I'd Rather Not.

They say that when your desires manifest in your subconscious, then there is a certain level of depth and yearning beyond what you initially acknowledged. 

I don't know about that but I do know that you have been occupying my dreams quite often since the day I  met you. I have been vocal about wanting to get to you know especially to my friends and other random people who have no idea who you are. But after that moment when our world was convulsed in sweet and abrupt collision, I have to say everything about you and me, is not written in the stars. AT ALL. 

Before I realized that, I thought otherwise. By some sort of intervention by the universe, I found out that your best friend and I have a common friend and it was through her that I learned to latch on some sort of hope and inch closer to getting to know you. I came to know of your life dreams, your issues, your baggage, your hobbies and other stuff. Things that, in reference to our short-lived text conversations, would not have come from your non-initiative to share anyway. 

And then my interest began to grow, owing that curiosity to the fact that our commonalities are more than what we bargained for and are simply hard to ignore. You were a refreshing break from the people I used to like and I thought that maybe you're finally this someone that I need. So I mustered up the energy to make my presence felt every once in a while, hoping that you would notice me again and remember why you asked for my number that fateful day in the first place. 

To no avail.

It was only after several attempts that I realized you are as disinterested as a rock placed in front of a purring cat. You may have had your share of weird episodes in the way you 'reached out' (or should I say, misdialed my number or was supposed to ask me something but then you decided not to) but I was getting tired of trying to make you look my way. 

Despite this, even if I have begun to think of you less each day, you are still there in my dreams to stay. 

I've finally accepted that life was just giving me a reminder: guys like you still exist but do not necessarily linger. I became a bit furious at the thought that had you not come up to me and ask for my name and number then I wouldn't even be in this mess. That was a bit insensitive and unfair. But well, sh*t happens. What's worse is I couldn't bury this deep at all since our network dictates that this year might be a stretch of possibilities in seeing each other. I wonder how my heart would react the next time I see your face. 

I may, perhaps, still watch you from a distance and sigh at the lost opportunity of making this more than what it is. I may continue to be surprised when you suddenly appear in my dreams and beat myself up every morning in order to shake that feeling of being hung over from your intoxicating presence. 

But if this is the best that it gets and I can never break your walls or spur any sign of interest, then it's time for me to get off this one-way street and carry on. Because a heartbreak from a person oblivious to my feelings is too much of a familiar alley and I would rather not go back. 

Safe Place

I've been gone for too long since the year kicked in. Been having a blast lately: school has ended, all the kids are out and here I am juggling an impossible schedule.

Work is a bit bittersweet. I keep learning new things everyday, meeting a lot of people and putting my skills to greater heights. Adjusting to an experienced group may be a tough job to keep but that's why I always try to balance it with things that keep me sane. Despite everything being new to me: the pace, the people and the endless possibilities, I am happy that I get to have the best of both worlds. Feeling fulfilled because all my KRAs are measurable and having the time (and money) to open new doors for passion projects are more than what I bargained for.

Travel is still at the top of my priorities. Though I kind of removed it from the top spot because of investments in the works and my nonsense logic to always do things in a linear fashion, I still can't survive a month without traveling. I celebrated my birthday with my family in HK and sans the bad weather in Macau, it was probably one of the most maximized trips I've ever done. This is also my only time to rejoin my friends - my closest - since I'm finding it hard to create a travel niche in my new work place. Being the youngest and only unmarried person can stretch your character in both ways - you teach yourself to absorb so much knowledge and experience at work and you get to relish the fact that you still have ample time to enjoy all of your youth compared to the people around you.

Sports is my second priority. After going on a volleyball hiatus for two years, I've finally gone back to the tribe in the village league. I'm still a bit rusty as evidenced in the past games but being able to play just makes me feel so home. I've also joined my friends in their after work swim and jogging sessions. Coupled with the right diet, I do believe it's high time that I cut down the excess baggage and redeem my glory days. This will also be good for my chronic back pain/scoliosis paranoia.

Passion is passion. On top of all these, I have a long list of plans doodled in my planner. A lot of which I could only dream about before but are slowly and finally taking their course, and some I still need to heavily work on. I have neglected some of my commitments because of trying to take in too much which makes my feel frustrated. I'm trying to keep my handpicked responsibilities on track along with my Gantt chart so that I can come out in one piece after every project. The election campaign, the NGO, the teaching, public speaking, the singing, the cooking, have always been a backbone to who I am.

All in all, I'm in a very safe place - nothing too extreme, no drama, what have you. Turning 24 made me take on decisions for my life that finally instigated the turning point that I've always needed. I needed to stop comparing myself to others, building too much expectations and overanalyzing the simplest of situations. While I'm generally working on these things, choosing to let go and take action has made wonders. I finally feel a simple little kind of free. :)