Once again...

with a coffee in hand and a stack of work to keep my spirits up.

I begin another day without you.

I don't know.

...why I miss you and your sabaw pangungulit even if it went on for such a short period of time. I don't know why, despite knowing all the evils you could've possibly done (and do) in your lifetime, I still find myself wondering what will happen tomorrow, in the next week, in the next month...

Will we ever bring back what we began?

Will there ever come a time when I will look back and laugh at myself for making such a big deal out of this?

Will I ever find the sanity to cast these feelings to somewhere noone can ever find?

Will I be able to get over the fact that for now, we can be no more than what we are unless fate plunges its hands and decides to draw me to the nearest path next to yours?

Will I be able to dismiss my penchant for overanalyzing the situation and calm myself down by distracting myself with other things?

So, the day when I no longer think about you and look back at that moment of 'possibilities', is it coming anytime soon?

Why did I have to even start dreaming about you?

Why did I even bring myself to like you this much in the first place when I don't even know who you really are?

BORED - and an excuse to delay POS papers.

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Social Nerd You're interested in things such as politics, psychology, child care, and peace. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a hippie, but some of you may be tree-huggers. You're the type of people who are interested in bettering the world. You're possible the least nerdy of them all; unless you participate in other activies that paled your nerdiness compared to your involvement in social activities. Whatever the case, we could still use more of you around. ^_^
Musician
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Literature Nerd
Anime Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Drama Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

The things I do when I can't think of anything to write in papers.
PANIC + mental block = a glass of milk tea.
Ciao. <3

Today, I let go of the lethargic.

Just so it's final. I would very much want this to be the end of the 2-week long wallowing. :)

This past week was sooo chaotic that I loved every freaking minute of it. INDULGE in fun and work is THE key to escape from that bad jerk hang over. WOAHOAH.

Just a couple of things which made it to my HAPPY and CHILL list:

1. After splurging on a shopping spree in Tiendesitas last weekend, I was so excited to use my clothes and this week happened to be the perfect chance to wear them for err, you know. The usual excuse to prep up the aura and get rid of any bad vibes. HAHAHA. I particularly loved my Friday outfit, the gray cotton vest layered with a white tank, skinny jeans and my white sandals. YOWN. Fresh look Fridays ba? YIPEE. Wala lang. So random yet so liberating. Eh bakit ba?! Hahaha.

So faaab. :)

2. I got to KICK A TRASH BIN. I've been wanting to do this for ages. I know it's a bit psychotic but don't you just find it thrilling to actually allow yourself to feel the high of physically assaulting something? I wanted that something to be someone, but since I have to keep a clean slate and I can't have charges pressed against me, I resorted to lashing out on a trash bin - since it closely resembles every inch of him anyway. WOOT!

3. WORK AND FUN Fridays - as always. I was fortunate enough to attend the first bit of the Intergenerational Ayala Leaders Conference in the morning. The most fun part was spending it with my good friend Mita (who was with her UP-M friends) in the Politics and National Elections parallel session 1 where we got to listen to two interesting speakers from the Office of the Ombudsman (the pioneer himself) and a COMELEC Commissioner. YOWN EH. :p Couldn't stay though since I had to do my theo report in the afternoon.

Born leaders. Heehee. :D

Pulled off my most awaited report in Theo 131 (really worked hard for it the previous night) and treated myself to afternoon delights after. Though we didn't get the grade we wanted, I think we fared enough to deserve what Sir Asis gave us. CoSA PR GA wasn't what you call a flop/success 'cause it was somewhere in between. There was more food than the number of attendees. HAHA. Fun though because it was more intimate and less flashy, plus I know we're kicking it hard: the COSA PR team is now open to serve you! :)

CoSA Public Relations - more than advertising.

Crashed SOSE Launch to visit our Sanggu family late that evening. Free food, planners (c/o Levi's) and of course, Urbandub! I'm not really a fan of the band but since I happen to see them in almost every school event, oh what the heck! I can totally relate to their bitter love songs! :p

SOSEnima: Behind the Scenes with my hot friends.

4. POWERDANCE. Okay SINCERE thanks and acknowledgements to Tep for this, the reason behind our first (and hopefully not the last) Saturday dance class. She was invited to try out and knowing that I had wanted to dance again for so long, she asked me to check it out with her. LO AND BEHOLD - I discovered that I can't dance for shit anymore. My dance moves in both jazz and hiphop were reduced to no more than gyrating/drunken sways from club dancing and those dancing-in-the-shower moments. What's also worse was that I walked out of the studio with a badly bruised ego because of that gay dance instructor, always insisting that I did the wrong thing and making me repeat floor exercises whenever he'd catch me cheating my kick-ball change and front leg stretches.

