Hello, goodbye.

Since I am doing this entry on the grand steps of our school library, with the addition of the dingy SOSS building construction site, I better make this quick.

Or not. I've been gone for like 2 weeks now without posting anything substantial to this blog. Not that I didn't want to. But it's just that same old lingering feeling of having to close the tab whenever I feel that I don't have anything good to write about.

And now I have. :) Or at least, I was able to condition myself to come up with one. So let me see. What exactly have I been up to for the past weeks?

Talk about nonchalantly disregarding everything. So far it's all been such a hype - parang wala nang bukas, literally. It was feeling of all sorts: excitement, heartbreak, depression, STRESS, carelessness, sleeplessness, ANGST-y, shitty, hectic, frantic, happy, heartless, ruthless, indifferent, anticipation and other concocted feelings that were brewing deep inside me - nearly got me food poisoned or whatever you may wanna call it.

HOLYSHOOOOOS. It's been one stressful summer. I wasn't even in the mood to savor our victory as champions over the last two weeks. And because I was a tad bit depressed about, errr certain unnecessary things, I was able to come up with plans that fortunately worked into temporarily helping me forget. Forget.

*next time perhaps.

Anticipating.

2nd STAT LT + binging day + spaghetti and chocolate cake + work + friends = LALALALOVE. <3

And then suddenly everything became brighter and more promising amidst the early rainy season. It feels like July but I feel such an upsurge of happiness - summer is definitely back. ALL SMILES. :) I love my friends for making me feel that I am so worth more than they way he treated me.

So keep it coming! We have the rest of the year to enjoy ourselves. Now we move on and close this chapter and eventually get this as a lesson learned.

Toodles! <3

This one's for you mom.

Happy Mother's Day mom. :)

It's that time in May when things just take a turn and hopefully become interesting underneath a pile of crap.

I'm already 19. As much as I would pretend to be independently capable of conquering my teenage angst for life, I know that I wouldn't come such a long way if it weren't for my family, for my parents. No matter how much events in the past attempted to screw things up, what's important is that we remained stronger and better in the end. I feel so blessed for having such a wonderful family, all with its small yet perfect imperfections, because they truly make me who I am.

And of course. I wouldn't be the lady who I am today if it weren't for my mom. Despite loathing her ability to catch me off guard when telling my most unscrupulous lie, I love the way she has molded me into who I am today.

Here are a few things why our relationship is as solid as a diamond, as clear as a crystal and as precious as a gem. (HAHA)

*We love to go shopping together, even if it means rendering my fatherdearest broke. (Then again, which mother-daughter tandem doesn't?)
*My love for politics and debate erupted from this woman. - Simply a woman of principle and critique, she never fails to be up to date with the latest Congress hearing and all that mud in the world of dirty politics. She always reminds being apathetic about our country's situation is as grave as participating in a money laundering act and under the table corruption.
*We love to experiment with food and cooking. - That's why she sometimes lets me do the cooking on special occasions like Christmas, New Year's eve and small family gatherings. We leaf through cookbooks, watch cooking shows in exotic channels and try out different restaurants to get tips! (Thank you dad for religiously making fun of my carbonara. HAHAHA.)
*She has an amazing radar which rightfully detects all my booboos. - Need I say more?
*She's the only person who can talk as much as I can. - I learned from the best. :)
*We loooove traveling even if my dad hates it. That's why we always conspire to ambush him and force him to make plans.
*She's the only person who can convince my dad to buy me things. - LOVE IT. :p
*She has a really cool collection of books, especially the classics of Charles Dickens and looots of other condensation novels. - Of course, this is automatically passed down to me. *GRIN*
*She just doesn't understand my sense of fashion.
*She HATES that I'm FAT.
*She introduced my to reel classics - Casablanca, Wizard of Oz and James Dean films; the amazing Manhattan Transfer singing group, Sting and Lisa Stansfield; the amazing healing powers of jazz and the immortal influence of CNN, BBC and Cspan. :))
*She's so paranoid but has now learned to let loose. I can stay out as long as I want, not that I have to because I usually don't.
*She admonishes my uncontrollable spending habits.
*She lets me shell out cash on salon appointments. :))

And a hell lot more. For now, I must sleep. Big day tomorrow. :)

COUNTDOWN.

Stage 1: DENIAL

And you know honey this is not all about you.

I'm suddenly having these nightmare-filled, tossing and turning periods of slumber. You seriously need to leave me alone.

Nik: It's not that you don't have the right to feel the way you feel. It's just that there wasn't anything substantial to begin with. You have to understand that there is such a thing as a fling which doesn't involve emotional attachment. Maybe you felt something that was more than what he felt for you. You're so naive kasi eh.

Da: *sigh* Why are guys like that? It's so evil.

Nik: Because some guys just are. Ano you get it na?

Da: It's not like I have any other choice.

Operation rehab.

Christmas colors in summer. Haha.

I have had Maria Mena's Fragile on shuffle for like 20 minutes now.

