Sunday, July 21, 2013

I'd Rather Not.

They say that when your desires manifest in your subconscious, then there is a certain level of depth and yearning beyond what you initially acknowledged. 

I don't know about that but I do know that you have been occupying my dreams quite often since the day I  met you. I have been vocal about wanting to get to you know especially to my friends and other random people who have no idea who you are. But after that moment when our world was convulsed in sweet and abrupt collision, I have to say everything about you and me, is not written in the stars. AT ALL. 

Before I realized that, I thought otherwise. By some sort of intervention by the universe, I found out that your best friend and I have a common friend and it was through her that I learned to latch on some sort of hope and inch closer to getting to know you. I came to know of your life dreams, your issues, your baggage, your hobbies and other stuff. Things that, in reference to our short-lived text conversations, would not have come from your non-initiative to share anyway. 

And then my interest began to grow, owing that curiosity to the fact that our commonalities are more than what we bargained for and are simply hard to ignore. You were a refreshing break from the people I used to like and I thought that maybe you're finally this someone that I need. So I mustered up the energy to make my presence felt every once in a while, hoping that you would notice me again and remember why you asked for my number that fateful day in the first place. 

To no avail.

It was only after several attempts that I realized you are as disinterested as a rock placed in front of a purring cat. You may have had your share of weird episodes in the way you 'reached out' (or should I say, misdialed my number or was supposed to ask me something but then you decided not to) but I was getting tired of trying to make you look my way. 

Despite this, even if I have begun to think of you less each day, you are still there in my dreams to stay. 

I've finally accepted that life was just giving me a reminder: guys like you still exist but do not necessarily linger. I became a bit furious at the thought that had you not come up to me and ask for my name and number then I wouldn't even be in this mess. That was a bit insensitive and unfair. But well, sh*t happens. What's worse is I couldn't bury this deep at all since our network dictates that this year might be a stretch of possibilities in seeing each other. I wonder how my heart would react the next time I see your face. 

I may, perhaps, still watch you from a distance and sigh at the lost opportunity of making this more than what it is. I may continue to be surprised when you suddenly appear in my dreams and beat myself up every morning in order to shake that feeling of being hung over from your intoxicating presence. 

But if this is the best that it gets and I can never break your walls or spur any sign of interest, then it's time for me to get off this one-way street and carry on. Because a heartbreak from a person oblivious to my feelings is too much of a familiar alley and I would rather not go back. 

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