FRIENDStuur.

I fell asleep so early last night when I woke up in the middle of the night. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. Yahoo. My body clock is so freakin' messed up. But I guess it's really okay because then I wouldn't be able to surf the net in the wee hours of the morning doing nothing but stalking people and randomly opening up pages in friendster. Haha. I know right.

And the funny thing is, I was really feeling bad and iffy for the past few days (uh, refer to last post) that I couldn't rid my mind of the unnecessary stress. I realized, OMG STOP IT WITH THE BAD VIBES. I have too much to lose for Pete's sake. (Thank you Pete, whoever you are.) I should be really thankful that I was fortunate enough to have surpassed everything that's happened. I mean, that's good news right?

I began reading my friendster comments - yes, all 335 of them. (You know there are people who have waaaaay more than mine.) As I was scrolling down and digesting each message, I suddenly forgot why I was feeling bad. It felt really good to read all of those things - how people missed me, how they wanted to see me, how they thanked me for such a wonderful time, how they credited all my achievements and the list goes on. I SUPER FREAKIN' MISS ALL OF THEM. I'm beginning to think like I've been on hibernate mode for such a long time that I forgot to make these people feel my presence - a simple text, a simple comment. The truth is I'd give anything to spend time with them stress free, no holds barred and just the best time ever.

Where have I been all this time? Oh right. I was too cooped up with stress and academic work. Bad girl, bad girl. So now I am doing my very best to just drop a comment to everyone I miss and let them know how much I love them, despite the busy times, despite the distance. I wanna cry. Honoes. Tears of joy. Haha.;D

What's really weird was that I kept on getting these flashbacks in my mind whenever I read a particular person's comment. Like, I remember what that person was making kwento about, what certain event he/she was pertaining to, the plans that we oh so wanted to make. Omg. I miss every bit of these.

I've been wallowing for quite some time now, thinking that I've been so alone and depressed, trying to be happy in every way that I could. Alone and depressed my face. Things are just too good to miss and I have no right whatsoever to whine that I have so much of a sucky life. Maybe at some point. But I won't let any random mood consume me. I've been to self-centered enough.

What I need is a day in the mall, a beach trip, a volleyball training and a game, a pig out day, a girls' night out and more work if I still need to. And all these just happen to be waiting for me.

I just need to stop the drama. Oh please. I oh so <3

It's not about getting what I want.

It's two days before my birthday and it seems like a really short span of time has zoomed by. Gawd. I'm really going to miss being 18. In two really quick and painful days, I will say hello to my last year as a teen (hmm. Okay. Maybe the last is twenteen. :p) Omg. I'm getting old.

But I don't actually feel like it. It's like I'm stuck in this vacuum of being a kid. I really don't feel like I'm somewhat an adult. I need a car, or maybe I need to get that yearlong overdue license. (Mommy, daddy why invest in real estate when you can buy a car? - Haha. Stupidly selfish.) Raaar.

I'm kind of disappointed with how my grades are turning out. Well, for the most part I really need to get my projected grades in two remaining subjects in order to get into the dean's list. Otherwise, well. Oh well. Another lost cause. (F*** you Accounting. I'm never taking you again.) Maybe my expectations were a bit too high that's why I was really hoping to make it. But who knows? I'm gonna find out soon. Tae. Sa Boracay pa talaga. Haha. Foin.

Speaking of, it's one of the few things that's keeping me up now. I mean, my birthday is bringing me these mixed feelings of frustration, anger, confusion and whatnot. I don't know how I'm going to celebrate with my friends because I'll be gone for the first two weeks of April. And then, summer classes right after. How am I supposed to fix birthday parties when it's my last day today and tomorrow's the start of the weekend already? So you see, it's like I don't know. I really want to have a simple dinner or a night out with friends but I unfortunately wasn't able to fix it. I know it's fine but it's the first time in 19 years that I'm not going to celebrate my birthday doing something special.

Hmmm. I'm done with school but I don't feel like I'm relieved of the stress. This is just so sad. :(
GOD I MISS MY FRIENDS. SUMMER HERE I COME.

Advanced happy emo birthday to me. :D

Virtuoso.

The truth is I don't ask for much. There isn't anything worth pursuing in this world...

...than dance. When you sway to the rhythm of the music, your insides pulsating loudly with every beat. You place your limbs under arrest, in the melody that captivates your soul.

