Poignancy is a valid reason to have a poetic license.

I am crushed by this flower.

Have you ever had this feeling that slowly started to consume every little inch of you?

Imagine having to go through a vast sea of people; not knowing who they are or how they think, where they come from. You realize that you're alone - a mere entity, an unattached being.

I had that feeling today. I walked past each one of those faces and I tried to remember the last time when I was looking forward to walk with someone, or if I actually was with someone through that little adventure.

My mind was buzzing with thoughts, my chest was brimming with fear and anticipation, moreover determination in pulling myself together most especially in this situation. I must not be deterred. I must keep the faith.

People do make the most absurd mistakes. I have come to realize that they can commit mistakes even with their feelings toward other people. Or, at some point, it just dawns them that they never seem to find what they're looking for - insatiable desires that can never pass for contentment, a lingering craving for the unattainable.

I am guilty as charged. I never saw it coming, I didn't take a second to think about what was going to hit me. I didn't make any attempts to handle it - until now. See, while I was walking home this afternoon I realized a lot of things. The Scientist was playing in my ears, bringing back this rather familiar feeling. My eyes glared at the familiar face reflected in the glass window of the MRT and I was trying to fight back the tears.

Nobody said it was easy.

I never ever know what I want. I guess you can't solely blame me for being this emotionally unstable right? I've been a wandering maniac - a freakish hormonal workaholic manhating psychobabble who's just after the fun in Summer.

Wallowing. I hear my voice get repressed inside me. I tell myself that I don't have to shove all my emotions into something that I am not ready to commit with. Clearly, I am so not prepared to do this all over again. Or perhaps, something may be wrong with the way I handled it? Did I take the plunge thereon? Is it close to being a possibility that I may have chosen the wrong person? I don't know. I remain clueless about this matter.

I apologize. For being who I am. Fragmented, inconsistent, fragile and too fickle-minded - these are the weapons used to hammer your heart into a million pieces. I am truly sorry. ;(

Perhaps, I just want to be left alone; to savor the goodness of life and to live, love and laugh until every inch of me burns out. I just want to be free, free of all the pain, insecurities and the hurt that a non-existent semi-pseudo relationship is giving me. I do not want to be restricted. True, it is an overwhelming feeling to have someone by your side, to protect you and you heart, to love you selflessly. But, this is all there is to me now. I have nothing to give. Here are these words which cannot even begin to explain how I truly feel. They are gibberish, yet I choose to find solace in them.

Call me selfish because of this. However, I cannot bring myself to live in a memory where I was coerced to feel something for a person when in reality, it is the contrary. I cannot stand the thought of having to hurt other people just because I cannot give them the treatment that is due to them. I don't have what you want and neither do you in my case.

I guess this is where it all ends for now. I hope that I will find a way to get us through this.

I can never be a computer junkie.

Okay. Let's face it. I can only juggle about 4 activities maximum everyday. Other than that, I have every means to explode and burst my supposedly tranquil bubble of a happy life.

Good thing Sis cancelled plans for tomorrow. Weee. I now have the license to watch Spiderman. And can I just say that I have been watching movies nonstop this weekend? I was a major couch potato last night (Saturday night) because I went home after our winning game by default against the strongest team in our bracket. I grabbed my book and this DVD collection of Raffy and I was head on a couch potato. It felt kinda good that I was able to spend quality time with myself and finally making a successful attempt to fullblast relaxation. For me, it's always been work and things to mind. I'm not complaining. I guess the words couch potato-ing and bumming around aren't exactly my ideas for relaxation unlike for most people.

In line with that, I guess everything is just going as it should be. There are minor glitches but nonetheless, I'm still constantly thriving to keep everything on track regardless of the errors.

Yes. Fulfillment at its finest, I should say.

Contemplating.

Segway - I really find this sad and disturbing.

Tonight I Can Write - Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Riding with the waves.

I can't believe that I have only gone through two weeks of summer class and a month has passed already. It's the last day of April and May is just a couple of hours away. This means a lot of things.

♥ More summer lovin'.
♥ Parties galore - Sis' debut, Nik's, Mico's and Kuya Euric's pre-planned birthday parties, my girl friends' birthday celebrations, parties, parties and more parties.
♥ Last stretch to hit those hotspots - beaaaccchhh!!!
♥ Games, games, training, games, training, games. - Exercise.
♥ ITM classes. - eeew.
♥ Fun, fun, fun!:)

Our current team standing is 1 - 2. Hahaha.:) We managed to win the game yesterday. And can I say we, as in, the original team? Oh yeah. Even if you say that the game was a pretty close fight and the opposing team wasn't really that monstrous compared to the last two, I say we still put up a good play and we stuck to our main goals - to have fun and kick ass.

Hmmm. What else? Just more trivial stuff I guess. I'm pretty much sticking to keeping things stress-free and spontaneous so as not to bombard me with all the stuff which aren't supposed to haunt me until school year.

