Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Maybe I was trying too hard.

It's this feeling when you constantly tell people that you're happy but in truth you're not. It's this time around, that you act like you're having the time of your life but deep inside you're falling apart. It's this want, this need to feel that sensation again that you once had to the tip of your toes - lingering and urging you to crave for more.

Stop me before I get lost and slip into the darkest alley of your heart. Tell me not to drink this poison and fall into a deep slumber. Hold my hand and don't let me go. This will be the death of me.

Oh man I need to sever any ties that I have with my alternate reality.

Pardon me. I just came from an accounting test and I am anything but sane.


Monday, February 25, 2008

Laveeet.

I should be doing my theo oral speech right now, while Laine is in the other room printing out our shit. We just came from my house - in attempt to finish studying for theo but of course, knowing the Laine and Da tandem, success is super minimal.

But no. We're going to ace not only our theo orals, but every single requirement for the remainder of the semester. Nyahaha. Photo time!;p



Valentine's Day <3


Photobooth one afternoon in Starbucks (while doing a group paper in Com)


(Ignacio SOM slate '08) I <3 you guys.


Lanz's 19th bday celeb :D

Sunday, February 24, 2008

And so it is...

The cards have been laid. It's now time to play the game.
iTunes: Rise by Samantha James

I haven't blogged about this because I wanted to see the results for myself first. Here goes.

Two weeks ago, I went to a manghuhula to have my fortune told. :)) Hahaha. Okay. And then here a couple of things which she predicted for me:

*My ex and I could possibly give it another shot
*I'm going to have 4 relationships within the next two years
*I'm going to win in the Sanggu elections - by 60%
*I'm going to graduate with distinction
*I'm going to Europe
*I'm going to land on the job that I like and have time for public service
*My friends and I are going to be friends forever
*I'm gonna be happy, basically
and some other stuff too personal to mention - but she was able to guess them right.

I don't know if it were just (as Psychology would call it) the Barnum effect. And honestly, with the way things are going now, I don't know how to react. It's just so creepy.

I won the elections by 62.33% of the votes. Now that's something. As to the first one I stated... Naaah. I don't think that's ever going to happen now. So I guess, while that option is still possible, it's my own choice to leave it at that.

For the other things, I'm yet to find out of course. I think that the manghuhula was a good resort to boost my already failing ego. I did my best for things to turn out this way.

I've been super busy the past weeks and my workload has just escalated into such an alarming rate. Hopefully, I would be able to do what I do best: work and be happy. :)) Gawd I wanna watch Ne-yo but I don't know if my parents would let me.:(

Everyone in Ignacio is a bit sad with the election turnouts - of course including me. Even if I were a first-timer in the party, I never felt so much at home. I met new friends, not just co-leaders in the Sanggu, when I entered it. I ran as independent last year because I knew no one from either Ignacio or Agila. This year, when I became part of Partido Ignacio, I felt like I missed so much during that one year of being an independent candidate. It's not about being clique-ish or just sticking to the people who you know. The truth is, after everything you've been doing together, you still go beyond that circle of people. It's just that, you become stronger and better because of the people inside that foundation. Most of the ones who deserved to win lost to either their opponents or to abstain. It was such a saddening feat.:( But God has plans for everyone - and in believing that, we know that it is His plan to keep us together regardless of our win or loss in the elections.

At the end of the day, we know what kind of persons we have become after being a part of the whole Ignacio slate. :) And no amount of ridicule or external speculation can ruin that.

I wanna do so much but there isn't much time. Everything else is moving at a much faster pace and I don't know if I'm slowly getting stuck to where I'm standing.

[EDIT] 10:48 p.m.

I noticed that I have too much posts in this date so I'll pick where I left this afternoon.

I just came home from a family dinner. I had just finished exercising (with the help of my ever reliable Hiphop Abs) and I resumed doing my theo reviewer for my orals when my dad texted me asking me if we wanted to have dinner with everyone else because Tito Ode just came home from abroad.

So of course after a short panic attack (dreading that I won't be able to finish my theo thing and make time for accounting) I said yes and immediately got dressed. Then off we went to Emerald Garden in Roxas Boulevard to eat dinner.

I sat quietly during dinner and let the folks chat. My tita and I were talking about booking flights for summer and stuff. And then I heard something rather not pleasing.

