Rise.

May 29, 2007. Greenbelt. Bridge near the chapel. Ring.

A more elaborate account when I come back. I have a bedtime to follow. Ahii.;p

Drama mode.

Something I whipped up on a random and super crappy day.

Emo. I loathe the word. I depsise its meaning. I believe that I can never put myself in that downright pitiful situation when you feel that you've hit rock bottom. It's when all else fails, you refuse to budge and just remain on that depressed and hardcore frozen state.

And for a fact I know that I am not emo. Although I'm pouring my thoughts on this long forgotten journal (which, by the way, is supposed to be my time capsule for the memories of my relationship with this one person) in plain RED INK, listening to really depressing songs and crying my heart out, I'm still not emo. It's just one of these days, these few moments when I landed on the floor with a loud thud and felt myself crumble into little pieces.

All because I am unhappy. Ever had the feeling when certain people enter your life and attempt to convince you that they're the one? Later to find out in the process that everything was a hoax - a big fat manipulative lie that's just going to leave you empty afterwards. Sure, they take you for a ride, but it's like asking for your soul in repayment. You retaliate, you fight hard. But since you've let your guard down and have trusted the person enough, you gladly allow yourself to be consumed.

Left to wallow, to contemplate. When will you ever find that something that's not going to keave you drowning in self-inflicted pain and bitterness? An overly deflated ego? A severely damaged system? A shattered heart? The one that's not going to give you a thousand questions - the what ifs and what could have beens, the regrets...

That certain thing that's not going to give you the eternal feeling that you're bound to suffer this miserable fate.

The one which will make you more expectant; brimming with hope and longing.

When will you ever find that? When will it find you?

Waiting, letting this pass is as easy as letting this all go.

I am worth the fight.

Summer's last stretch.

I am free of all the work that's been shoved on me by summer class - or so I thought. Thanks to MS Excel, I still have a powerpoint presentation to make so that I could pass ITM. But I'm not failing, really. I can't believe that I'm almost failing that stupid subject anyway. I just have to do the extra work so that I am a guaranteed 'passed' for that non-credited course.

So anyway. I haven't had enough sleep for the past few days and I'm a wandering sick ass maniac due to my colds and cough. I look like a zombie because of my eye maletas and my pimples are so screaming for my long delayed Derma appointment. Oh craaaaap.

Championship games are to take place soon, though I doubt that there will be any good things to look forward to. I'm not really sure if any Camella team made it to the semis except for the volleyball team. I'm going to miss the intra-village thing this Saturday because of a very important thing.

FormSem of JGSOM Reps '07-'08 - yahoo. I can't wait.:)

It's just really cool that I get to go to a leadership training on the official last week of the summer. In Batangas pa. Yaaaay. Really excited for it. Although this means that I am missing Summer Scream because of the training. The band's really messed up right now. I hope they can pull it off even if only half of the real band's going to play, and the other two, well... Good luck:) Haha;p

The thing is, everyone's going away this weekend. My darling Ria just left for the US this Monday and won't be back until the 2nd or 3 week of June. That's gonna make her a week delayed for school. Haha. Lagot. But no sweat, we'll be there to assist her and to teach her of whatever she's going to miss. Accounting blues - ahoohoo.;) Nik's going to Baguio with his Titas, Sis is leaving for Bangkok on Sunday and Cort is in Bicol right now. Ima be in Batangas for the weekend too. That leaves Bea and John. I guess they'll be stuck here in Manila then. Hahaha;p

I don't know about Engaz but I guess the whole lot's going to stay because of the championships and all. Besides, Lanz is already in Subic and she's gonna come home on Saturday pa. Whatever. We haven't had real plans of going out even if it was Pam's birthday the other day. No inuman, no outing, no bonding, no foodtrip. We're like falling apart because we all have our other stuff to mind.