Oh yeah. My important documents were deleted in our PC - again. I was aware that crying and having a screaming match with my brother will somehow ease the pain of that loss but to no avail. The tears and tantrums can never bring those files back. Good thing I was able to save the pictures. I will surely go uber berserk if I lost them too. =(

Anyway. I have to work my charms to convince my dad to buy the Macbook. Not a big fan of apple though, except for the iPod. Hahahaha:)

Okay. Study mode on. I know it really sucks that I have to dread this whenever the end of the weekend comes. I'm the only one who has to go to school to study about these inanimate objects called computers, which, supposedly, are the keys to making my life easier, but then again losing the files stored in them only contributes to stress that's going to keep me from enjoying my summer. Oh well. Whatever=p

I love it.♥

Regrets? I think not.:)

If I have thought better, would I be really regretting a lot of things right now?

Like, taking only one summer class and allotting a lot of time to my other activities perhaps? Or engaging myself in a pseudo-relationship with a person who clearly still has issues with the past?

I think not.

Because if you really consider its context, I do think about the things that I am deemed to plunge in - I bear in mind the consequences and the things put at great risks, the possible regrets even. And maybe, this is just one of those moments when I am caught up with the what-ifs and what could have beens. But, oh well. I'm doing pretty well and I don't see anything wrong with that.

Here I go again with this 'penchant for over analyzing things'. Gaaaah.

I'm going to continue this again soon.

A Changed workaholic.

In relation to my blog entry in multiply about having to do so many things within a short span of time, I have come to a realization in the past few weeks or so.

Sometimes, you just gotta learn when to say no. And another thing -

summer classes + hectic sports sched + summer job + other responsibilities = imbalanced social life.

Aaaack! It's driving me nuts - the way I have to attend to certain matters and carefully arranging things so that I won't put the important stuff to compromise. Just like sleep above everything else.

Since the start of summer classes, my week was pretty much filled with a lot of misadventures.

Monday - an afternoon at Cort's pad, Ice, Enzo and Marg's visit to Ateneo, Je's Peter Pan play and an evening drinking session at Cantina - complete with me getting drunk and flooding the place with tears and my moping moves. Oh yeah.

Tuesday - an afternoon at Cort's pad once again and another roadtrip to Parañaque courtesy of Nik's BMW. :) - killer training btw.

Wednesday - Driving range after class, Terriyaki Boy with Io, Cello's and fishballs with sis.:)

Thursday - Driving range again, Metrowalk (DVD shopping) and Gateway with Io, Riafae, Laine and Nik. Taco Bell and a little shopping in Makati - and can I say a perfect way to end an almost exhausting week? - suicide training.

Friday - I went home right after class. I needed the sleep. Haha:)

I'm out of the house 80% of the time so don't ask where I am after 5 or 6 in the evening. I could be out ith my friends, hanging out, eating or minding stuff for the YOC and the team and trainings on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7 to 10 pm. Hectic? Not.

I still have to pass my resume for this summer job at this lending company. I need the money! Really!!!

To add stuff in my yes, you-are-so-productive-lately list:

*I have finished my Message in a Bottle. - I cried for almost an hour and nearly finished my recently purchased pack of tissue.
*Start of games is tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I have to do pa other sutff like update my planner, shop for mom, organize my email and other accounts, upload pics and aaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!

And, debut parites all over the place! I'm hosting Rox's informal and my sis' jazz-up pants event soon!

Outings? Yeah. I can still do that;p

See yah! I am so gonna rock again.

Summertime.

I'm enjoying my summer so far. Spontaneity just seems to keep everything exciting as most of the time, I go out of my way to be able to do stuff that I didn't really plan on doing.

As you may have noticed, I idly update all my online accounts now because I barely have the time and patience to deal with these things since I have a lot going on outside the cyberworld. It is easy to sit around in front of the internet during the school year because it is compulsory that I do so. But now, I just don't see the point. Unless of course, I really need to do important stuff on the net. Well anyway, here is an account of my vacation and my respective thoughts and realizations as I have gone through the first part of my summer vacation and coming of age.

My Roadtrip

First stop: Batangas

Right after my brother's graduation and a quick getaway to somewhere (my memory fails me here) Io and I went out on a date (yeah, if you could call it that) one really hot Tuesday. Okay. No need for the details. Ahahaha;p And then after that, I was busy with the sportsfest preps and all that jazz. Before I know it, I was already packing things for my summer escapade with my extended family to Batangas. :)

First night there was uber fun. My titas, my cousins and I took out this bottle of Martini, had our shot glasses ready and our spicy pulutan (peanuts and Oishi). We played this really weird game of Word Factory and our kumikitang kabuhayan, Lucky 9 - yes. Unleash the gambler in you. Hahaha;p

The next day, we had this mini-dvd marathon (actually, since the previous night) and had our things ready because we were going to hit the beach. Yes! Beach baby!;p When we came there, the girls took turns in helping out with the barbeque. And then, there was this starstruck moment with the Jaboom twins and their hot guys (the hot Fita commercial guy was also there. tsss!) because their cottage was right next to ours. After a very captivating sunset moment at the beach, we went to the pool to continue our swimming adventures. And then, after dinner, we went to the beach to do some night strolling and creepy kwentos from my titas about how the sea eats kids and people. And then, we finally called it a night after playing our last round of Lucky 9.

To be continued.