting just now and I don't have plenty of time left. I guess I'll just have to fix whatever problems there are in this blog and then leave off for training. Whoopeee! I missed training. I'm going to have a blast later.:)

It's 10 minutes before 4 and I have to walk under the heat of the sun all the way to the covered courts. I'm sooo dead.

Oh well. I just know that this week is a lot more hectic than the past even though I consider it such a hassle. I guess I have to double my efforts and there's no room for slacking off now.

Later:)

Kissed by the wind.

I am back to my nocturnal lifestyle. I stayed up until 2 in the morning trying to get some things done and I was 70% successful. If only I had the strength to combat my urges to sleep I might have crossed that particular thing to do out.

I think I'm getting fat. I mean c'mon now. I jogged around school last Friday morning and my stamina was soooo weak. The heat of the sun or my lack of training and exercise can be either held responsible for my sudden migraine attack but it can only mean one thing: I'm not fit anymore and I'm too stressed. I can never seem to find time to do other things which aren't related to deadlines and shit. Aaaaaack! I'm so tired of this.

I may have had an overdosage of sleep for the past weekend but I can't deny the fact that I still am struggling to win my emotional and mental stability back. I'm still morbid and manically depressed. I don't know what's happening to me. It's not the caffeine and it's not the lack of it. Just locking myself up here in my room and sitting in front of the laptop drifting away seems to worsen my condition.

I want to get a glass of juice to at least heighten my spirit with the additional sugar intake but I think I have to cut down on the fat and sugar. Grrr. I don't know. A glass of water at the very least will help me feel better.

I looked outside the window this afternoon as I finished the 9th episode of Season 4 of OTH and I was hoping to see him. Or just you know, imagined his figure walking up to our gate and being friendly with me, as if nothing's happened. Yes. I still am hoping. Shit.

It's still early and I have a paper to do. Wish me the best of luck. I'm sort of looking forward to an unusual week because of the many things to do inside and outside of school.

Cheerios.

Rendezvous with no one.

It's 12:35 a.m. and I'm here in my room typing my life away. I have a pile of books waiting to be read and reviewed, a stack of paperwork to be organized and a list of things to be done. My mug (given by him) is oozing with steaming hot coffee aroma and a bag of fat free and sodium free strawberry marhsmallows is beside my laptop.

The week was okay. Maybe if I went to the AIESEC Maffia Party tonight then I wouldn't be locked up in this hollow space left to contemplate on my misery. Too bad I'm not in a bar with a lot of amenities right now: sizzling hot guys, free alcohol and cigarettes. Imagine the picture. It's every lonely girl's dream of a narrow escape from the world of solitary loneliness.

Valentine's Day wasn't as bad as I thought would happen. My friends and I agreed to wear black as a sign of non-conformity with everybody else's mushy red heaven. Couples were all over the place, as well as people holding bouquets of flowers, cakes and fancy gifts. I greeted each one of them with a disapproving frown on my face.

We had the long-awaited and well-prepared for Mathapalooza for Calc class. (I really love Sir Joey's class. It's the only thing which keeps me going in Math 19) It was really fun.

After that, we went to Seattle's Best to have our dateless group study-date. - yes it's weird to actually make a name for the thing that we did by putting those three words together. But it's true! It was a group assembled together to study in a food establishment (specifically in a coffee place) with no dates. Just with friends. I love my fab girlfriends.:)

When I got home, our dinner was pasta. It's as if Valentine's was a special occasion. I pretended that it was getting all romantic and stuff so I just had to bear the remaining hours of that day with the right amount of reviewing and sleeping. The next day was hell.

Thursday was the dreaded LT in Math. I was quite confident with the lesson because I found it a bit easier than the previous ones. But something happened with The Core because of the putting to compromise classes issue and then that...

Sabaw pa rin ako during and after the test. I have no idea what I got because I forgot to get it last Friday. Friday was okay. Kinda ordinary. Nothing new. The only perk was that we went to Cantina to have a brief reflection on our emo lives with a bottle of beer in hand and a big serving of quesadillas and nachos each to satisfy ourselves. Whopee.

Then today. My friends and I scouted for gifts for our darling Lanna. It's one week before her party and everyone's making the last minute preparations for it. I spent the whole day with one of my bestestfriends. Gawd I really missed her. We just shopped, walked and ate the afternoon away. Even if I got a major headache during the trip back home and I got bankrupt for spending a lot on unnecessary stuff, it was really worth it and fun to have spent time with her again. I love you Bhi.:)

So when I came back here, I had a minor party discussion with my parents and some appointments for next week's events: my party for Lanna's debut and my brother's Senior prom.

We watched the last episode of OTH's Season 3 at Bhi's house and practiced a little for our song number.

Back in here. I feel a little of the pain gone as I was typing the recollection of what happened this week. But I really can't help feeling astonished at myself for crying because of what I saw in Bhi's phone. Okay. I know I'm supposed to spare her a little privacy with her messages but I looked around and read some of their conversations. (Bhi and Bro) While I was having a run through of the messages, I suddenly went back in time. I remember when I was hearing and saying most of the words because of our fights and misunderstandings - the verbal retaliation and the talk shits, our sweet nothings where we would always assure each other that we'd fight for our love no matter what, our random talks about the most trivial stuff and the things that happened to us while we were apart. And at that moment, tears came flowing.

I know that I have convinced almost everybody that I am happy now. Don't get me wrong, I really am. This is one out of the 20% chance when I am bound to have breakdowns because of this. Shit. I miss him. Once in a while I feel it. Unlike before, it kept haunting me like crazy.

This proves that I have improved throughout the months. It's been a short while after all, but I guess I have somehow learned how to deal with it. I'm glad I am working my way towards attaining self peace.

And one more thing. I found out that he viewed my friendster profile. Before I illogically figure out what it means, I stopped myself from wanting to know why he did it. Maybe he has the same reasons as mine and I can't condemn him for that. I still miss him. I still love him. But the thought of our situation dispells any possible of wanting to go back together with him. That's just too bad.

Okay. I better keep working for my stuff to do.

Kung Hei Huat Choi.:)