Somewhere in between.

I feel like crap. My head is throbbing with pain, my stomach is churning, my body is aching and my spirit is so heavy. The irony of it all is that I stayed home today and I slept after eating dinner so I just woke up.

I didn't come to class because I wanted to take the chance to study for my Calculus test tomorrow. I was feeling a bit sick this morning so I opted not to go to school at all. The thing is, I haven't really studied because I was like doing a lot of unnecessary stuff this afternoon, when I woke up late. Patapon ba? Not really.

So now, I am wide awake and I hope to pull off this all-nighter. I don't really know what's happening to me right now. I'm so so so sad.

I'm traversing somewhere between the lines of super depressed and extremely low but at the same time, I haven't lost hope that somehow there is still something to look forward to after all this crap.

Summer. Yes. Summer. Let's forget about summer class. Just summer.

And yeah. I miss him. I don't know what happened after the talk but I'm pretty sure that I didn't say anything to make him stop talking to me. =( Next time na nga.

Burst.

Rage and fury.

If there's anything in this world that I am least patient at, it's waiting. I hate waiting although I make people wait a lot. But the thing is, overdoing it just makes me snap. As in cry and just infuriate myself with tears.

I'm really really pissed. I am so mad at my dad right now. I have been bumming around since 4 o'clock just being a nomad, transferring places, starving, trying to study and trying to get some things done. I'm stressed, tired, hungry and I doubt that I will ever get some rest when I come home later. In my time, it'll be too late to do things, unless I'm going to start another all-nighter.

Fuck this shit. If I just knew, I would've gone home when my PE class ended. If that would be the case, then maybe I shouldn't be worrying about how to do the things that I have to finish by tonight. But wait, I didn't know didn't I? It's so fucking lame. 5 o'clock is already an allowanced time so that I could sit down and study. But 7 pm? Having to wait for three hours? Shiyet. Super waste of time.

It would be good if I had my own laptop. I would be able to finish my papers then. Too bad I don't. Sorry for me I guess. Hahaha. Sorry for me. Thanks to the malfunctioning computer units here, I have to transfer from time to time. Oh yeah. And for not informing me about how late I was gonna get picked up, I had to multi-task and do things at once so I could get a head start with everything else. If only I knew, I would've finished at least once. But I didn't, didn't I?

I had to wait. I just had to even if I didn't have to. But, if I knew that it would be like this, I would've chosen to go home on my own. Screw it if someone gets mad. I have tons of stuff to do. Get it?

What's bad about it is that my battery had to die down. I had to go to RMT to have it charged. I looked stupid standing up and charging my fone and I was already beginning to feel that people were glaring at how stupid I looked. I had to go here to the lib. I wanted to throw my fone, but not this time.

Thanks to the late time, every place here in Ateneo will close and I still have to wait. I haven't eaten lunch. I have a bunch of stuff to do. Thanks to the traffic, I'll be home by the time that it would be too late for me to decide whether or not I should get some sleep because in the end, it would be the latter. Choice pa kunyari. Wala naman akong magagawa eh.

And then when I finally come home, my very loving parents will scold me for staying up so fucking late. Oh well. It's fun to stay up and get so tired the morning after eh! It's fun not getting any sleep at all and taking tests and shit at school. It's just so fun of a leisure to spend all my time staying up doing non-academic related work. Puta.

In the end, my fruits will reap: ang baba ng grades mo.

Then whose fault is it huh?

I should be home by now. I shouldn't be doing this if I were at home already.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Pretending that love is not for me.

But what else can I do if he don't love me?

Haven't you ever wondered why almost everything that's written here just pertains to one sole thing? Don't you ever get tired of reading posts which are mournfully about the crappiest life ever? I wish to stop but I would heavily contradict reality if I were to do that.

I am by default the unluckiest girl when it comes to handling these situations. Although I am proud to say that we are both taking things step by step and that we are not in a rush - I'm glad to see some improvement.

I love him. He loves me. All we need is time. - school work at that first.

State of confusion = state of calamity.

Can I just say that I hate this feeling? Everytime you feel like everything's just falling in its right place something just holds you back and keeps you away from feeling perpetual happiness. More often than not, the situation is out of your control and you just have to hang on for dear life to be able to conquer it and hopefully let it pass.