I haven't even kept this blog up to date with the stuff that I do. I was really stressed because of that stupid Management Report for ITM and the Business Presentation for the same subject. I wasn't really feeling well come Monday and Tuesday (raining really hard, felt better because of the small UP adventure with Nik and Sis) and I didn't have sleep the other night to finish the crappy report. Whatever. Whatever. At least it's all over. The powerpoint presentation that I have to do is some leisure thing as it is an ad and a narcissistic movie about myself. Yahoo.;p Gonna start this one tonight.♥

I wanna watch Pirates and Shrek 3. I just wanna take a break and relax now. :)

I'm supposed to celebrate the last stretch of summer because?...

I am so tired! I'm not complaining but I really am tired!:( Well, why wouldn't I be?

I've been always going around for the past weeks, doing stuff and just doing stuff. I have had my share of couch potato-ing days this weekend and I guess that serves me just right because now, I couldn't even get 5 straight hours of sleep. I think, I may have been overdoing things and trying to handle more than what I can. So now, I have reached the condition that's in line with the 'extremities of life'.

Last week, I couldn't really remember the things that I did. I just know that I lost out of touch with this one person and I was such a busy body with games and all. I went to DLSU on Thursday because I had to meet my sis and help her with the preps for her party. Laine, Nik, John and I spent the early part of our Friday evening at this car show thing in Silver City near Tiendesitas and since Sis and I haven't really been to that place, we decided to check it out.

Saturday? Nothing naman. I just had a great time at Maann's birthday party/my variety show. I did a lot of stuff. Take note: I was one of the hosts and I performed a song and dance number. Benta? Hahaha;p I think. That's what I get for being the best friend. Although I am kinda gulity for not having prepared a suprise for my sis. I will surely make it up to her when I have the time na. Yeah right. Like that's ever gonna happen. ;p NO! I will make time for that.

So the weekend went by and then Monday came. Elections day. Yipee. Fulfilling as it is in its own little way, I was able to practice my right as a voter and an individual who has a voice in this country. I voted for the ones which I know are far better and more competitive among the others and I guess that was all I had to do to make a difference.

Wednesday was super. I know it was rather a burden to carry in my conscience to make some things up to be able to got out. But well whatever. The Core planned to go out because Nik wanted to treat us in celebration of his birthday last Monday. We ate at Friday's and we headed to Embassy for Kuya Euric's 21st Birthday Blowout. Bea, unfortunately, wasn't able to come because something came up the last minute and John and Cort left right after the dinner for some reasons. So it was Nik, Laine, Ria and I who partied hard that night, until the morning I should say.

My first experience in Embassy was really superb. Being the extrovert that I am and having the anti-emo attitude that I forcefully apply in my life, I guess you could say that parties are my kind of thing. It's not that you just go there to socialize, drink alcohol until you pass out or just do nasty stuff with people whom you barely know. Taken into moderation, going to bars (like for this instance in celebration of a friend's birthday) is indeed a way to just be in the company of friends, dancing and having fun and celebrating music in all its groovy forms - house and hiphop in this case. I loved the sounds, the drinks were just right (thankful that I didn't have that much tequila), I met new friends and enjoyed the company of my barkada. It was literally a funscapade away from the hectic-ness of my life outside the bar crammed with people dancing the night away. ;p

Of course, it wouldn't be complete without the sleepover. We went home after this sucky incident when apparently, there was this one spot in Embassy which was breeding hoes. Hell yeah there was a free live show. Laine felt it plain wrong to post the pictures that Kuya Earl so eagerly took as the abhorring scene was taking place. Think: nipples, tequila shots, licking, Fil-Am dude, two nasty hoes and a threesome. Gaaaah.

Anyway. So I am back to my stuff. I'm back to my usual hectic sched. Although I missed a meeting for Sanggu. I have to really fix things na.

...life tiring yet we should live it like hell there's no more tomorrow!;p

Next time ulit:)

No more drama.

I feel so unaccomplished, unlike most people. NOT!;p

I really don't see the point of having to wallow in misery and submerging oneself in a tank filled with emoness. It has got to stop because happiness is free and it is for everyone.

So much for that I guess.

Sizzling summer.

