It's been soooo long since I updated this journal. Before, I couldn't go a day or two without writing something down, actually pausing from all the hustle and bustle of my lifestyle and just you know, saving something for myself to look back on.
Not that I've made my choice willingly. I really had to forego a lot of things that were non-negotiables in my former lifestyle (hence, putting them on hiatus) so I could squeeze in some extra time to keep myself sane and in one piece as I juggle all the things I do. I had to give up sleep, blogging, religious updates on social networking sites (a gazillion pictures stashed away in my external hard drive) and keeping myself in the know of the latest episodes of teen soaps.
Despite all of this, I don't regret having to drastically shift from by part-time bummer, full time workaholic occupation since I have more important things that I vent my energy on. My boy toy, Sanggu, acads, competitions-career-involvement-crap and an actual business just to name a few. I'm still the normal tweenager so I have my social life and family obligations to do on the side.
Aside from these reasonable excuses, I tend to cringe on the ugliness of this blog's banner picture whenever I see it. Now that I have actually upped my Photoshop skills by at least 3 notches high, I couldn't imagine myself years back using paint to come up with such an ugly... thing. Haha. So every time I make an attempt to write, I just lose the motivation because the aesthetics of this blog is too much of a failure for me. But oh well. I've never had the time to execute the wonderful banner picture that I have in mind so I can't complain.
Moving on... I wrote because I don't have any other outlet to let this out on. Everything just seems to be falling apart at this moment. And I don't want to go out and rant to a friend because I have proven myself to be intensely sensitive to side comments and judgments no matter how constructive they are. Not now. So... there.
I don't want to delve into specifics and deets. Just put emphasis on the feeling of pain, betrayal, confusion... Now really. How much can you bottle up in half a week without crashing? The worst thing is not having the only person who you trust beside you. Because he's a big chunk of that bandwagon who caused you so much pain.
It's been so long since I've had rambles like this. Haha. I used to complain a lot for not having someone to feel brokenhearted on. And now that he's here, well of course it's different. No one wants to wallow in misery right?
Now I'm stuck in the middle. At the back of my mind, I know that after a few days everything will turn out okay. That this is the beginning of the many struggles that we will surpass as a couple (after complaining that we're still in the stupid honeymoon, infatuation stage). But the gravity of what happened has gained its toll on me leaving no room for immediate forgiveness, no matter how soon I want to get over it, no matter how soon I want this fight to end.
Hoowell. I have to go now. NEW HEADER PICTURE SOON.