Gracefully, you angle yourself to the direction of the sound and then you turn your body in a full 360 degrees, bowing down with arms resting at the top of your head. You pick up where you last left.

Again. Start 1,2, 3 demi-plie. Kick-ball step, pirouette and rest. One stretch, two extend, three arabesque. Pique followed by a half-pivot turn. Everything adagio. The sun begins to set. You pause in the middle of the piece and notice that someone is looking through the window outside.

Or you thought there was. You stop the music. Everything seems quiet and stark. The wind seems to be blowing off course, but the trees and the bushes swing to its path all the same. The moon is cradled cuddly in their branches. You breathe a handsome amount of the cold air and then you feel the strength creeping in your veins - you feel rejuvenated. Once again, you begin another round.

Then your feet begin to hurt. You fall and take off your shoes. Nothing but blood and sweat to your dismay. You've given everything to master this routine. You can't give up now. You try to stand up, your legs feel numb that you tremble and nearly stumble. Then and there, just as you were about to fall, someone catches you.

Those arms are so familiar they feel like they've held you long before. It's as if you've been waiting for them to touch you...

...for a long long time now.

Nothing can ever take you away from the one thing that you love. Even if it kills you. The question is, where is it? Has it found you yet?

(The things I learned from a few of my jazz dance classes. Thanks Ms. Venus. I wish I could do it again. It would be nice to dance these feet I used to wear out since 4.)

Just a little bit more.

I've taken a break for one day and work is already catching up on me. I'm beginning to think that it was a bad idea to take Thursday off. Raaar.

Okay. So it's Good Friday (oh my, not anymore it's already 1 a.m. of Black Saturday) and I have done anything but rest. Yes, this is my supposed penitential rite for Lenten Season. I haven't even parted with my laptop since this morning except when I had to go to church and eat dinner with my family! Ahahaha. Omg. We are talking serious last stretch here guys.

This is the first Holy Week when I was actually coerced to stay at home and work. Usually it's Batangas or some out of town with my family and Visita Iglesia galore plus pasyal after or even just home with church work. But this year, it's home and work. Two of the most incompatible elements to begin with.

One more week and this will be all out and worth it. :)

Update:

1.) Sanggu elections
2.) Theo 121 orals - = b+
3.) Acc 15 Lt # 3 - haha.
4.) Sci 10 Lt #3 - a
5.) LS reflection paper
6.) Theo 121 reflection paper -a
7.) Filipino 14 reflection paper on Tanikalang Guinto - b+
8.) Psych project of the self - a
9.) LS Industry Analysis and DEFENSE - b+
10.) Psych 101 LT 3 - b
11.) Comm 12 group report - b
12.) Fil group paper and report - c+ (ugh)
13.) Comm LT # 2 paper
14.) Sci 10 individual paper and report - a
15.) Theo thesis defense - not graded.
16.) Accounting LT # 4 - hahaha.
17.) FINALS
a. Fil 14 (comprehensive) - b
b. Sci 10 (comprehensive) - exempted (a)
c. Theo 121 (comprehensive)
18.) Com final paper (15 pages, group)
19.) LS bonus paper on Globalization and the Phil. Business Environment

Love it.<3 -

ALAS

Last thoughts before I sleep:
*I can finally hibernate for a couple of days.
*My grades are sooo looking up.
*I'm going out with my family for a while.
*STEP UP 2 ROCKS my SOCKS. Briana you are so hot. You inspire me to starve myself and get that body.
*SHOPPING for summer is just around the corner.
*Of course it ain't over yet. Gotta finish those 7 requirements - let's go kick some ass. :D

Sleep, here I come.:)

But I can't spell it out for you, you know it's never gonna be that simple.

If you just realize what I just realized then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another.
Just realize what I just realize then we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other.
No, it's never the same.
It's never the same.
If you don't feel it too. :(

You make me better.

You are just so damn gorgeous.

I may not even understand the way you are acting towards me now, although I have to admit that I have been waiting for this for quite some time. I hope nobody gets led on. I hope both parties have good intentions - and that both understand what they are getting themselves into. I pray that there will be enough time to let things unfold. No rush and definitely no taking the plunge.

And my penchant for over analyzing things won't hopefully drive me nuts and get me into deep sh*t. I should really stop creating nonexistent problems for myself.

And you. Everything seems surreal. But the more I spend time with you, it seems as if something is taking place without us knowing. I may not know what you're thinking and how you're feeling, but I hope that in the end you realize it's me.

