Long Time.

It's been soooo long since I updated this journal. Before, I couldn't go a day or two without writing something down, actually pausing from all the hustle and bustle of my lifestyle and just you know, saving something for myself to look back on.

Not that I've made my choice willingly. I really had to forego a lot of things that were non-negotiables in my former lifestyle (hence, putting them on hiatus) so I could squeeze in some extra time to keep myself sane and in one piece as I juggle all the things I do. I had to give up sleep, blogging, religious updates on social networking sites (a gazillion pictures stashed away in my external hard drive) and keeping myself in the know of the latest episodes of teen soaps.

Despite all of this, I don't regret having to drastically shift from by part-time bummer, full time workaholic occupation since I have more important things that I vent my energy on. My boy toy, Sanggu, acads, competitions-career-involvement-crap and an actual business just to name a few. I'm still the normal tweenager so I have my social life and family obligations to do on the side.

Aside from these reasonable excuses, I tend to cringe on the ugliness of this blog's banner picture whenever I see it. Now that I have actually upped my Photoshop skills by at least 3 notches high, I couldn't imagine myself years back using paint to come up with such an ugly... thing. Haha. So every time I make an attempt to write, I just lose the motivation because the aesthetics of this blog is too much of a failure for me. But oh well. I've never had the time to execute the wonderful banner picture that I have in mind so I can't complain.

Moving on... I wrote because I don't have any other outlet to let this out on. Everything just seems to be falling apart at this moment. And I don't want to go out and rant to a friend because I have proven myself to be intensely sensitive to side comments and judgments no matter how constructive they are. Not now. So... there.

I don't want to delve into specifics and deets. Just put emphasis on the feeling of pain, betrayal, confusion... Now really. How much can you bottle up in half a week without crashing? The worst thing is not having the only person who you trust beside you. Because he's a big chunk of that bandwagon who caused you so much pain.

It's been so long since I've had rambles like this. Haha. I used to complain a lot for not having someone to feel brokenhearted on. And now that he's here, well of course it's different. No one wants to wallow in misery right?

Now I'm stuck in the middle. At the back of my mind, I know that after a few days everything will turn out okay. That this is the beginning of the many struggles that we will surpass as a couple (after complaining that we're still in the stupid honeymoon, infatuation stage). But the gravity of what happened has gained its toll on me leaving no room for immediate forgiveness, no matter how soon I want to get over it, no matter how soon I want this fight to end.

Hoowell. I have to go now. NEW HEADER PICTURE SOON.

Because you're just you and that's just too bad for me.

Have you ever searched for words to get you to the heart but you don't know what to say and you don't know where to start?

While writing this entry, you have to understand that what I am about to express is nothing but intense pain and sorrow due to the recent events that have transpired. And that to no avail, I still am trying to figure out - wondering, dissecting every minute detail - how they happened, why they had to and what could I have possibly done to allow them to? If I knew that it would hurt this much, then I shouldn't have taken the plunge in the first place. :(

Why did you have to kiss me in the middle of the night? Why did I have to kiss you back? Why did you have to hold me in your arms that long? Why did we have to sleep while holding each other? Why did you have to tell me that you felt the same way and that this is actually something right here? Why did you have to make me feel all those things when you knew that I was feeling too much of it, that only leading me on will prevent me from taking these things back? :( WHY?

I've tried so hard to forget about you - everything about you. It wasn't easy seeing you every once in a while and having to work with you but I really wanted to stick to my disposition. Thing is, it never really felt like I had to let go of something because I never even had you in the first place. All that casual flirting? Well how much of an evil person are you to not even consider the feelings of other people? How can I even be sure of everything that you attempted to explain to me?

I never even cared if you didn't want me back. I just never thought you'd hurt me this way. I HATE YOU and I HATE MYSELF for letting you do this to me.

It started with that simple kiss - and the assurance that everything's going to be alright. But I'm pretty much aware how you could turn such a lie into a major slap in the face. Whatever desires you have, just keep them to yourself. Whatever evil agenda you plan to pursue, maybe it's about time that you find another victim. Not me. I never even intended to go this far so stop holding me back because I really need to move on. :(

I could barely shield myself from the abruptness of your actions. It's as if you know every possible angle to attack me. And of course naive me, I let down my guard too easily. Now nothing's left of me but a broken heart and an empty promise. Yes, you never made it clear. Because I thought that the kiss was the perfect way to show it. I was so wrong.

I told you I was scared of this. I was scared of waking up one day, having to regret what happened in that stubby room, that fateful day. I was afraid of having to want to forget what happen, just because they were only meant to happen at that time and place, with no repeat performances in the future. I was apprehensive of giving in because I couldn't read your mind - I wasn't really sure of what you were thinking and how you were feeling. What you wanted to happen, what you didn't want to happen.

Was this part of the plan? And why are you not talking to me? :( Is this the end of everything?

You know very well that I don't deserve this. Now watch me do what I claim to be best at.

Walk away.

I want you but I'm not giving in this time.
'Cos I'm tired of crying, if you don't want to stick around then baby forget about me.

I drew a picture of you and me and it says I hate you.

So this is what they mean when they say getting your heart broken sucks. Wanting something that bad but doesn't want you back just sucks.

I caught myself wondering if certain events in my life were just plain easy then maybe, I wouldn't be the hopeless romantic that I am. Or perhaps, I wouldn't be the workaholic that I choose to be. Or maybe I wouldn't be the great philosopher of love that I think I am. And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't wallow so much on self-pity for having this mess-of-a-love life from the very beginning. I wouldn't be so envious about couples who'd lasted for soooo long, who'd never run out of bliss, who'd stick to their promise of forever.

And just a side note, I wouldn't be this mushy/sappy sentimental girl who pauses every time she hears a love song. :(

You and me have nothing to see, clearly. What about love? God I act as if this is such a big deal.

Oh well. That's why I am blessed with so much friends and work, so that I can put all my energy and time on them. Speaking of, the horror continues. School hasn't been this torture since I could remember. But I hope that everything pays off.

I really deserve a break.:( Don't you think?

Now I know that it's going to take a looooong time for me to be able to love and be loved back again.