Random people survey from Sis:)

1. Erlaine Lumanog

2. John Laxamana

3. Ria Cruz

4. Niko Peralta

5. Mico Cortez

6. Bea Bautista

7. Kara Calansingin

8. Mabel Barcebal

9. Ria Bofill

10. Erika Peñamora

11. Ces Galasinao

12. Lanna Pahati

13. Antonnete Basanal

14. Karen Caturay

15. Rafael Borja

16. Regine Valenzuela

17. Io Tuason

18. Ian Lorezo

19. Ryushel Bautista

20. Pamela Balao

21. Jackie Caruyan

♥ Where did you 1st meet 17?
Hmmm. Speed of Sound Battle of the Bands in Kublai's Katip. - That's where it all started. Hahaha;p

♥ Do you know any of 8's secrets?
Haha. Her deepest and darkest secrets? I think so! Sis pa. She'd tell me everything.:)

♥ Did 3 ever fancy u?
Hahaha. Some lesbo action right there Ria Fae.;p

♥ Do u think 5 is good looking?
Mico? Hahaha;p He's tall and errr... Kidding! I love the new look though.;p Mohawk hair and stuff. Just lose the black painted nails darling.

♥ What would be ur reaction if 9 fought with 20?
Ria and Pam? Hmmm? I think I'd be wondering who will win because it's a battle between two really small, ehem, petite people. Hahaha;p

♥ What would be ur reaction if 11 went out with 2?
LOL. Crunch go out with John? Hindi talo. Hahaha;p

♥ Would you ever date 13?
I would love to go out with my girl Tonnete.;p

♥ What would be ur reaction if 14 made out with 15?
I think that sounds familiar? Yeah. I heard 14 dreamed about it some weeks ago. Ahihihi.;p

♥ Name at least one fact about 4,9, 10, 14 and 19.

4. Nik - is one of my kuyas in the Core, he lost weight over freshman year, he's told me one of his deepest secrets, branded me with the Big Cahuna and knows a lot of stuff about me which other people surprisingly don't know.
9. Ria - is 1/4 of the dynamic foursome (my best buds in HS), left us before Senior Year to live in Iloilo, she wasn't able to come to my debut (haha), she's a really talented dancer and I love this girl.;p
10. Erika - she's my achi, I look more Chinese than her, we've been friends for like forever, she loves dogs and she looks anorexic thin but she eats a lot.
14. Karen - we're the coffee jelly tandem, she plays volleyball really well, she eats a lot too but she never gets fat and we have a lot of common friends in other schools and in my lower batch in tipol.
19. Ryushel - is really tall, we used to call her ate long legs, is extremely pretty and has a lot of boys following her around, she's of Japanese decent and she loves to smoke. Hahaha.;p

♥ Describe 21's personality in one word.
Street smart. Darling is a talented and hardworking person who knows a lot about everything. She's a fashionista too - can be a model in the future.

♥ Do you think that 12 is funny?
Hell yeah. But she's usually the first one to laugh at a really corny joke and the last to get over it. Hahaha;p

♥ Would u ever kiss 16?
Hahaha. Of course bhi. Mwwwaaaahhhh. ;p Hihihihi.

♥ Do u think that 20 is goofy looking?
Naaah. Pam is little Ms. Corporate-looking.

♥ Ever had a pillow fight with 1?
Hmm. Have we had a pillow fight sis? I think so! It was during one of our academic sleepovers right?;p

♥ Ever slept over in 15's house?
Ahahaha. You wish.;p

♥ How old is 6?
Bea's 19 already! ;p

♥ Name one funny event u had with 18.
Hmmm. Well, I consider Ian as my closest guy bud but we haven't really talked for a long time now. Every time we'd hang out, he never fails to make me laugh with his Golem antics and imitation of some funny scenes in the movies we've seen together. I miss you Bro!;p

♥ What's the funniest thing about 13?
Hmm. Well I don't know! It's definitely fun having Tonnete around considering she just gets along well with everybody. She's naturally comic and she can certainly deliver punch lines well enough to make everybody laugh.

♥ What if 16 was ur twin sibling? What would be ur reaction?
Omg. I would be the fatter half, but still pretty. Hahaha;p Reg is like really hot!

