This isn't who I really am.

It's time to get serious.

People rise together, when they believe in tomorrow. Change today for forever. 'Cause life keeps moving. - Samantha James, Rise

Speaking of this song, it's one of the fewest house hits that I like. As in really really like. I have it in my itunes, I have it in my phone and I can't stop listening to it whenever I have the chance to. But anyway, that's not the point of this entry. This is a short contemplation of my regression as a person. Here goes, ladies and gentlemen.

I was informed to have my Aisis online account activated before traffic starts and every student in Ateneo attempts to activate his account in vain. Well you know how online registrations work. At some point, the eliminated hassle of having to fall in lines and waiting for x hours becomes the lesser evil when you're dealing with internet traffic and overloading in the system. Duh. You wouldn't want to wait for a page to load for 20 minutes right?

Anyway. Not my point again. Okay Daryll. Nice style. Okay. So I was browsing my Aisis account and just for the heck of it leafed (parang magazine) through my sched and my freshman grades. Not bad. Although you have to admit, it was mediocrity at its best. Okay, you had to cut me some slack because last year was supposedly my period for adjusting to the college vibe. It was the start of another phase, a major foray. A couple of C's and C+'s were still acceptable. D's were still tolerable too. F's were (and will forever be) a no-no. However you put it, there was this excuse which allowed the 'faring on the average' to a certain extent.

My cumulative qpi was not bad for the average person. But I know I could have raised my expectations and standards a notch higher. I wasn't really disappointed though the thought of doing better was really my goal for the succeeding year.

Sophomore year - majors year, hell year. First sem - hell sem. Many a students survived the claws of this evil torture. However dear fellows, I am one among the people on the brink.

Thing is, I haven't really felt disappointed in my life as much as I do now. I haven't performed so poorly in my academics since I could remember. And to top it all off, I just had to do it this semester. I don't know why. Was it because of my attachment to sleep? To my bed? Or was I not good enough? Perhaps I wasn't as smart and as hard working that I thought I was. Did I run short of intellect? What? Am I tired? I can't be tired.

*Sigh* I see people acing tests and getting grades that are like so high and I see the same people complain about how their grades aren't high enough. Hello? Ano pa kaya yung standing ko ngayon? Gaaaah. I feel so bad. It's like things suddenly fell out of my control. I tried to seize the opportunities in any way that I could but to no avail.:(

I never used to worry about grades because I was getting the ones I deserved anyway. This decline in my improvement has just contributed to my lack of motivation to work. So I take it the other way and work my ass off because I refuse to let this struggle let me down. Because this is not me. Work and stress are like my kind of thing. Workaholic maniac was a title I pretty much earned for myself even when I was in grade school. I didn't have a problem in meeting people's expectations of me, because if there's anything that I did, I always tried to surpass them - and eventually succeeded in doing so. I was the responsible one. I was able to prove a lot of things about my principles and capabilities as a person.

Now, I feel dumb, mediocre, average, stupid, lazy, irresponsible. And I freaking don't know why. Maybe because it's the saturation of all the smart people in Ateneo. Or maybe I'm just not good enough to meet the demands of the university. Oh asa pa.

To cancel out this misery, I had a fairer share of fun this sem than I did last year. I guess my solitary studying in the library at that time paid off more. And I just had to do that because I didn't have my barkada then. But did I have too much fun? Like way too much fun that I forgot to fulfill my duties as a student?

Moving on. I know it really is too late to make up for this screwed semester. I don't really know what happened to me. I've been living such a good life - and yeah, not arguing that it really is better than last year's, yet I seem to be having more of these impertinent issues plaguing my well-being. My exhaustion has made me incapable of channeling my frustrations towards something productive. What's tough about it is that I let it get to me that's why I barely had the time to stop and think about how I have been doing with regard to my work.

My drive for leadership hasn't wavered. Thank God. I'm still proud to have launched a couple of successful projects and activities this past semester. But it would be really nice to feel good about the course card that I'm going to get this November.

Why? Don't worry. I'm an advocate of the 'grades aren't everything' belief. I'm not mourning because the lack of A's and B's is an eyesore in the course card. I'm disappointed because this is a reflection of my discipline as a person - of my ability to be consistent, of my drive to reach my goals. These are the things which I have been doing for the past 18 years of my life. Sure, all of us will experience failure at one point. But I could've stood up sooner. I could've done something.

Pointless? I think not. I know that I have woken up from this nightmare. I mean, c'mon. I've always been good not because I find satisfaction in bragging about it to other people, but because I've always (as much as possible) exerted my best when it comes to doing my craft. And this is so because I don't know. I was raised this way. I've always believed that I was destined for greatness; and because this is what makes me happy, what makes my heart healthy, my soul restful and my aura glowing. (Wtf.)