Dance with me.

Ugh. And hiphop sucked ass. I'm currently obsessing with the song that we were studying so that I can practice the steps and hopefully revive any piece of confidence in me by executing them right. RAWR. Now the dilemma here is whether I should continue with the lessons or not, seeing that it's pretty hard to catch up and be a beginner in every lesson. Tep and I have really hectic scheds and we know for a fact that we can't just subscribe to this as a weekly thing. HOWELL. Let's decide on that next time.

I feel sorry for myself for wanting to correctly perform the exercises so badly that I can barely feel my arms and legs right now. My muscles are aching that I walk like an old lady while climbing up and down a flight of stairs. BOO. :(

5. Got to party again last night and SLEEP the whole day after. ;p Was *coerced* (may I just emphasize that) by Laine to go with her to her brother's new gig in Club Bureau, Antel Lifestyle A-venue. It was almost like a private party because apparently, not a lot of people knew of the place just yet. So we ended up being the early-partiers even if we came at like past 11 (after bingeing in delish Burger Avenue - SEXY BURGERS ROCK.). Steady drinks and sounds plus, we got to chitchat and goof around due to the extra space where we could actually move around.

This is a private partaaay.

Wuhoo. Batangas next week since it's a long weekend. Nothing else to keep up the joooy. I do have lots of stuff to work on now. More papers, midterm exams and readings galore.

Our second pass for Marketing is this Saturday and I hope nothing unexpected happens in those all-nighters again. Harhar. It's not even funny anymore. ;p

And so at the end of the day, what happens now? I know I've been such a girl these past two weeks because I can't seem to get it off my mind. Coming up to friends wanting to get empathizers and talking about him even more of course didn't do the trick (see, I'm just being a girl) so I resolutely and firmly dismiss everything that's occured the past month.

I know it's kind of sayang. And here I am again left to wonder what I could've possibly done for the sudden twist of events (or cessation in particular) to happen, the what-ifs, what could have beens and shit - just like the last time. But I know for whatever it's worth, (most especially since this is strike two already) I can't always wallow and act like the victim. If there's anything I've learned from the last time, it's that I can and will get over this if I allow some time for myself to recuperate. The best part will always be the feeling that I'm gonna get when everything' over - because there will always be better days ahead.

Here's a comic strip of what happened in a nutshell. (Got this from Katie who didn't want to post it in her blog. Hahaha. I love you.)

Haha. Just click to read. :)

Better than the last time.
Better than this.
Better than what was supposed to happen anyway. <3>

A day at home can do you wonders.

Today I decided to stay at home and rest due to unavoidable circumstances. AH LUL. Haha. Well whatever. It wasn't that hard to duck and rid myself off the stress because my schedule was highly (and surprisingly) cooperative. The timing was just perfect - literally and figuratively.

What can I say, it really does wonders for the heart. Not for the brain though, 'cause I've been stuck doing school work the whole freaking day. Think: Marketing and THEO. MYGAD. Such hassle.

The best part of it was that I got to sleep, work, eat and have my healthy dose of alone time - perfect for regrouping. COS I NEED IT BADLAAAY. ;p

So I will no longer delay myself, I got to get this done before I fall asleep again. Tomorrow is a brand new day for me.

Take a look at how Teptep edited our pictures from last Saturday. It made us look all glammed up 80's because she didn't want her album to look like everyone else's. Sorrrryyy na artist. Haha. Love you babe.

So purrfeeect. So guhreat. <3

Bend and break.

You know the feeling when everything just crashes and the littlest things get you upset in just a snap?

Well it happened to me today. Everything just felt so wrong - I lost the drive to correct my wrongdoings, to work and meet my expectations halfway, to make meets end even. I know it's rather tedious for other people to keep up with the drama but trust me, if you go through this (and I place my best bets on it that you will - esp. if you're a girl in her teens and tweens), you'll know what I'm talking about.

It's the kind of feeling that spurs out of nowhere and then suddenly it's just there brimming inside you waiting for its release. And then you try to examine yourself in attempt to identify the possible root of this hysteria, only to find out that there is no cause - NADA, NOTHING, ZERO.

The lack of company? Maybe. Stress from work? Maybe. Expectations from... almost anyone and anything? Could be. The routine? Perhaps. Life in general? WOAH.