It's always partially my fault when it comes to these things. I choose to submit myself to the cicumstance even if I am fully aware of the complications that it entails. I know that once I allow that thing to happen, everything just goes back in time and forces itself to go back to how it was, even if it's impossible to do so.

I give myself the credit that I was already doing good at the first part. After the sweet talk, the fireworks and the short time together, I was down to my knees once again. It's such a bad thing. I gave it another night and a day to get myself to decide that none of this matters anymore. It's just a temporary high, I just missed doing it and showing my caged feelings. I don't have to feel this way right? It's been long over with. We're just making the same mistake again. Waaaah!!!:'(

I don't have to be attached to the past. I have to be strong to overcome this. Everything's gonna go wrong if I give in to this.

- I am so speaking in vague terms.

Anyway. Lanna's 18th birthday at Rockwell Club was a total blast. Pictures at my multiply soon. We had so much fun mainly because the whole barkada was almost there. I love it:)

So much for storytelling. I have to work now. Later:)

[EDIT] I can never feel too much. I can never be that girl.

I don't know what's happening to me. I feel so moody, stressed and suddenly unhappy. This is perhaps one of the most uncanny moments in my life. It's one of these times that my mood just fluctuates between the extremes that I end up having a horribly painful headache.

I sat around all day and I swear. Sitting around this much not talking to anyone and just doing things alone sucks. It sucks big time and can even suck one's sanity out. Woooooaaaah. It's a pretty lame Sunday evening. It's such a temptation to slack off but I know that once I give in, I would be feeling so much worse tomorrow. Much worse than I should feel.=(

Why must I feel this way? Why can't I ever run away from it? Why must I struggke so hard in order to be happy?

Why can't I make the right choice?

[EDIT] Still can't pull myself together.

An open letter to you.

I don't exactly know what to say and whatever it is, how to say it. I've lost words within the duration that I have allowed myself to be consumed with the pain that was inflicted. I allowed it-the most part that I went wrong.

But the thing is, that's the power that love can force and thrust upon a person's well-being. No matter how hard I seemed to try to resist everything that was happening, the more that it succeeded on its way through. Again, a mistake which I allowed.

Or was it? Is there anyone to blame after all that's happened? Is it really anyone's fault? Or were we just victims of a circumstance that we couldn't possibly devoid of? Honey I thought that by not talking to you, everything would go perfectly well. I was right. Everything seemed perfectly and genuinely well. The only thing that contested it was the last-minute chance of you having to go back to me.

And it happened. I wasn't expecting anything like it. I was rid of you for some time and I was really happy. But being with you, back in your arms and just forgetting everything else that's happened made all the difference. I was cold at the beginning maybe because I already forgot how it was to love and to be loved. However, your every kiss and embrace reminded me and brought back that feeling once more. Now my heart aches at the prospect that even if we take this chance, things will never be the same anymore.

My heart is weak. I look outside thinking that you are only a short distance away. The smell of the wind is a signal that summer is about to take place. We are once again entrapped in the moment of deep love and longing. I want to be with you so badly, so bad that it hurts. I want to forget everything; the hurt and the pain of not being with you. But why is having you now suddenly the end of my world? Why is it an immediate destruction of everything that I'm trying to live for for the past months?='( I sitll love you all the while.

In as much as I would like to put the past behind and take this second chance to be able to start anew, the scars of the past will continue to find a way to haunt me. If we are willing to take this, we have to be stronger.

For now, it's us against the world and we have everything to prove.='( Stay with me.

Rising from the ashes.

If there's one significant thing that's happened today, it would be the moment that took place an hour ago. God really has a peculiar way of putting things together. - next entry:p

Today is Ash Wednesday and is the start of the Lenten Season. For years, I have never failed to fulfill my obligations as a devout Catholic and follower of God. Although there have been changes and a lot of things are putting my faith to the test, I am quite proud that I never let those forces make my faith falter. I feel that my relationship with God is not as close as before; distant in fact, so I am making amends for my shortcomings. I mean, after leaving the Youth Parish Council (which was so not my decision) the lack of responsiveness to God's usual call made me personally incomplete everyday.=(

So Laine, Ria and I were only among the select few who attended mass at Gesu this morning and had our foreheads imposed with ash. I most especially loved the homily (aside from my usual enchantment with the Music Ministry - the fatabulous singing voice of the choir) and I have to admit that I was struck with most of the words that Fr. David said.

