Impulse-aholic.

Today, I went into astral projection and saw myself impulsively shop like there's no tomorrow. I'm truly scared at myself and my spending habits.  

I cannot even begin to describe how disappointed I am at myself. I thought I were better, that I could put my endurance to the test, show my newfound self-discipline to greater heights but I who was I kidding? The sole reason why I can't give up carbs? Why I can't really go on a diet? Why it takes me forever to do/give up some things? Why I have an obsession on adrenaline rush? Why it took me so long to write on this blog again? Why I always put myself at the odds of rejection?

Because I can't handle it. For me, a taste of what's good for a fleeting moment is always better than most of its consequences in any given day. That's where the damsel in distress in me comes. This is how I  dig my own grave. It's because I'm so much of a feeler and a sucker for my own emotions that I forget how to think. 

But forget the deeper nonsense. Let's talk financial responsibility. 

I have been telling myself, and for quite a time already, that I really really direly need to be financially wise and responsible. Gone are the days of mindlessly spending on things that I end up using temporarily. Or of doling out cash on other people (and making them charity cases when the total amount can exaggeratedly and unfortunately send someone to HS already, I know) or of not even choosing the better options when 'giving' away my hard-earned cash. I know I'm making up for lost time and a lot of lost opportunities in splurging because of my previous setup but I never planned on making this a monthly habit. I even developed a penchant for buying things I don't need or can live without but just for the sake of, and end up clicking the purchase button or whipping out cash in a flash from my wallet. 

Today, I sorely outdid myself. Before payday, I always have this routine of mapping out and mentally budgeting the things I need (to spend for). Of course the debit/credit, accounts payable and accounts receivable almost cancel themselves out (and in one case even declared AR negative) but the figures don't matter. Just as long as I have the money, I have to make that extra time for a trip to the mall and relieve myself of stress by doing retail therapy. Most of the time it's a lame invention of some kind of self-reward for a difficult and stressed out month. But just how much of a reward is it if it leaves me broke until the next payday? 

So I had a list of things I thought I needed for this month's cash in. A caramel sweatshirt from F21, a backless tee from Terranova and a bag from CMG. This is just the physical retail that I planned to cross out in a day, on top of my online purchase of 3 corporate sheer/layered/fringed/sleeved blouses (the ones I've been trying to peg my styles on lately) from this cute online store. And the list doesn't end there. I also planned on buying 5 sessions of IPL laser for underarm hair removal from Metrodeal since I was getting tired of always going to LayBare lately. 

Feeling primadonna right? Hahaha. This is not exactly what my parents have tried to ingrain in me: spend within your means. It's like, whatever I feel like is of benefit to me, I just end up getting. And paying for it. SIGH. 

So anyway. I went with a good friend with my list in mind. First stop was CMG where I was lured (or myself lured myself) into buying 2 bags! Never mind that I had stuff to buy, I wanted to get a bag for my mom (which as out of my budget) and so I got them! Just like that. I left with two big paper bags in hand. 

The culprit. Photo credits Google. 

And did I mention how bad it felt after a couple of minutes? I didn't last the entire night before going home, without feeling any sorry than I already was for my insanely impulsive self. I thought how else could I have a family without any cash to spare? Or how else could I enroll in financial investment programs? Buy stocks? Park money for insurance like my colleagues and I used to rave about? Even rotate cash on hand for my potential businesses? 

SIGH. 

It's not even shopaholism. I've always been a self-confessed prude on shopping even when I was a kid because I'd always let my parents spend shopping bags for me. But when I started working, it became harder to say no to being a materialistic brat who just has to have everything. 

I am far from knowing how to remedy the situation. But I do know that I have to begin with small steps, set a deadline or establish an achievable short-term goal. Those will be my simple measures of trying to break the habit. From there, only God knows. 

Did I mention that I still have pending purchases online? A phone bill to pay and parents to repay? 

AND end of season sales + shoe in love next weekend? 

PLEASE HELP ME. :( 

And when I do get some answers for this, maybe I would be able to solve my dilemma of always having to impulsively put myself out there to someone I really like and ruin the chances, right? 


RIGHT??? 

Overhaul.

If I had tried to apply for being a columnist, I would have easily found ways on how to not nail the job. Like turning in an article past the deadline for one, and the lack of creativity (or writing skills for that matter) to keep an interest piece actually interesting for another. 

Which is all so funny because I used to write a lot when I was little. I used to draft sample novels and short stories, dreamed that I would be the next Louisa May Alcott of my then-favorite book, The Little Women or Charles Dickens who would create an amazing set of classics as David Copperfield and Great Expectations. Those were the legends, the non-negotiables when a bookworm is to be initiated. After the long stretch of must reads, my choices then matured to contemporary ones with more depth, mystery and insight. 

