This is the worst Christmas, the worst year and that's an understatement.

It's been one month since I've gone AWOL from this blog, literally not posting anything not even pictures and nonsensical one-word stuff. Mainly because I've been at the peak of my sore happiness of life the bottom half of November and the small beginnings of cheery holiday December... NOT.

$%#&*^$#&%!!!

I couldn't have had anything worse. Everything's conspiring against me that it's like trying to wake up from a recurring bad dream, actually getting up sobbing in the middle of the night.

And can I just say that the only interesting aspect despite this situation is the fact that I have never been this depressed in my whole 19 years of existence. Never have I ever exhausted this much emotion on trivial things, let alone serious matters confronting me.

So the easiest explanation for my absence is, aside from the alarming landslide of work brought about by my 5-major predicament, the inevitable passing away of my laptop. And by passing away I don't mean minor dysfunctional problems. It's the just about the whole thing - the documents and pictures and its capacity to connect to the internet - the very core of my living which have given up on me. (It has happened already twice when the old desktop got reformatted, it shouldn't be new to me by now.) And the bad thing about it is not having been able to back the other files up especially the pictures. Thank God for networking sites where I keep my stash of vanities. But still. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to recover the photos in good quality but oh well...

The worse thing about it was having to carefully deliberate within myself on whether I should allow my brother to actually delete the files and reformat the whole thing. And since I had no other choice, I just had to say yes.

There was of course, another option and that is to get a new one. Now I mentioned the unfortunate instance wherein my lolo had to be rushed to the hospital and he got confined for a month yadayada. I know realize the utmost adverse effect that it had on me - bearing the cost of my dad having to pay for almost every single cent before my lolo was able to go out. MEANING, no money, no grand gift/favor whatsoever this Christmas no matter how dire my need for a laptop is. I wouldn't want to be a spoiled brat and test the limits of our financial capacity anyway. I believe that aside from test of true patience, I keep my aura of being a good girl like that.

BUT to no avail. I'm taking classes in Photoshop and Video-editing as one of my majors at the moment and sooner or later, I have to face the inconvenience of not having my best friend gadget. As a matter of fact, I can feel all the hassle of it now. I had to literally cry my way to be able to get my brother to lend me the stupid desktop in the middle of his Dota session the other day, when I resolutely refused to go Christmas shopping with my parents because I wanted to get work done, ending up not doing anything because I had no computer and eventually ending at 2 a.m. fool proofing our stupid Opman paper.

Now every night, I have to wait for my brother to finish using the computer before I can even step in. *sigh*

Aside from that, this week is just the worst of worsts. I haven't felt the Christmas fever the whole month because I'm always locked up studying for tests which I'm sure I'm going to fail anyway or like attending to work for other people. Like imagine, on my last day I finish at 9:00 p.m. just when everybody else is celebrating Christmas parties and stuff. Annoying how the after party is a mulling-over session over how crappy the Finance test was.

There's even worse than this. Just last week, Dean Ang informed us that he would send 4 of us to Indonesia for this immersion trip in Yogyakarta for two weeks at the beginning of January. All-expense paid except air fare. And as if not to stick it up my face enough, you know what the outcome is. I mean, I wanted to have a taste of a cheap make up for JTA, na pwede na. Because the other students really had it going on in other countries because of JTA. While I was stuck bearing the consequences of my own actions, I really just had no break through and I had to take this opportunity at hand. I haven't had the chance to go out of the country my whole entire life.

I really, sorely badly wanted to go that I even had to force Flip and the other guys to skip class knowing at the back of my mind the gravity of things that I would miss because I'm taking the most units of majors this semester. I was the first to research for cheap flights and the actual possibility of having internet there. Haha. And well my parents went on and on to tell me that Yogyakarta is like Mindanao and all those shallow stuff like it's a foreign country and you know what darling, you're gonna have other chances to travel in the future anyway (I effing hate this because they have been telling me this since I was 3 years old and not a single thing related to these future possibilities have made up for those missed ones, making me still, a sore loser since birth) and getting to the bottom of it, we don't have money.

Maybe I wanted a casual break/extended vacation when I eventually end this hell-ish year this January. Sort of trying to get things right at the beginning of the year and cleansing my aura from the usual "Shit I really wanna die" everyday routine with my friend Bea. (Trust me, it just gets worse everyday.) I thought it was the perfect outlet to cure this seeming depression which has crept up on me the past months.

I mean really, the highlights of my year were being jerked off by 2 guys, bearing the cost of my dad's affair, academic stress, gaining tons of weight and being broke 10 times more than the usual - all these combined together is no laughing matter. What's really pathetic about is not having someone to talk to and actually learning the art of being anti-social: reaching the point when I stopped going out and preferring to stay indoors to make up for sleep loss.

Maybe to other people, it wouldn't really sound that bad. But the feeling of I don't know, emptiness is just there. When all the things that used to matter don't really have any bearing at all by now. Furthermore, I just can't seem to grapple with the thought that somehow and amid the effort the I have exerted to force my life into facing a less bleak future, I wish I know I didn't deserve any of this.

Because it's tiring to know that I wake up everyday to feel that same feeling of nothingness again.

I mean sure, sure. A laptop is a materialistic thing and people survive without it. Or like a trip to Indonesia can feed a thousand mouths. But sometimes, because of my habit of thinking about other people first, I tend to forget myself in the process. I never wanted any of these in the first place and I wouldn't like to make it seem like I just let this all reach down to this... because I didn't.

So this is the feeling of being depressed. Of not feeling the gay Christmas spirit, of not wanting to go out while everyone else is celebrating the festivities.

So this is the feeling when all you do is cry because you keep on expecting the worst and knowing that they are bound to happen. And worse, facing them take place all at once.

So this is the feeling of hating Christmas and at the same time being indifferent to it as if it were a holiday for chosen people. For people who just have it easy, for those who keep proving themselves while letting other people down, getting away with it and still reaping what they don't deserve.

So this is the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen and just keeping tabs on when the year is going to end, not because you want a new beginning but because you just want to look at this year as if it were a distant past, not remembering how it was, the year that was because it never was that good anyway.