Never mind. For now, it's finals and then a little break that will hopefully wash away the negative vibes. And then after a month, I'm off to excellence once again. :)

Outback here I come.
Shopping. Sleepovers. More outings.
Gilmore Girls.
Friends. Family.
Sem break.

Turning point.

Oh how she marveled on her spot. The pedestal was a place she only used to dream of. And now, it was her time to be her own paramount, her own reality. She worked so hard to reach this. She went through restless nights, melancholic solitude and agonistic moments. But now, up here in the pedestal where she can take a glimpse of the whole world and its wonders, everything has condensed into a shapeless mass of nothingness.

Staring hard into oblivion, she blinks and fights the tears back. She has never felt this emptiness. How could she have misread the signs? Why did her intuitions deceive her? Why did she have to come here thinking that this was the response to her longing for perpetual bliss?

Slowly, she begins to crumble. Everything around her seems to be revolving. It suddenly becomes pitch-black. With a thud, she falls to her feet.

She wakes up from the icy pang of the floor. Her throat dry, her heart weary and miserable. She now understands that she doesn't belong here.

This wasn't her quest. It is not too late to go back and start anew. She has reached the turning point.

Countdown and a message to you.

[EDIT] September 30, 2007 | 6:32 p.m.
Fresh from watching the game, you gotta admit that it was a heartbreaking loss. Seeing how the Blue Eagles fought until the last minute. I wouldn't call it bad luck. Maybe the push just wasn't hard enough. Or better yet, maybe we have other things to prove or have actually proven other then winning that sudden death game.

Oh what the hell. Let them be proud of one of the fewest things they can be. (Ahoohoo. Joke lang.;p) - eh kasi kayo eh. You started it. I really don't see the satisfaction that you get by rubbing your bitter victory banners all over our faces when every time we win, we just say it's a nice game. So there there. Thanks for the good spread the entire season.:)

Now back to my regular dose of workaholism. ;p

Yesterday.

It's 88 days before Christmas.
It's two weeks before we kiss the hell month goodbye.
It's less than 24 hours before our 5th game against La Salle.

These, for the most part, are the things which I am looking forward to for now. It's so annoying to be controlled by the invisible hands of time. It's not like I have a choice but to go along with it. If I want my life to get any easier than it is, I better start moving now. I don't want any regrets if I get stuck in a shithole in the next 5 years.

But hey. That's just me. I'm the type of person who doesn't care if my efforts go to waste just as long as I know that I did my part. I don't care if it doesn't get me anywhere because a chunk of me always believes in the fact that I am the sole entity that can control the things that I want to happen, the places where I want to land on. Or so I hope.

I've never experienced this much stress in my entire life. I've never complained this much about the amount of work that's been dumped on my face in the shortest span of time. I've never doubted my abilities as a person in like, forever. And this is all because of the resounding voices of stress (in three different languages: Chinese, English and Filipino) at the back of my mind. I've made school my life for the past two weeks that I barely feel like I'm still living within the confines of humanity. Deadlines are all I have, work is all I could think of and I just keep crossing out everything that I can accomplish.

Moving on. I read someone's blog who tagged me out of the blue.

I have a friend who I care for so much. Among the girls in our group, I consider myself as the closest to him since we kind of formed this bond when he became my seat mate in one of my hatest Math subjects last year. He's the type of guy who likes to do things his way, always ready to take the risk and doesn't care of what other people will think and say. And I've always admired those things about him. Unlike me, his life doesn't depend on colored marks in a planner and on 5 different things where to-do lists can be found. Ironic as it may sound, he's one of the strongest people who have come my way.


I just hate how he thinks he's better off alone. I've always tried to make him feel that my friends and I were always there for him but in every attempt, he just nods his head and gets poked a little and then we couldn't find any trace of him again. But that's a minor thing compared to how I hate how he is being treated.

Emo people have this tendency to get so attached to things and other people. Sometimes, they find it difficult to detach themselves or to muster acceptance at the slightest hint of disappointment. (I would know because I'm in a relationship with a former emo guy. Hahahaha;p But okay, he's beside the point.) I know some things about his recent relationship and how (for me) shitty it is. And if anyone taught me the concept about how everybody should be treated right, then I say snaps to this guy. It's just really sad how everyone cannot follow his own advice.