Long story short, my lolo is so sick that we have to convince him to hang on by drinking medicine and listening to what the doctors advise him to do. My stomach makes a turn every time I think about it. He's gonna undergo an operation soon to at least remedy some things.

There was so much drama. But knowing my dad's side of the family, they were always optimistic about things and they would always find a way to joke about even those types of issues. So at some point, it wasn't that heavy to take in.

Save the drama. I'm just praying and hoping for the best in everything.:(

Alas.

It's that empty feeling when you wake up in the morning. Your stomach lurches at the thought of having nothing, elaborately nothing, to fill that emptiness.

You know what? You're so cute. But how come you don't see right through me? Gaaaah. I hate this.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Spastic.

Clearly, I don't know what I got myself into.

Campaign period officially over.
Hell months officially started.
Inumans officially pending.
Studying officially hating. - oops. Okay. Self-fulfillment. I love studying.
Debate
officially missing.
Time and sleep
officially lacking.
Love
officially heartbreaking.
Family and friends
officially understanding.

Hahaha.

And by that I don't mean work.
Would I have chosen this if I'd known that it couldn't have gone amiss?
I need someone else to channel my frustrations to.
And by that I mean
YOU.

Pardon me and my sadness.

I'm happy. I really am.

Just don't remind me of the work load that I have to accomplish until the end of the semester.

Fudge my laptop. It's not registering my blogspot account into rich text format. :(

Sunday, February 17, 2008

It must be a pseudo-prozac.

And I am this high. Hahaha.:)) I am currently cramming for an LS test (what's new) because I came from training this afternoon. It was super fun, considering that it was the last of the series before our judgment day in the Miting de Avance tomorrow. (Even if I had to be picked up clothes wet due to the GD in the pool). I have been so busy this past week - really. As in uber hectic. The only difference is, I don't lash out on people anymore. Some viral disease named Bea seemed to have taken its toll on me and infected me with the Prozac high. (Haha. Kidding. We're not taking any.) Although I do feel lotsa funky stuff in my body (frequented headaches, ulcer attacks and canker sores galore), at least I just contain all the stress and pressure within myself.

So this is the life. Work hard, work harder. There has been a drought for parties the past two weeks. Aaaah. I can't wait to go out after all of this. One more week and then acads here I come. Two more months and Bora here I come. Yaaay.:D

Wow. Imma be turning 19 soon. :s

I <3>

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Hearts are for beating.

I spent a ginormous amount of time trying to fathom how the hell am I going to avoid this day as if it were the plague. Honestly, not that I don't feel anything special about it besides the uberly hectic schedule that I have that's distributed evenly throughout the day because of campaigning. Or not that I took note of it too over the past week. Truth is I didn't care, single or not, it's all just the same.

That's how bitter I am. This is the second year in a row that I will be celebrating V-day as single lady. Hence, I am more proactive with the thought of jubilating because it's also the Single Awareness Day. :)) Even if I am wearing a bright red jersey dress (nothing to do with V-day excuse me), I regard this day as typical yet not dismounting the fact that I could bump into cheesiness, mushiness and sappiness in the form of flowers, chocolates and stuffed animals everywhere. Oh the horror.

Things have been more complicated. I don't know why and I don't know how were are going to figure this by ourselves. But I guess I have to accept that while we do not arrive at an agreement on what we really want to have or what we are willing to let go of then everything is just downright confusing. It actually became a burden more - contrary to how the break up was supposed to address to that problem. Ugggh.

I went with my dad to the cheesy stop last night so that he could buy a bouquet of flowers for my mom and a round of Toblerone for... her also. Hahaha. Gone are the days when I'd be looking forward to something. Come to think of it. I haven't gotten the chance to celebrate V-day in a special way. Ever. Two years ago, I was fighting with him. *cough*ex*cough* And then last year, my friends and I established the SAWINU club (forgot what it stands for), wore black outfits and stayed in Seattles' Best to study for our Calculus exam. And this year. Well, let's just say that I'm not up for it. I go around with a genuine smile, greeting everyone a warm V-day. And I think that's enough.:)




Sunday, February 10, 2008

Let's not be barbaric, okay?

I am not a big fan of forums and chat rooms which people can randomly access according to the topic of their choice. Most of the time, these 'discussion' sites go haywire, arousing unwarranted criticisms that just spurt out of nowhere. In short, it becomes an outlet for people who just can't contain themselves in a heated discussion.