Everything's just darn crazy right now. And can I say craaahaaayyyzzzyyy? In lieu of trying to organize as much crap as possible, I'd spill random things in my usual list. Here goes:

a. We got in the championship! Twice to beat advantage became a 5-set semis round and now we have to garner 2 wins in the best of 3 games in this championship round and we're good to go. GO GREEN DRAGONS FIGHT! Hahaha. ;p I loooove my teammates. :)

b. I soooo miss my cameraaa! I wish my dad gets it fixed already! I haven't updated my multiply for sooo long even if I've been to a looot of places and I've done a hell lot of things. It's just unusual to leave my albums wreaking off last month's Bora outing. Haha. Oh well. Perhaps when I have the time, I'll steal those photos away and indulge in a posting/updating spree.

c. Sem planning overnights? DONE WITH THAT. The events have been traumatizing so far. It's like, oh goodness. I can't imagine how things got way out of hand. Had I known that we would be this carried away, I would've tried my best to keep my nose out of trouble. Hence, I wouldn't be this depressed.

d. Speaking of depression, it is now time to spluuurrrgggeeee! I mean, I didn't have to have any excuse to get involved with these things but I guess it's double the perks. I get to enjoy things and wash the sadness away. (Not! I've realized that jerks shouldn't be given that much attention to in this world. Gaaah. YOU GUYS JUST TOLLY HIT IT. How dare you.)
Splurging includes:
* Ravaging my Ninong's recently sent chocolates from Ireland. WOOT WOOT.
* Reading new books. (And no more of the self-help and men and women shitload please. Haha)
* Girls Night Out! This weekend pleeeaaaseee! :)
* The beach one more time! I'm just waiting for my d4 friends to arrive from Bacolod and then we are so gonna hit it!
* WORK. What else? Haha.
* SHOPPING. PLEASE. ONE MORE.;p

And what else? Hogod. I don't know where to begin. I just know that at this point, I need to push myself a bit further. There's no point in turning back. Nothing's ever going to happen if I wallow on the past. Right?

Besides, whoever said that a pretty, smart, hardworking and multi-faceted girl like me deserves a jerk like him? :))

Right. <3

Because you're just you and that's just too bad for me.

Have you ever searched for words to get you to the heart but you don't know what to say and you don't know where to start?

While writing this entry, you have to understand that what I am about to express is nothing but intense pain and sorrow due to the recent events that have transpired. And that to no avail, I still am trying to figure out - wondering, dissecting every minute detail - how they happened, why they had to and what could I have possibly done to allow them to? If I knew that it would hurt this much, then I shouldn't have taken the plunge in the first place. :(

Why did you have to kiss me in the middle of the night? Why did I have to kiss you back? Why did you have to hold me in your arms that long? Why did we have to sleep while holding each other? Why did you have to tell me that you felt the same way and that this is actually something right here? Why did you have to make me feel all those things when you knew that I was feeling too much of it, that only leading me on will prevent me from taking these things back? :( WHY?

I've tried so hard to forget about you - everything about you. It wasn't easy seeing you every once in a while and having to work with you but I really wanted to stick to my disposition. Thing is, it never really felt like I had to let go of something because I never even had you in the first place. All that casual flirting? Well how much of an evil person are you to not even consider the feelings of other people? How can I even be sure of everything that you attempted to explain to me?

I never even cared if you didn't want me back. I just never thought you'd hurt me this way. I HATE YOU and I HATE MYSELF for letting you do this to me.

It started with that simple kiss - and the assurance that everything's going to be alright. But I'm pretty much aware how you could turn such a lie into a major slap in the face. Whatever desires you have, just keep them to yourself. Whatever evil agenda you plan to pursue, maybe it's about time that you find another victim. Not me. I never even intended to go this far so stop holding me back because I really need to move on. :(

I could barely shield myself from the abruptness of your actions. It's as if you know every possible angle to attack me. And of course naive me, I let down my guard too easily. Now nothing's left of me but a broken heart and an empty promise. Yes, you never made it clear. Because I thought that the kiss was the perfect way to show it. I was so wrong.

I told you I was scared of this. I was scared of waking up one day, having to regret what happened in that stubby room, that fateful day. I was afraid of having to want to forget what happen, just because they were only meant to happen at that time and place, with no repeat performances in the future. I was apprehensive of giving in because I couldn't read your mind - I wasn't really sure of what you were thinking and how you were feeling. What you wanted to happen, what you didn't want to happen.

Was this part of the plan? And why are you not talking to me? :( Is this the end of everything?

You know very well that I don't deserve this. Now watch me do what I claim to be best at.

Walk away.

I want you but I'm not giving in this time.
'Cos I'm tired of crying, if you don't want to stick around then baby forget about me.

Of the many things that've happened...

There are just two things that I want to say.

To you. Ang labo talaga natin. It's quite ironic how things have become more simple after that fateful night. I nearly thought that it was the all-end and be-end of everything - just because you said "Now, we'll never know. And thankfully, nothing happened kung hindi magiging sabog lang ang lahat."

After that conversation, I was half-expecting that you'd take those words back. I was praying that you'd realize after everything that's happened, it'll be all worth it in the end. But hey, I was in no position to do that. I never knew how you felt, or if your actions rightfully expressed how you felt. Maybe at some point, it was just for fun, just for kicks, just for the thrill. However, you knew for sure what you were dealing with. Because you knew how I felt from the very beginning.

So I was hurt that you never even considered my feelings.

But that's done.

I'm happy that we're closer than before. I'm not really sure how it happened. But somehow, after all the anger and frustrations, it's like nothing happened. We're still what we were, only more cautious and less provocative (oh not really. asa pa. :D). But I'm happy. I'm happy that I get to spend more time with you and that I get to talk to you like nothing else matters in this world. Maybe this is headed somewhere we mentioned that we're not supposed to go? Hahaha. Okay stop.

To me. Please stay strong whatever happens. It's all you against the world now. I'll continue this next time. Sleepy.