I can't even make a checklist anymore because I know that I can attribute this to more than one factor. Maybe they just piled up and were squeezed to a half inch of my temper that I just snapped and succumbed to waterworks and actually managing to utter phrases such as, "I'm never gonna be good enough," and "I don't know why I can't keep myself happy, what keeps me happy anymore," in between sobs and hiccups.

Yeah. I was in Dela Costa Garden with two of my good friends trying to assess the matter of this so-called happiness. And I don't know how I'm going to take this - after finding out that this one person took her two years to get over such madness - as a challenge or as a burden. Or whatnot. I'm not sure if it was comforting to know that I have three months to spare myself any bit of sanity and get the good go.

Gee, thanks. Haha.

Well you know what they say, there can never be perpetual bliss and happiness in life if you don't choose to call them. Now don't get me wrong, I am happy. Generally. But the hormonal imbalance, the stress and the loneliness can sometimes well up and actually result to a spillover. But other than that, I know that at the end of the day after all these rants and rambles, I'm the only person who can cheer myself up. It never does fail. <3

It's just one of these times when I come hard-end faced with the realities of life (other than my oh-so boring Philo class) in this metaphysical unease: the knowing that we do not know.

Because in truth, all of us are looking for
that something. We don't know what it is.
We just know that we haven't found it yet.

CIAO. <3

Pardon me for being such a girl.

Since I have abandoned this temporarily due to the hype of this week's events, I think this entry deserves some serious explanation. HAHAHA.

This morning I woke up with one of my worst hang overs - the sheets felt so mushy, so did my body (sordidly mushy), the ceiling was spinning like vanilla skies and my head was aching like crazy. SO WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?:|

It started when things took a turn - when I decided to engage myself in a super cheeeeesy conversation with this guy well let's call him BOY PIPI.

Now Boy Pipi here is this random classmate whose existence (promise, cross my heart, hope to die) I didn't have any idea of until one random Marketing sleepover night when we started YM-ing - and then I found out that he's this super hot former commercial model who always tops the most sought after guy list in my batch thereafter. To cut the story short, we've been sort of like cyber friends whose friendship is limited to ym, text and phone conversations within a span of almost 3 weeks. HAHAHA. SOOO HIGH SCHOOL.

The only shred of personal interaction we've actually had so far was this one time in class when I asked him for a sheet of yellow pad. I won't even bother to tell the story as it might bore you. But anyway, things have gone deeper and far enough to be stupidly stuck in this ilang stage. Or so I think.

Fast forward. A quick roll call in special events this week.

Ph101 Mayhem

Because I am vulnerable to uuhhh almost anything, I agreed to a 2-hour long phone conversation with Boy Pipi for no apparent reason whatsoever. Worse, I had to skip my Philo paper which I had to submit the next Tuesday, making me feel uber regretful and uber crappy and uber mediocre and uber I don't know. I don't have any idea how to make amends for that inexcusable act. GAAAAAH.

Umagang Kay Ganda

This was a totally random experience with my dad. He just found out the day before that he was to appear on TV in an interview segment in this morning show. HAHAHA. So of course I wanted to go with him to the shoot since I didn't have morning classes anyway. It was tolly cool - the lights, the cameras, the action and of course me, the photographer and the coffee person. HAHAHA. WOAH. Sorry na dad.

IgNight Canceled = Ignited Friendship Much? ;p

Okay. What a subtitle. Hahaha. Due to the insistent perturbness of the weather, the IgNight core team was forced to cancel the night show and move it to another date - and I heard it's gonna be in December. Woooow. So faaar away huh. But anyway, we (Sanggu and the rest of the eager LS people) were forced to relocate ourselves like refugees after the St.Ignatius mass in Gesu to get a hold of the free food (oo, refugees nga) from VP Cuyegkeng. YEAHMEN. Bix was with me so she got to hang out with the rest of the Sanggu people. Of course, it would be sorely boring that way so the night took a turn, with the twists making the night more surprising than it was intended to be. Tep and Flip fought and Bix and Se needed to get home so I, being the legendary fifth wheeler had nowhere else to go. Guess where I landed?

Harhar. In a rather familiar bedroom, eating chocolates, ranting about boys, watching a chick flick and talking about the randomest stuff. *Tooot's* house! :) Yown eh. So of course I guess that's where it all got settled. HOPEFULLY.

ANYWAY, pictures are all uploaded in my multiply. I'm too tamad to give updates. HAHA.