What it is to be nocturnal.

Ever know how it feels like to sleep all day and feel so buried in work during the ungodly hours of the morning? (Refer to time of post and you'll know what I mean.) Well here I am. Racking my brains and feeling the extreme pang of guilt because at the back of my mind, I know that there are lots of things that I should be doing right now, but for some reason, I choose to do other stuff instead.

It really feels weird to be functional at this time of the day (err at which case you can consider night. haha.;p) because for most people, this is when the hustle and bustle of everydays usually happen. In my defense, my immune system finally gave in and my worn out self has been suffering colds over the bottom half of the week. So understandably, I've been sleeping all day and just resting because I can't get myself to do something with a runny house and a throbbing head. Like yesterday, I was like super sleepy during the team dinner that I barely enjoyed it and was unable to accomplish my evil scheme of getting myself drunk before going home last night. I even fell asleep during our 7-hour stay at the SOM mall. Omfg. 7 hours wasted chatting and sitting away in that food abundant place. We actually ended up getting merienda from our ever so missed Great Wraps stall. Hahaha.;p

And you know what else is funny? Most of my sensible entries get concocted at this part of the day. I can't really explain why. I guess it's just this time when I get my creative juices flowing. (Wohooo. Is that why I managed to stay up studying the sucky 6-chapter coverage of our Econ quiz and edit my Comm paper at the same time?;p) But the downside of this is having to get really sleepy come the next day due to drained energy. That's just really sad. So the bottom line is: I have to get out of this silly routine. Aaaah!!! -.-

I have this journal which I managed to maintain over a few months back. It was supposedly addressed to this one person and I was supposed to give it to him on our wedding day. Talk about naivety. Hahahahaha;p I could just laugh at myself at the thought of it. I can't believe I was obsessively in love with a guy who used to treat me like trash. And cay I just say that we keep on having these weird once a month encounters? I'm really evil for not telling my bf about this. Not that I have something to hide or that I'm guilty of doing stuff behind his back. It's just not that important to have a slot in my storytelling time. Hahaha;p

Anyway, in that pretty little journal was every detailed account of my special days with him. My thoughts about certain events, my feelings when we fight or break up and mostly rants and raves about our time apart and together. We also had this separate scrap book which we would fill up alternatively about the special occasions that we'd be a part of. Hahaha;p Grabe. We used to be sooo in love. Now, dont' get me wrong. I'm sooooo not nostalgic right now. I'm just trying to build a connection with the days when I formerly had all the time to write, unlike now.

Perhaps because I'm at a loss for inspiration. Most of the things I wrote pertained to painful and melancholic events, how I hated life and how I was the drama queen because of shallow reasons. I can't really say I'm having less of my share of those right now. As a matter of fact, I'm having deeper, life-changing problems that keep messing up my already imbalanced life. But I'm kinda grateful that I am able to rise above some, if not all, of those side orders. It's just that, I am incapable of transforming some into words maybe because of time constraints (you know, my schedule can't be a bit less hammering) or some other reason which really hinders me to do so.

I wanna go back to the writer who I used to be. I wanna stop putting nonsensical entries in my blog. (But then again, I am the only one who gets to define nonsensical.) I want to and I am so going to do it. I used to have the passion and I want to rekindle the fire back. I'm tired of just bumming around (even if people think that my schedule is far too difficult to maintain) and I want to make a difference in everything that I do. I'm going to start now by getting some sleep. :)

News Flash.

I am so back to my 'Zombie me' saga. Yes, I am once again abducted into the sleep deprived world. Nothing but nerve-wrecking, mind-numbing and sanity-shaving sleep deprivation and over fatigue to complete the life that is called the Sophomore year in Ateneo.

Hell week in progress

After the long and useless break, I could just attest to the fact that routine has gone out of my way to provide me with my daily dose of stress. Nothing can ever get me rid of the usual whining, complaining and frustratingly scheduling of all of my activities just so they could fit in my abnormally proportional life of books, notebooks, ledgers, caffeine, all-nighters, dress code, tempting food, org events and school. Top it off with a mad barkada because of my inability to comply with the rigorous demands of the strategically designed relationship called friendship. Yes, some of my friends are making tampo because I can't slip in some time to even hang out with them. Talk about an inadequate social life. :( I just enumerated the things that I could probably loathe but have to get used to every single day that I have to live through for the remainder of the school year. But hey, self formation right? Hahaha. I know that after everything else, I will be able to do this and reap the sweetest fruits as my reward.

