And just like fireworks in the sky, I see how this light is going to bring me back to life. :)
It's officially goodbye, SUMMER '08. You sucked, but I still had fun all the same. <3
It's officially goodbye, SUMMER '08. You sucked, but I still had fun all the same. <3
And as I bid adieu to this painful crest of memories, I still am stuck in disbelief that I've managed to come this far. Even I wasn't expecting that I'd be able to hang on to dear life due to this sequence of drama and laughter in the duration of this excessively thrilling summer break (okay, off with the break. I barely felt it).
Just a few essentials on my list. (The usual. Since I don't have time to kill like everyone else, I really don't have time to blog about random things anyway. HAHAHA. Laaaame. Grabe. I promise to update this more often SOON!)
1. I can't help but think that everything this summer was temporary. Talk about a fling, a probe grade and work that lasted for only less than 3 months. It's like everything was running on a tight schedule, ticking by the hour and just plain short-lived. The more I wanted to immerse myself in these 3 different aspects of my life - a.k.a. commitment (hell again), my permanent course and my work term for the rest of the school year, the more they seemed to have slipped away and drifted into distant oblivion. Perhaps, this is what they call the "some things are just way beyond our control" phase in one's life. That at some point they give as a 'taste test' of the ostensibly good things just to get us stoked and then in a snap they vanish, making us realize that we'd be better off without them - for now. Because we can't forever be alone and single, or jobless or not feeling burnt out. We need the break. I need the break. So unless this rationalizing is helping me get somewhere and upping the rest of my defense mechanisms, then I'm doing quite well on the recovery thing.
2. Speaking of recovery. Let me now put a more formidable definition of depression in my own vocabulary. Depression is a phase that one has to inevitably undergo due to external factors and deal with at any cost, for piece of mind and order in life. I never knew the word depression despite the number of times we tackled it in my Psychology 101 class, or how often I heard of it from my friends and the friends of my friends who have 'experienced' it. Because really, how come other people don't come across it? How come only a few unfortunately have to battle with it? Well, of course we'll never know.
Depression is something that gets to you in times when talking to friends or partying just don't seem enough - when the hype of everything else that lets you be the extreme escapist from your world of problems can't keep you running out of the shutdown. It's the feeling of wanting to be alone, of hearing your mind think out loud and regretting everything that you've done in the recent airing of your soap life. It's the feeling of wanting to undo things and possibly trying to control the rest of those crappy anti-climatic moments, half-wishing that if you only had that power then everything would be alright.
And well you know, it eats you for the longest time. It isn't just a one-time big-time thing that in a moment you can switch back to your genuine happy cheer face. You may feel relief and happiness at some line in between, but at the back of your mind you are unable to dismiss the thought of being beaten and broken deep down inside. Just like me.
I don't know where it went wrong but it's like everything just had to. The things I'm banking on for a promising future just fell on a lapse that led them crumbling and slowly falling apart. Before I knew it, I got my hands full trying to save every tiny piece. I had huge hopes. But I, however, wasn't a 100% successful. Soon, I had to bring everyone down. :(
3. Moving on. I did what I could possibly do to keep me fixated on relaxation on this break-less summer break. I went out to see old friends, savored the trust and freedom from my parents, gulped the fresh air that the last day of summer came offering to me, partied, coffee-d, shopped, revamped and gave everyone a huge bang.
4. Gloss check. How I'm currently feeling? After the rush I got this afternoon, my brain was congested with bright ideas within a few seconds. I know that even if it means living my life the hard way, I have no choice but to take this upon me and try by best to turn things around.
My friends are the only thing that's keeping me going all this while. I have love and happiness all around but I have to wait before I totally embrace the entirety of each.
So now, let me welcome June with open arms, new stuff, a clean room and a worked-hard-for event.
Cheeeeriooos! <3
Just a few essentials on my list. (The usual. Since I don't have time to kill like everyone else, I really don't have time to blog about random things anyway. HAHAHA. Laaaame. Grabe. I promise to update this more often SOON!)
1. I can't help but think that everything this summer was temporary. Talk about a fling, a probe grade and work that lasted for only less than 3 months. It's like everything was running on a tight schedule, ticking by the hour and just plain short-lived. The more I wanted to immerse myself in these 3 different aspects of my life - a.k.a. commitment (hell again), my permanent course and my work term for the rest of the school year, the more they seemed to have slipped away and drifted into distant oblivion. Perhaps, this is what they call the "some things are just way beyond our control" phase in one's life. That at some point they give as a 'taste test' of the ostensibly good things just to get us stoked and then in a snap they vanish, making us realize that we'd be better off without them - for now. Because we can't forever be alone and single, or jobless or not feeling burnt out. We need the break. I need the break. So unless this rationalizing is helping me get somewhere and upping the rest of my defense mechanisms, then I'm doing quite well on the recovery thing.
2. Speaking of recovery. Let me now put a more formidable definition of depression in my own vocabulary. Depression is a phase that one has to inevitably undergo due to external factors and deal with at any cost, for piece of mind and order in life. I never knew the word depression despite the number of times we tackled it in my Psychology 101 class, or how often I heard of it from my friends and the friends of my friends who have 'experienced' it. Because really, how come other people don't come across it? How come only a few unfortunately have to battle with it? Well, of course we'll never know.
Depression is something that gets to you in times when talking to friends or partying just don't seem enough - when the hype of everything else that lets you be the extreme escapist from your world of problems can't keep you running out of the shutdown. It's the feeling of wanting to be alone, of hearing your mind think out loud and regretting everything that you've done in the recent airing of your soap life. It's the feeling of wanting to undo things and possibly trying to control the rest of those crappy anti-climatic moments, half-wishing that if you only had that power then everything would be alright.
And well you know, it eats you for the longest time. It isn't just a one-time big-time thing that in a moment you can switch back to your genuine happy cheer face. You may feel relief and happiness at some line in between, but at the back of your mind you are unable to dismiss the thought of being beaten and broken deep down inside. Just like me.
I don't know where it went wrong but it's like everything just had to. The things I'm banking on for a promising future just fell on a lapse that led them crumbling and slowly falling apart. Before I knew it, I got my hands full trying to save every tiny piece. I had huge hopes. But I, however, wasn't a 100% successful. Soon, I had to bring everyone down. :(
3. Moving on. I did what I could possibly do to keep me fixated on relaxation on this break-less summer break. I went out to see old friends, savored the trust and freedom from my parents, gulped the fresh air that the last day of summer came offering to me, partied, coffee-d, shopped, revamped and gave everyone a huge bang.
4. Gloss check. How I'm currently feeling? After the rush I got this afternoon, my brain was congested with bright ideas within a few seconds. I know that even if it means living my life the hard way, I have no choice but to take this upon me and try by best to turn things around.
All I need is backup.
My friends are the only thing that's keeping me going all this while. I have love and happiness all around but I have to wait before I totally embrace the entirety of each.
So now, let me welcome June with open arms, new stuff, a clean room and a worked-hard-for event.
Cheeeeriooos! <3
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