A lot of Ateneans are not oblivious to the fact (and I hope so by now) that the university student council, more popularly known as the Sanggunian or the Sanggu is experiencing one of its most terrible battles. Mostly because of this and that - no one seems to know the real reason why. And I can attest to that lack of transparency. Because even I, one of the most popular fans and advocates of student leadership and service for all, and a member of Sanggunian for the past year, can't answer to my friends' questions when asked about those particular incidents. In the midst of speculations that are just unruly and seemingly uneducated, (as if these people don't go to a Jesuit school) most people choose to remain vigilant and steadfast - thinking out of the box and trying to understand what could have caused those unwanted events.

But the truth is, this is all just stupid. Stupid because the public no longer gives the leaders a chance to explain their actions, to account for themselves or even to show their human sides. A margin of the student body, by means of propaganda and ill-witted accusations without no basis whatsoever, has developed a habit of making a grocery list of demands that the Sanggu should do in order to address their needs. The official school publication has focused on the negative aspects of the so-called crippled leadership that the Sanggu has rendered from the beginning of the year. And then there's the Gadfly Society, the number one leftist movement who is trying to overthrow the student government bit by bit through its mail spamming containing nothing but its complaints against the said institution. I wonder if Luis Abad ever had the same problem in his regime?

And then they say the students are apathetic. Riiight. The trick to getting the students' attention, if not the dress code or another set of complaints against the system, is to hold a big party with lots of booze and djs. Or is it? Have Ateneans sunk this low in terms of living out the true Atenean values? Is this what they get from fretting about academics too hard that they are unable to participate in constructive dialogues and give intellectual opinions without having to bicker about wanting to get heard? C'mon now. Let's prove people's assumptions wrong - that we are a bunch of spoiled brats sent to school to spend Daddy's money, who don't care about our future because we're the heirs to some fortune anyway.

Because the truth is, we're not. We are civilized and good-natured people who believe the best in others. We help ourselves in order to meet our needs. We excel in not only our studies, but also in responding to social concerns. We are at a huge distance from this 'unwarranted criticism' just like how the derisions of the students are from the real events that are happening in the Sanggunian. We are supposed to understand the initiative that these students are trying to make in order to make way for change. We are supposed to look past the shortcomings and eye on the potential to make a difference in order to actually address the students' needs. It's not something that should be joked about, to be hate-mailed about, to be barbaric in a blog site about. Everything goes beyond that. At the end of all this, do all the bitch-slapping, ass-kissing and backstabbing lead us to the one thing that we want? - Change? No.

As much as I am amused in reading these forums online (or these blogs turned to avenues for public debate) especially when the humor gets really iffy, I feel that the purpose of the public sphere has once again failed us. Everyone is supposed to have a say in order to come up with a solid Atenean stance but today, the students remain to be divided.

There are the people who simply don't care. They are the ones who are unaware of the happenings and who refuse to become involved - either they have tried to and got exhausted, or didn't even attempt to because they see no benefit from it. Then there are the ones who care too much - the makers of those blogs, the insistent mother of all spammers who invite themselves to school ygroups just to let the people know of their woes. There are also the ones who are hurt and who are trying to handle all these feedbacks and reactions, because they feel that they have done their best in order to contribute to change but the student body falls short in acknowledging it. There are students, still, who believe that the situations could be remedied and could still be repaired. They are the brave souls who will face the public in the upcoming elections and give it another shot. And then there are those who just had enough that they dismissed everyone, believing that this is beyond helpless and everything should just be abolished so that this complication would cease.

One huge barricade traverses in between two groups in the end. The Sanggu on one side and the student body on the other. For the most part, both parties have failed to meet each other eye to eye. The Sanggunian could have worked on its internal glitches earlier so that this catastrophe could have been prevented. The student body on the other hand, could have probed more on the ongoings in the Sanggu (e.g. projects and events) rather than giving a generalized critique that the student council is not doing anything because at any angle that you look at it, it is doing something.