Diet rescinded

The pact that we made in Blue Cafe some two weeks ago has already been proclaimed as dissolved, rescinded, canceled, terminated. Meaning - spluuuurrrrrgggeee all you want baby.♥ But hey, that's not the point. We were really restricting ourselves too much already and the added pressure from school just made it worse. And who were we kidding anyway? Salad diet? That's a bit too much for girls like us who love to eat desserts, pasta, pizza and anything that we can eat when we binge out. (Think kanina: very berry muffin, banoffee, oatmeal cookie and cinnamon roll all in one sitting. Thank you Starbucks!☺) The key to everything now is moderation. We don't need a diet to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Salad once in a while is good and it doesn't hurt to keep things healthy at a low notch. We can't afford to be anorexic now - beating ourselves up mentally and physically is Ateneo's job anyway. Hahaha. Goodbye Diet Dojo!;p

Events parade

As an added perk to this hectic lifestyle, my planner couldn't get less empty every single day. Something new always comes up and has to be accomplished right away. I can do this you know.
I have to finish my paper in comm right now. I will continue this soon. ☺

And I say I'm going to rise above it all.

My ass is burning. I have officially sat in front of the computer without doing anything productive. I mean, I was trying to, because I want to clear off my schedule for tomorrow. I seriously wanna go out and shave the madness and depression. Gaaaah. I don't know why everything suddenly went from crystal clear to topsy-turvy blurry. It's like there's no reason left to be happy anymore. So sad even for the Carebears.:(

I'm pretty pissed because my guy's out for the night and he's not replying. Wow. First time. Hahaha. I was never the possessive girl - unless you count the previous number of instances where I was sitting like a duck at home torturing myself because I knew my bf was out there getting wasted, taking drugs or something. Gone was that life. But I really am sad so I need him. Where the hell are you?! :(

Okay enough of the ranting. I was right. This weekend is one of my worsts. Or maybe I thought too much about it that way that's why it kinda materialized. I don't know. It's like a heap of crap.

Yesterday? Think:
• 250 buck-cab ride home
• no movie
• no hun's futsal game
• killer Law midterm exam
• mad dad
• pissed off, crying, dinner-deprived and early bedtime me.

Hmmm. Think, think, think. What am I supposed to do? I need to take some sort of break for now and come back to finish my paper later. I can't rally start because I still don't have a link between the Confucian documentary and the Comm traditions.

Snap back to reality.

I thought that the 6-day break would be bad. - And hey, guess what? I thought right. :(

Here a couple things that I did over my pseudo-hibernation period:

♥ eat

♥ sleep

♥ couch potato

♥ eat

♥ sleep

♥ read

♥ phone

♥ internet

♥ clean my room (okay. can't take the whole credit for this since it's only halfway. teeehee)

♥ and gawd. I only went out during the last day.

So as you can see, I know that it's too much of a hangover for me to be even typing this late because I fell asleep on the couch due to the suddent change in routine. I was crappy tired because of my usual majors day delight. Acc Lt test papers were even returned today. It was a big joke for me. I don't even know how I managed to survive the whole day with that crappy ass condition. So first thing that I did was to ask my dad to let our accountant know that I will be asking for her help. Well, now and for the remainder of the sem would be the probable estimated length of time. Crappy crappy crappy.

Hmmm. So tutorial right away as soon as I got to Makati after school. The afternoon was sort of dull when we just hung out at Zen garden. But it was sort of fun because I missed my friends and my hun. ♥ I was too wary while walking in school the whole day because guess what?! I lost my freakin' ID. :( I felt so bad about it because never, in 1 and a half of the first two school years did I forget to wear my ID in school. And now, I lost it and I have to undergo a stupid procedure and even pay 500 bucks just to recover it. Aaaargh.

