I'm really on the mood to contemplate on things right now. Well, as you can see, I'm having a downright crisis on how to live my freakin' life. Yeah well, sometimes I may have a 'perfect hit' in life but then you just can't stop feeling spastic and devastated once it gets really crappy.
Yeah, you can never feel too much stress and too much emotion or else you'll explode. More often than not, I'm that. Or I just find it easy to breakdown and find walls closing in on me. I just come to think that I've no more option but to accept some things or that I just have to let them stay that way. Because it's much easier to accept than try to change what's bound to remain its being forever?!
When have I been that type of person? I don't know. I don't usually give up on things. Battling for what's right and what should be has been my thing since time immemorial. But then again, who says I can't give up?=c I don't know. It's only now that I feel my life's less perky, full of shit, worthless, blahblahblah. Whatever. I'm always depressed these days. Sabi nga nila Niko, emo daw ako. Which is so true. But, I can't solely blame myself. There's family, love... I miss my friends, you know, the real people whom I can crash and burn with. Not that I don't have any true friends at school. It's just that, they don't know me that well to empathize on how I feel. Most of the time, I'm just wearing this facade; making people believe that I'm happy, busy and giddy. But deep inside, I'm really not. Maybe that's why I'm working real hard on making my relationship with hon work. It's only him that I get to talk with all this time. I rant when I want to, I can just share whatever woes that I have with him; no limits, no reservations.
So in turn, when it's him that becomes my problem, I have a really hard time dealing with it. As in. Against all odds and ends, I'm ready to go suicidal. But that's not it. I mean, we have to at least accept the fact that at this point in our relationship, doing stuff illegally should be accepted, even the most stupid fault should be forgiven and the tinsiest flaw should be understood. Having fights is almost natural as it is inevitable. However, there's also a downfall to an overly repeated frequency in doing those things. Trust can be broken and emotional damage can be done; which I guess, for the most part is happening to me now.
I wouldn't write specifically what happened because I myself am taken aback. Retelling what happened gives it more authority to be admitted and I wouldn't want to do that.
I just hope that even if I didn't throw the ring, this day was worth it. The fun that we had in MoA and all that.
I also wouldn't want to beg for his love and for his conscience to mind me. After all, if he says he won't do it again, I should bank on that. Maybe it would be enough.
If at the event that I overuse my naive sense and I give up... as in drawing my last breath, I think it would be at God's will and command. And I know, that if it's bound to happen, then I'd be able to overcome the excruciating pain and eventually, move on.
But for now, I'd have to remain strong. Because for as much as possible, I'd want him to be with me forever; whatever crisis I may have, whatever shit happens in my life.
No one can say how long we'd endure the test of love...
no one, except him and me. ♥♥♥
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