Impulse-aholic.

Today, I went into astral projection and saw myself impulsively shop like there's no tomorrow. I'm truly scared at myself and my spending habits.  

I cannot even begin to describe how disappointed I am at myself. I thought I were better, that I could put my endurance to the test, show my newfound self-discipline to greater heights but I who was I kidding? The sole reason why I can't give up carbs? Why I can't really go on a diet? Why it takes me forever to do/give up some things? Why I have an obsession on adrenaline rush? Why it took me so long to write on this blog again? Why I always put myself at the odds of rejection?

Because I can't handle it. For me, a taste of what's good for a fleeting moment is always better than most of its consequences in any given day. That's where the damsel in distress in me comes. This is how I  dig my own grave. It's because I'm so much of a feeler and a sucker for my own emotions that I forget how to think. 

But forget the deeper nonsense. Let's talk financial responsibility. 

I have been telling myself, and for quite a time already, that I really really direly need to be financially wise and responsible. Gone are the days of mindlessly spending on things that I end up using temporarily. Or of doling out cash on other people (and making them charity cases when the total amount can exaggeratedly and unfortunately send someone to HS already, I know) or of not even choosing the better options when 'giving' away my hard-earned cash. I know I'm making up for lost time and a lot of lost opportunities in splurging because of my previous setup but I never planned on making this a monthly habit. I even developed a penchant for buying things I don't need or can live without but just for the sake of, and end up clicking the purchase button or whipping out cash in a flash from my wallet. 

Today, I sorely outdid myself. Before payday, I always have this routine of mapping out and mentally budgeting the things I need (to spend for). Of course the debit/credit, accounts payable and accounts receivable almost cancel themselves out (and in one case even declared AR negative) but the figures don't matter. Just as long as I have the money, I have to make that extra time for a trip to the mall and relieve myself of stress by doing retail therapy. Most of the time it's a lame invention of some kind of self-reward for a difficult and stressed out month. But just how much of a reward is it if it leaves me broke until the next payday? 

So I had a list of things I thought I needed for this month's cash in. A caramel sweatshirt from F21, a backless tee from Terranova and a bag from CMG. This is just the physical retail that I planned to cross out in a day, on top of my online purchase of 3 corporate sheer/layered/fringed/sleeved blouses (the ones I've been trying to peg my styles on lately) from this cute online store. And the list doesn't end there. I also planned on buying 5 sessions of IPL laser for underarm hair removal from Metrodeal since I was getting tired of always going to LayBare lately. 

Feeling primadonna right? Hahaha. This is not exactly what my parents have tried to ingrain in me: spend within your means. It's like, whatever I feel like is of benefit to me, I just end up getting. And paying for it. SIGH. 

So anyway. I went with a good friend with my list in mind. First stop was CMG where I was lured (or myself lured myself) into buying 2 bags! Never mind that I had stuff to buy, I wanted to get a bag for my mom (which as out of my budget) and so I got them! Just like that. I left with two big paper bags in hand. 

The culprit. Photo credits Google. 

And did I mention how bad it felt after a couple of minutes? I didn't last the entire night before going home, without feeling any sorry than I already was for my insanely impulsive self. I thought how else could I have a family without any cash to spare? Or how else could I enroll in financial investment programs? Buy stocks? Park money for insurance like my colleagues and I used to rave about? Even rotate cash on hand for my potential businesses? 

SIGH. 

It's not even shopaholism. I've always been a self-confessed prude on shopping even when I was a kid because I'd always let my parents spend shopping bags for me. But when I started working, it became harder to say no to being a materialistic brat who just has to have everything. 

I am far from knowing how to remedy the situation. But I do know that I have to begin with small steps, set a deadline or establish an achievable short-term goal. Those will be my simple measures of trying to break the habit. From there, only God knows. 

Did I mention that I still have pending purchases online? A phone bill to pay and parents to repay? 

AND end of season sales + shoe in love next weekend? 

PLEASE HELP ME. :( 

And when I do get some answers for this, maybe I would be able to solve my dilemma of always having to impulsively put myself out there to someone I really like and ruin the chances, right? 


RIGHT???