"To love, to hold on and to let go."
- To love what is given, to hold on to it while it is with us and to finally learn to let go of it when the time comes that God takes it away. We have to bear in mind that things in this world are given to us for a specific time. That in its sense, should teach us never to take those things for granted and that when it is time to let go, we have to wholeheartedly do so.

"Our life is not about the losses that we have incurred but rather the dispositions that we made to cope with those losses."
- We are restricted to only one choice upon losing something or someone and that is to let go. It is an inevitable part of living and the way to deal with it is not acting as if we were the victim but rather how we chose to handle the situation even if it meant the deepest infliction of pain.

After all, when the only thing that matters is love, we have to strive to be happy even without the things that we want to have. It's about giving way to God's plan, putting our selfish desires last in our list of things to do.

Okay. Still have an ES LT tomorrow. Wrap this up muna.

Cheerios:)

Hey ho! Let's go!

I'm in a perky mood today. I didn't really wake up on the right side of the bed. In fact, I slept for a short while during the long break after copying notes for ES.

Actually, we were supposed to go and watch a movie - Music and Lyrics with The Core. Thanks to Laine for fending off the dark side of the force, we decided to stay here and finish school stuff instead.

A lot of people are asking me if the Sanggu elections results are out. Well, I have no idea. Let's just hope for the best I guess. Later. I still have to study and work on my papers. I'm gonna go home freakin' late tonight because of our Fil play.

[EDIT] It's 11:30 and I'm here talking to my good friend John about some serious stuff. Ooohhh weeee. It's late but I still have to stay up because of stupid ES long test and some other school shit. Oh yeah. The woes of a kolehiyala.

Before the Fil play, we got stuck at Matteo to study and be nerds until 5:30. I fortunately finished my Lit paper so I'm down to two: my Fil paper and the InTACT reflection thing. Of course, the ES LT which I have to study for.

While at our study-fest, Laine and I had an encounter with my ooooh so hoooooot dreamboy - Chris Tiu: the daily supplement. I can never get used to seeing him every single day at SOM Mall. He always always completes my every school day. Well, the thing is, Laine had to talk to him for this Athletics Council event that she was heading. While they were talking, I was just there standing beside Laine, staring at his face. Yuck Daryll. Starstruck?

No. I was just stunned. I couldn't hold my panties.:D We postponed our shrieks up until we reached the bathroom in expression of our undying love for that guy. I mean, c'mon. He's such a sweetheart and any girl would be so freakin' lucky to have him.

After that, we had dinner at The Old Spaghetti House, had our share of pasta and kwentos with the rest of the Core (the boys came from the movie), JV and Ryan. We went back to Ateneo to watch the play.

I couldn't help but falling asleep on the first part, not because it was boring but sadly, I was really tired at that time. Good thing I was still able to gather enough strength to watch the remaining part of it. It was really good. Yeah.

Oh well. Gotta work on the all-nighter now.

Cheerios:p

Summer heat wave.

I can't wait for summer.

Omg. It's so freakin' hot today. It's the start of the summer heat wave. It was wrong to wear a shirt, jeans and chucks today. Aaaaah! I'm dying!

I was supposed to finish my lit paper here in Matteo because I had one hour to spare an hour ago. But because there aren't a lot of functional units here and I still had to wait for the WiFi, I'm starting just now and I don't have plenty of time left. I guess I'll just have to fix whatever problems there are in this blog and then leave off for training. Whoopeee! I missed training. I'm going to have a blast later.:)

It's 10 minutes before 4 and I have to walk under the heat of the sun all the way to the covered courts. I'm sooo dead.

Oh well. I just know that this week is a lot more hectic than the past even though I consider it such a hassle. I guess I have to double my efforts and there's no room for slacking off now.

Later:)