But it cannot do so much on its own.
The Sanggu is not an intangible element that the students can whine about all they want. It is composed of Ateneans too, who dream to unite everyone and for the hell of it, stop this political quagmire. The effort that is needed to come up with an effective governing body is so huge that the Sanggu cannot bank solely on its elected officers to carry out its purpose. It needs everyone's help. It needs a healthy dose of criticisms once in a while to provide checks and balances with regard to its performance but the last thing that it needs is this hefty burden in the form of non-cooperation from the students.

All the bashing and lambasting - are they of any use? Who are we to judge?

We have the right to judge because we, ourselves are involved. But these words can only do so much as to disturb the already perturbed peace in the student body. If we do not throw in concrete actions in order to meet our very own concerns, then we justify the accusation that we are spoiled brats - who have nothing better to do than throw tantrums and be our helpless selves.

To keep the faith and hang on to the thought that we could do much by not asking others to do it for us but by doing it ourselves with the help of others is what this situation is trying to say.

It isn't about politicking or irrelevance or being dysfunctional. It's about recognizing that we are a part of this culture, whether we want it or not. It's about choosing to do something about our own issues rather than dismissing our fellow students who we think should be working for us.

It's about being a true Atenean, for all its worth - for willing to serve and for bearing in mind our responsibility over our fellow Ateneans, regardless of whether we hold an office or not.

To encourage discussion is yet a noble act, but we are not here to relish on an idealism that remains far from the hearts of everyone. What we are trying to push for is a realistic grasp of being able to cater to the majority's, if not everyone's, needs by extending our arms to others in hope that they will reach out theirs.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

But it's better if you do.

The only reason to take a step back is when you feel like you're apprehensive about the future.
To be scared is to see that nothing in this world is worth trying.
It's about time I do something on my own.

Lose yourself.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Easy does it.

iTunes playing: How Do I Breathe? by Mario - nice one. haha.

It makes you wonder how it's easy for you to make decisions without really understanding what made you choose to do them in the first place.

It was a good 8 months. After everything that's happened, I feel that I don't need to explain myself to anyone or be passed any judgment just because it was seemingly quick and painless. In fact, if there's anyone who's hanging and still mystified, it should be me.

Sometimes all of us need to take a break from all the exhaustion that life brings. It doesn't mean that we're ready to give up the fight. It's just that, we need to regain the strength that led us to the battle in the beginning. If everything starts going wrong, you wouldn't opt to continue without fixing things beforehand would you?

So I'm going to say this again. A heart can only pump so much blood and can only ache for so long - it gets tired too. Love can be tedious. It's not enough to make every tad bit of pain and headache disappear overtime.

Caught up in between, when you hear yourself utter those harsh breakup words, you find yourself wishing you hadn't. The echo is so implausible. You urge yourself to take them back and for everything to just pause and rewind. But then, at some point of being shaken after what you think was a simple reverie, you snap back to reality - it's done. It's over. There's no turning back.

It's called the point of no return.

He told me that he realized how it hurts more because we called everything off in good terms. You know, everything was mutual and casual - no shouting, no cussing. He said he'd rather have the latter. Because then, you get to wallow a bit (like for weeks) thinking of all the ruthless reasons why you wanted to end it in the first place. Unlike now, you're really coerced to put everything in perspective and wholeheartedly understand the whole picture - the very abstract-ness of it, the roots of the complications, the jaggedness of the puzzle. So you see, it really is a hard thing to do.

But I guess at the end of the day, we all find ourselves thanking this particular event no matter how it placed us into so much pain and emptiness in such a quick span of time. It was because we wanted something better for ourselves and for our partners, regardless of how simple and icky it was - time off and alone, space and room to grow so that in the future and stricken by the hands of fate, you'd be able to take the chance more boldly and more maturely.

Or I don't know. It's too early to tell. Gaaah.

On the brighter side. This weekend was just super. I had the most stressful academic week since the year started and I just couldn't thank God enough for this break. My friends and I were supposed to watch Sweeney Todd last Friday but Eastwood was too quick to change the movies.:( We ended up eating dinner and shopping for dvds!:D Breakfast at Tiffany's and some classics (Marilyn Monroe, The Wizard of Oz and another Audrey Hepburn movie) here I come!:D

Plus we had a blast last night. - We went to the I Love Manila Cosa's 2nd GA but not a lot was going on so we ended up partying in Cuisine and Embassy. (Thanks Mike!<3)


Core (minus Bea) @ Cuisine.<3


We're both doing okay for now and I couldn't wait for things to get even better.:)