ANYWAY. As I was saying, I couldn't finish writing to save my life the moment I entered tweendom. Before, my only outlet was this blog. I would bombard it with a lot of trivialities, of senseless thoughts and rants mainly because I was too alone for a time that I didn't bother keeping my life an open book to strangers. Now and then I would update it (to the dismay of the decreasing number of readers) and would leave it hanging for most of the time. 

Now, the sense of blogging in the (and for my) blog world has been redefined. From how I saw it as no more than an online journal, back in the sections of MySpace or Multiply, it has been transformed into a powerful reading tool and a means of self-expression to proliferate and enhance culture, to shape the minds of the modern readers. 

And of course, microblogging has emerged. After my breakup (yes details below), I got myself attached to my one and only BlackBerry. Thanks to easier social access, BB SOCIAL ON, Twitter and Tumblr have been both my bffs next to Facebook in any given day. Of course, I would rather type in a 140 character update of where I am, what I ate or what I did than compose a lengthy entry for everyone and anyone to ogle at and read. 

But now I do not have any excuses. I have fully resolved it in myself that I would, somehow find a way to spruce this blog up, see how the times have rolled and keep it a pretty interesting reflection of how my life has set its course. It definitely isn't the immature, juvenile and naive write ups that I used to post circa 2005 here. However, it wouldn't try to sound as preppy or as choreographed as most blogs do as if writing a column for a fashion magazine. It will be the avenue of my open mind, my adventures, my opinions and my feelings. 

So before I move further, I decided to give myself some rules of engagement. Since this will be an official upping scale of all sorts, I'm establishing a set of seemingly hard and fast rules (which can be broken most of the time depends on my mood, HAHA useless) for the entries that I put here. The content will solely be on things like: 

1. My eternal love for food. 

And no, I won't even try to sound like I'm a foodie. Everything I eat is practically considered delicious already so I don't have to go ala Giada de Laurentiis or Nigella Lawson on anyone. I don't have to dissect the taste, piece the flavors and make up some crap about how the dish is a harmony of whatnots. I know food is worth remembering when it passes one major criteria: It's so good I have to have other people try it by cooking it. So alongside my bouts for the food I try for the first time are the experiments that I make on my journey towards my long awaited stature of life: a stay at home/trophy wife who cooks wickedly delicious meals. 

KIDDING. 

I love to cook and I decided that I make it a weekly habit by cooking fancy lunches for the family. It's a good way to polish my Iron Chef skills in the making without having to attend ridiculously expensive culinary schools which won't get me any closer to earning Michelin stars anyway. (No offense hahaha) 

2. Adventures 

Though the mundane is inevitable, I think I have proven that a lot of firsts and things to be crossed off my bucket list have had the chance to happen at this time and age. This time, I have earned the right to inject some poetic license and to sensationalize these events by highlighting my feelings. Mind you, these will be the only real feelings that will be revealed in the coming months or so, as I have finally coerced myself to shut out all possibilities of unwarranted frustrations and anxiety related to the male species. And yes, that was a bit bitter and shallow. But screw you. 

So, may be it an an afterwork session of beer and Rockeoke, a hike to Sagada or a trip to Shoe In Love (yes, for the most part these are what make up my July's first week), every little adventure is worth documenting. 

There is some kind of liberation when I look back and compare all these to nonsensical entries of how I got stuck in class or the readings I did or the tests I aced and the subjects I unwillingly failed back in my years in the academe. I have so much time that I can invest on doing so many other things that I cannot deprive myself of living just because I have to beat deadlines and live up to the expectations of other people (in this case, my teammates and bosses). 

The time to live is now. I have responsibilities at work and I do them great, but I also have a responsibility to myself. To live. 

3. Projects

Basically anything that falls within ambitions, aspirations, hopes and dreams. Like my upcoming business, my new involvements and things I try to initiate that are a bit of life-changing. Whether it's aspiring to become financially responsible, whether it's a mental debate on getting a credit card, or even the most impossible dream of taking over the world at 22, then I should be able to write about it. 

HONESTLY. I don't know why I have to categorize these things or impose them as if no other subject is allowed. This is, after all, my virtual space that cannot be just left hanging or filled up with junk or creepy blog walkers who advertise or whatever. Just don't expect my blog to trend, go viral or be a part of BlogLovin'. I do not intend to make another space in Wordpress, my loyalty is with Blogspot ♥ 


Therefore, expect to be doused with these couple of things, with much better tags, labels and bookmarked sites on the side scroll. I need to keep up with the times and have a few good reads myself so I can set a benchmark for good writing. (HAHA) But most importantly, it's where I get to share with you the things that interest me the most and get the inspirations for most of the (literary) work that will be coming in. Safe to say that these are all still in the works until further notice. I still have a daytime job too you know. Heehee. 

So here's to more entries, substance or no substance alike, as I finally cheer myself to living life. Moving forward as we say. En route to happiness. (Next entry title) 

'Cause we are all hanging by a thread and it takes no time for us to think, whether to take that leap of faith or not. ♥