I know our friendship hasn't gone too deep for me to even create an impact on the life of this guy. Yet I would always hope that he'd take what happened to me (last year) as a lesson learned. If he allows it, then maybe it can serve as a waking call to stop himself from some sort of self-flagellation. We've always wanted the best for him, we've always wished for his happiness. But I guess if he doesn't make his choice, then perhaps it'll be all up to him.

I guess what I just want to say is, no matter how hard life gets to us, we all have our choices to make. Making things easy is one of them. After all, that's why they say that happiness is a choice - there is no right time for us to be miserable or elated, because the right moment happens as soon as we make our choice.

I hope your hermit mode will help you. Everyone could use a bit of the hibernation. Inuman naman tayo after ng lahat ng 'to.

We'll be here - as we've always been.:)

I deserve this.

Hello dear friends. It’s only now that I get to update my blog about stuff. I mean, getting the chance to do things which aren’t academically related is like considered as a miraculous event for me at this time. Whew.

This is the first time that I have gotten the chance to go out ‘go out’ for so long. The last real night out that I had was over the summer in Embassy. When the start of Sophomore year kicked in, I barely had the chance to go out with friends except for parties and dinners in celebration of debuts and other birthdays. And oh my God. I am so glad that I really grabbed the opportunity to go out. I mean, there was this slight possibility of me going to Pampanga to attend a family thing instead, but thanks to my Career Exploration Workshop this morning, everything else just kinda followed.

Fun is it. There was just too much to happen over the weekend (and heck it’s still not over yet!) The conclusion of my academic week was marked with our 3^rd Accounting LT. it was fairly easy compared to the other two. Although I was a bit disappointed because the usual mental block pushed me to commit careless mistakes. But at the very least, all the studying paid off. I mean, I practically had to call activities off just so I could make time for studying and doing my other requirements. My friends and I were coerced to spend two straight days in Starbucks to review for our tests and at the same time consume our usual dose of caffeine to boost our drive for studying. (Omg. Talk about the calories from the frappes and Macchiatos). But oh well, we can only complain so much due to the stress and compulsive eating that the rigorous demands of a student’s life can give.

Today was the day of all days. After the long and tiring week, we finally had a break that we most definitely deserved.

I woke up today still woozy yet refreshed from the previous night’s terror. I actually wanted to buy more time to sleep and rest (although fully aware that I can possibly spend the whole day at home if I opt to do that) yet I decided that I planned a rather packed day just to back out of it. Besides, if anything, all the things that I would be doing are like the farthest things related to work and are just easy relaxing leisure activities.

First stop: Admu Guidance Center for my CEW. My scheduled Career Workshop is today and I had no choice but to attend it since it is a prerequisite to my shifting application. (however, there are certain factors which are so telling my to stay put in Comtech at this point). So I attended it bearing in mind that I can back out if ever I wanted to, but I can never qualify for shifting if I’d miss it. And being the responsible one, of course I was in Ateneo before 8:30 in the morning.

It was a rather enlightening workshop about one’s strengths and weaknesses. It is a helpful tool in the sense that if all the Freshmen would undergo it before they decide on a course, then there would be less shiftees during the succeeding year. For me, the workshop got me to think about my decision carefully and to consider necessary actions for my plans.

Fast forward to after my research period in the lib, I went to Riafae’s dorm to eat lunch and rest a bit. The plan was to go to Gateway to help her shop for her outfit during the party, but it took us long to leave the dorm so it was getting late by the time that we reached the mall. In that case, we were really forced to go back and prep us as quickly as we can because if we didn’t we’d have no ride to Sidebar Café.

Yes. Local Committee Applicants’ Party (LCAP) of Ateneo AIESEC in Sidebar Café, El Pueblo Ortigas. I had no idea what that was at first even though I’m a member of Aiesec. I mean, I haven’t really contributed anything except for trying to commit to the NPM event this October.

Of course, as expected there were a lot of people. It was an open bar event so you can just imagine the exodus of drinks from the bar to the hands of everyone in the venue . The best thing about it was that everyone dear to me was present in the event.

My girls and I had Vodka Peach, a bottle of beer, some Vodka shots again and frozen margarita. And yeah, Daryll is low tol in alcohol so the conclusion is all the same. By the time I was sipping my margarita, I was so tipsy already. But hey, no big.

Hun and John arrived, as well as Mars. Wow. Everyone was there. It was really fun, until we had to go to Warehouse for Micho’s birthday bash.

I love it.:)

After a quick rounds in Warehouse and a bit of pictures and dancing (no more drinks this time) Lainey and I had to go home because Daddy Lumanog was already worrying. Wohhhooo.