Ria was right. We were like complaining about the non-suspension of classes not so long ago and it backfired simultaneous blows which had really huge impacts. And yes, that means making people lazy and dull because the weather was too good to feast on. And at some point, we actually deserved the break. After all, all we ever do is study. Study. Study. In every sense of the word.

So anyway, I don't wanna bargain my sleep time for just returning emails and doing online stuff. I still have to read and catch up on stuff. Will be back to give better updates. Gaaaah. I sooo wish. ♥

Suicidal, suicidal when I said it's over.

Rain.

Ever said this phrase to yourself for like more than a couple of times?: Everything's falling apart.

Well, I sure did. And I am doing so now.

This is what sleep deprivation does to you. It squeezes your brain and exhausts your strength until you throw a fit and then you end up sleeping for a really long time. Oh no.

This day was far worse than I expected. After doing a lot fo work (grrr. what's new) over the past few days, this was like one of the most extreme. I stayed up until 3:30 in the morning doing a report, some research, other paper work and some side stuff all for school. I had to wake up at 4:30 so that I can rush everything and put the finishing touches for the puppet show and the script and the long line of work waiting to be printed. After jamming everything in my bag, the rain was starting to pour really hard and I thought: Great. I only had one hour of sleep. Just great.

Ugggh. And then of course I just had to attend class when I came to school. Even if it were odds and ends outside our classroom because of the torrential rains, we managed to pull of our report. I really dreaded going to my next class. As soon as I finished Chinese, people started proclaiming that classes were already suspended. That was crappy. A tad bit lucky if you think about it but at that time, there was no way that I will be staying in school unless I found a way to get home. Good thing I have Lainey as my sis. We met up at Makati after the longest commute of my life and the most tiring one at that. :(

We ate at Friday's, went around to buy her webcam and some other stuff. We went home and then I just plopped down my bed and fell asleep. Nice. But at least I got the rest that I deserved. Aaaah. So classes are suspended tomorrow due to the unpredictability of the wind and rain. I'm still caught up wondering if this is doing me a bad favor because it's mercilessly torturing our upcoming event on Friday and actually, everybody else's schedule. Just what I hate. But then again, I think it's time that I do things properly now.

Off to bed missy.☺

Guess who's back?

I will bring the definition of PMS into a whole new light. It's pre-saturated melancholic state. Thank you Mr. Webster. :)

Graaaaar. I really need to put my life back in one piece asap.

Stress is in nowadays.

Rant. Rant. Rant and rant some more.

My head is super throbbing with immense pain. Omg. I can't even begin to describe this one helluvah life that I'm having right now. And I'm talking about the hell that's not the 'unique' and 'one of a kind'. It's the type that tortures you and makes you rack your brains until you have nothing left but a mug of soup due to 'unconscionable' squeezing.

The bad news: I have orals for Chinese in a matter of minutes and because I cut last week for my Econ long test, I have no idea on what to do later. I can't just pull any stunt if Ma'am See happens to call my name. Yes. First dibs on orals has never ever happened to me. Later would just be perfect.

The past week was not so great. After divulging on the uncontrollable Gilmore Girls madness, snapping back to reality happened longer than a giff. But it was a semi-hell week for me considering that we had to go to classes last Friday even if there was this Presidential declaration that there would be no classes for everyone on that day. Aaaah. Crap.

Saturday was official study group date at Bo's with my friends. Imagine that. Saturday = studying for Accounting. Omg. Tonight at 6 -9 is when it all happens. Yipee. :(

I'm slowly undergoing this transition phase towards becoming a bratty bipolar kid who's misunderstood and always stressed. Last night was my first irrational level one breakdown for the month and of course, who better to lash out on but to the forever-sweet-and-understanding boyfriend? Hah.☺ That is love baby.♥

I can be happy if I choose to. But I feel that there's a lot of work involved for me to even reach that point. Things which really seem trivial matter to me now. And somehow, I am able figure out how these things make life harder - that is in the most insipid and skeptic way that I can. Face it: sometimes, these are just way beyond one's control. :(

Pointless, yes. Sometimes I begin to question why I even bother. But hey, that's why I tend to keep myself busy most of the time. So that I could escape this chaos. Arrrgh. I don't know.