♥ Did u ever hug 7?
Of course. I've hugged nie a million times already. See you on Saturday!:)

♥ Did 2 ever made u really furious?
Not yet and I hope that would never happen. John and I have never had a fight, not even once.;p

♥ Have u ever seen 3 naked?
Omg. A pretty horrific sight. Kidding Ria Fae.;p

Poignancy is a valid reason to have a poetic license.

I am crushed by this flower.

Have you ever had this feeling that slowly started to consume every little inch of you?

Imagine having to go through a vast sea of people; not knowing who they are or how they think, where they come from. You realize that you're alone - a mere entity, an unattached being.

I had that feeling today. I walked past each one of those faces and I tried to remember the last time when I was looking forward to walk with someone, or if I actually was with someone through that little adventure.

My mind was buzzing with thoughts, my chest was brimming with fear and anticipation, moreover determination in pulling myself together most especially in this situation. I must not be deterred. I must keep the faith.

People do make the most absurd mistakes. I have come to realize that they can commit mistakes even with their feelings toward other people. Or, at some point, it just dawns them that they never seem to find what they're looking for - insatiable desires that can never pass for contentment, a lingering craving for the unattainable.

I am guilty as charged. I never saw it coming, I didn't take a second to think about what was going to hit me. I didn't make any attempts to handle it - until now. See, while I was walking home this afternoon I realized a lot of things. The Scientist was playing in my ears, bringing back this rather familiar feeling. My eyes glared at the familiar face reflected in the glass window of the MRT and I was trying to fight back the tears.

Nobody said it was easy.

I never ever know what I want. I guess you can't solely blame me for being this emotionally unstable right? I've been a wandering maniac - a freakish hormonal workaholic manhating psychobabble who's just after the fun in Summer.

Wallowing. I hear my voice get repressed inside me. I tell myself that I don't have to shove all my emotions into something that I am not ready to commit with. Clearly, I am so not prepared to do this all over again. Or perhaps, something may be wrong with the way I handled it? Did I take the plunge thereon? Is it close to being a possibility that I may have chosen the wrong person? I don't know. I remain clueless about this matter.

I apologize. For being who I am. Fragmented, inconsistent, fragile and too fickle-minded - these are the weapons used to hammer your heart into a million pieces. I am truly sorry. ;(

Perhaps, I just want to be left alone; to savor the goodness of life and to live, love and laugh until every inch of me burns out. I just want to be free, free of all the pain, insecurities and the hurt that a non-existent semi-pseudo relationship is giving me. I do not want to be restricted. True, it is an overwhelming feeling to have someone by your side, to protect you and you heart, to love you selflessly. But, this is all there is to me now. I have nothing to give. Here are these words which cannot even begin to explain how I truly feel. They are gibberish, yet I choose to find solace in them.

Call me selfish because of this. However, I cannot bring myself to live in a memory where I was coerced to feel something for a person when in reality, it is the contrary. I cannot stand the thought of having to hurt other people just because I cannot give them the treatment that is due to them. I don't have what you want and neither do you in my case.

I guess this is where it all ends for now. I hope that I will find a way to get us through this.

I can never be a computer junkie.

Okay. Let's face it. I can only juggle about 4 activities maximum everyday. Other than that, I have every means to explode and burst my supposedly tranquil bubble of a happy life.

Good thing Sis cancelled plans for tomorrow. Weee. I now have the license to watch Spiderman. And can I just say that I have been watching movies nonstop this weekend? I was a major couch potato last night (Saturday night) because I went home after our winning game by default against the strongest team in our bracket. I grabbed my book and this DVD collection of Raffy and I was head on a couch potato. It felt kinda good that I was able to spend quality time with myself and finally making a successful attempt to fullblast relaxation. For me, it's always been work and things to mind. I'm not complaining. I guess the words couch potato-ing and bumming around aren't exactly my ideas for relaxation unlike for most people.

In line with that, I guess everything is just going as it should be. There are minor glitches but nonetheless, I'm still constantly thriving to keep everything on track regardless of the errors.

Yes. Fulfillment at its finest, I should say.

Contemplating.

Segway - I really find this sad and disturbing.

Tonight I Can Write - Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.