I had a lot of fun tonight Babe. I know that I will be rocking these last remaining weeks of the Sem. Tomorrow is game day by the way.
I love my life. Impossible is nothing. <3

To the hell week ahead.:)

Time constraints really make me go too long without having to post an entry. So I'm taking this chance to write a new one while I'm waiting for the attachments for my email to load.:)

Let's make a quick recap shall we?

The jam packed weekend I just had was seriously a total blast. I was sort of fretting because the hectic schedule got etched in my mind throughout the tail end of the week that's why I was carefully checking out the appointments that I'd miss or I needed to cancel. Wooohoo. I planned to study last Friday night because I was aware that I wouldn't be able to make time for even some light reading. Unfortunately, I fell asleep due to exhaustion and lack of sleep. My irregular sleeping patterns have drained all my energy. Luckily, I had a really good Friday. You know, in a very out-of-the-routine-sort of way. Well, for one we didn't stay the whole afternoon in Som mall and we actually had a list of stuff to do. Riafae, Bea and I spent the afternoon doing a headstart for our Econ hw (hell-ish hw, btw), we watched this Japanese class variety show and we had our Ict GA. Ria was sooooo perky because she knew she did great in her Spanish LT and even bought a pretzel from Auntie Anne's as a reward. While Bea and I ate waffle and Juzi juz before watching the variety show. Oh wait, those two events got interchanged. Oh well. Hahahaha;p

Bea really felt miserable because of her sucky NSTP processing but of course we were there to console her during the GA. Hahaha;p After that, I headed home and *thuuuud* I fell asleep on my bed.

The next morning was shopping day for Riafae and I. Ooooh. Can I just say we really raided the mall? It was a shopping spree rampage. After a quick lunch at Pizza Hut, Riafae hit Dorothy Perkins, Zara, Topshop blahblahblah while I was in a hunt for my debut dress that evening. It was really really fun if you think about it. An afternoon with gfs (I met up with Jackie the last minute) and shopping are like the best things a girl can ever do. Although... There was this minor glitch, I was able to patch it up before I went to Nikki's party that evening. Yeahhhoooo.:)

Nikki's party was yet to be the highlight. Omg. I super missed my friends. Chitchats, pictures, Chocolate fondue and dessert, kisses and a lot of hugs in celebration of our dear Nikki's birthday was really the best part.

The next day was of course, was a really hard day for me to wake up because I came from a party. But of course, how can I ever miss game day when we have Upper A tickets? ;p So yeah, I headed to Araneta after managing to get up from bed.

And what do you know, we've been really blessed with faithful players who really put their hearts into the game. The crowd and the band (and of course, how can we forget the mascot) were all out in support of the team. Everyone did great and held on until the last minute. The The 3-point shot by Chris was enough to secure the win. We held onto our seats and the crowd was becoming restless as Maierhoffer attempted to pull off a Kirk Long. But then again, we all have our moments. Victory was on the Blue Eagles' side and we really are grateful. :D

And of course, to top this all off, my week is brandished with a lot of work: readings, tests, hw, papers as usual. I'm going to come up with this latest essay that I am working on entitled brainwashed. Watch out for it.;p

Last night, I realized...

... that I want to shift into another course.

Actually, Media talk has first dibs on this. I went inside Escaler Hall with the mere goal of attending the required talk to compensate for our free Comm class period in the morning. I didn't anticipate that the 20% intentions that I had in shifting to either Com or Polsci will be further heightened. A bit scary if you ask me. I entered the Hall and I saw familiar faces: debaters, friends and famous people. All who are of my same inclination: current events, public affairs, media, politics, issues. I know. It's a bit to late for this to occur to me even now. But is it?

I sat there listening intently to every word and discussing things with Kate (snaps to you, you were a big big factor on this shifting thing;p). And everything came running back to me. See, everyone really sees me as the Comm person. Meaning, never ever the Math person. Comm is really my kind of thing and that's not even the half of it. I enjoy doing it. I love it. Ever since I stopped debating it has been Accounting, Econ and Law. Econ is a core subject so I'm bound to take it anyway. Law and Accounting? Not really. (Law on Obligations and Contracts btw.) I dunno. I don't really have a problem with the curriculum or the subjects in my course. It's just the lack of motivation that keeps me from really exerting effort and doing my best so that I could ace my subjects. I mean, I could be really really good at them if I wanted to and it's just a lame ass thing that I have to bear this all the time. It would be nice to know that I can keep everything balanced no matter what course that I'm in.

But the thing is, I don't find it fulfilling anymore. I know how hard it is to keep pursuing a thing without putting your heart in it. And after all the hard work, all the efforts are to no avail. It just keeps getting worse by the minute.

People keep on asking me what my job will be on the occasion that I decide to pursue Comm. A lot of course. It may not be as big as having a business or being a tycoon at one, but once you find your place and you actually get discovered for what you do, then the money will start flowing. There's a lot of money in Comm if you think about it. And for the most part, that's the last thing that worries me. What I want is to do what I really really really like. It's not about the financial thing. It never will be. Hmmm. I need more breaks to think about this don't I?:(

[EDIT] I just want to put a follow up on the post above. I need to get a 3 to be able to shift to Comm or any other SOSS course. Hopefully, I will get more enlightened with this matter so that I can decide what to do with my budding career. I've already told my friends about this and I know that they just don't understand me now. They don't want me to leave, especially the barkada. Besides, my term as the block rep ends this school year. I have no chances of pursuing Sanggu if I ever step out of JGSOM's confines.:( But hey, that's a risk that I would take. At least I get to do the things that I want to do right? Bahala na muna. I know that mentality is bad, but I guess I just have to do my best and really wait and see for now.

Aaargh. I don't feel well now. I'm dl-ing notes here in a comp shop because my laptop is suddenly malfunctioning. It needs a little bit tlc from me. Awww.☺

What it is to be nocturnal.

Ever know how it feels like to sleep all day and feel so buried in work during the ungodly hours of the morning? (Refer to time of post and you'll know what I mean.) Well here I am. Racking my brains and feeling the extreme pang of guilt because at the back of my mind, I know that there are lots of things that I should be doing right now, but for some reason, I choose to do other stuff instead.

It really feels weird to be functional at this time of the day (err at which case you can consider night. haha.;p) because for most people, this is when the hustle and bustle of everydays usually happen. In my defense, my immune system finally gave in and my worn out self has been suffering colds over the bottom half of the week. So understandably, I've been sleeping all day and just resting because I can't get myself to do something with a runny house and a throbbing head. Like yesterday, I was like super sleepy during the team dinner that I barely enjoyed it and was unable to accomplish my evil scheme of getting myself drunk before going home last night. I even fell asleep during our 7-hour stay at the SOM mall. Omfg. 7 hours wasted chatting and sitting away in that food abundant place. We actually ended up getting merienda from our ever so missed Great Wraps stall. Hahaha.;p

And you know what else is funny? Most of my sensible entries get concocted at this part of the day. I can't really explain why. I guess it's just this time when I get my creative juices flowing. (Wohooo. Is that why I managed to stay up studying the sucky 6-chapter coverage of our Econ quiz and edit my Comm paper at the same time?;p) But the downside of this is having to get really sleepy come the next day due to drained energy. That's just really sad. So the bottom line is: I have to get out of this silly routine. Aaaah!!! -.-

I have this journal which I managed to maintain over a few months back. It was supposedly addressed to this one person and I was supposed to give it to him on our wedding day. Talk about naivety. Hahahahaha;p I could just laugh at myself at the thought of it. I can't believe I was obsessively in love with a guy who used to treat me like trash. And cay I just say that we keep on having these weird once a month encounters? I'm really evil for not telling my bf about this. Not that I have something to hide or that I'm guilty of doing stuff behind his back. It's just not that important to have a slot in my storytelling time. Hahaha;p

Anyway, in that pretty little journal was every detailed account of my special days with him. My thoughts about certain events, my feelings when we fight or break up and mostly rants and raves about our time apart and together. We also had this separate scrap book which we would fill up alternatively about the special occasions that we'd be a part of. Hahaha;p Grabe. We used to be sooo in love. Now, dont' get me wrong. I'm sooooo not nostalgic right now. I'm just trying to build a connection with the days when I formerly had all the time to write, unlike now.

Perhaps because I'm at a loss for inspiration. Most of the things I wrote pertained to painful and melancholic events, how I hated life and how I was the drama queen because of shallow reasons. I can't really say I'm having less of my share of those right now. As a matter of fact, I'm having deeper, life-changing problems that keep messing up my already imbalanced life. But I'm kinda grateful that I am able to rise above some, if not all, of those side orders. It's just that, I am incapable of transforming some into words maybe because of time constraints (you know, my schedule can't be a bit less hammering) or some other reason which really hinders me to do so.

I wanna go back to the writer who I used to be. I wanna stop putting nonsensical entries in my blog. (But then again, I am the only one who gets to define nonsensical.) I want to and I am so going to do it. I used to have the passion and I want to rekindle the fire back. I'm tired of just bumming around (even if people think that my schedule is far too difficult to maintain) and I want to make a difference in everything that I do. I'm going to start now by getting some sleep. :)