I look forward to everyday when things get clearer bit by bit. Show me something I've never seen before. Make me feel something I've never felt before.

If everything is just a dream, a couple of misread signs and half-wishes that can never come true, then wake me up before I fall too deep.

Coollaaaappseee.

After a few failed attempts to construct a new entry here in my blog, I thereby declare that I am now in the mood. :)

It continues to amaze me how my stamina manages to endure all the stress that this academic setting is thrusting upon me. Today is my second day to brave school without any decent amounts of sleep (2 hours total) and I wasn't out drinking or partying those two precious sleepless nights away. Sunday night I had to do a final paper and last night was a bloody sleepover for a group report which supposedly contributes 20% to our final grade. Waaaheeeewaaaa. Talk about academic euphoria. If you guys want to be this hectic and this immersed in school (like nonstop since the start of this semester) go to Ateneo and be a Management student. Yaaay.

Sarcasm aside. After a 3 hour sleepfest here in Matteo (whose hallowed halls my laptop and I have been growing fonder as days go by due to the internet connection), I started taking out my planner to schedule the rest of my month. Yes, my birth month. At the end of this month I will really really really get some. :)) Anyway, as I was crossing out things to do, I realized that I was also starting to label dates with more stuff and more meetings to attend to. So you can see why the rest of the remaining weeks are just going to be fine and dandy.

Three consecutive entries here have been filled with nothing but rants and breakdowns because of stress. Now let me make it up to you by commenting on the recent outrage in Bb. Pilipinas.

When I first watched the video, which was so eagerly sent to me by Laine, I burst out laughing. I was crying curses out loud because I didn't know if it were more of the hilarious or the annoying side. But, hoooo myyyyy Gooodd. I'm sooooo sorry. I am just so disappointed with the organizers of the pageant right now.

While it is extremely amusing to witness such a feat, I am sincerely frustrated with how Bb. Pilipinas, with all its credibility and honor, could ever showcase such a deafening insult. Clearly, they justified the misconceptions of having beauty as a main stereotype in the society. The girl was pretty, I won't contest that. But brains? Which part in her vital statistics did she insert it? It was a great piece of comic entertainment mind you. However, to crown that girl as Bb. Pilipinas (meaning she embodies the true Filipina) and to make her the representative to international pageants is just sooooo wrong. I'm sure there were other ladies among the contestants who deserved the crown more than she did, and would've spoken more eloquently at that.

Oh well. I guess that's just the way things are right now. You become popular by being a deviant or more so, you become the next beauty queen by answering the q&a portion with confidence, just plain confidence (and not straight or even decent English). She should have just used our native language rather than trying to own up something that she couldn't do. Other contestants in international beauty pageants even rely on their translators. Being proud of the native tongue would have certainly made her earn more respect from the Filipinos.

Here's that momentous act of glory.

So that's my say for now. I will now continue to traipse the shards of glass prickling the soles of my feet. Thank you dear Ateneo. Coffee definitely keeps me alive now. <3>

I drew a picture of you and me and it says I hate you.

So this is what they mean when they say getting your heart broken sucks. Wanting something that bad but doesn't want you back just sucks.

I caught myself wondering if certain events in my life were just plain easy then maybe, I wouldn't be the hopeless romantic that I am. Or perhaps, I wouldn't be the workaholic that I choose to be. Or maybe I wouldn't be the great philosopher of love that I think I am. And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't wallow so much on self-pity for having this mess-of-a-love life from the very beginning. I wouldn't be so envious about couples who'd lasted for soooo long, who'd never run out of bliss, who'd stick to their promise of forever.

And just a side note, I wouldn't be this mushy/sappy sentimental girl who pauses every time she hears a love song. :(

You and me have nothing to see, clearly. What about love? God I act as if this is such a big deal.

Oh well. That's why I am blessed with so much friends and work, so that I can put all my energy and time on them. Speaking of, the horror continues. School hasn't been this torture since I could remember. But I hope that everything pays off.

I really deserve a break.:( Don't you think?

Now I know that it's going to take a looooong time for me to be able to love and be loved back again.

Supeeerrr!

I'm down to my last chapter for my Psy 101 long test at 1:30 later. Gotta make this quick and painless if I want to keep up with my 1:30 a.m. bedtime. Hahaha.;p I just finished two chapters, with the usual horrifying information overload of a book, and I'm kinda feeling woozy already. Nyahahaha. But I could care less about the exam. I just need to finish my last chapter, review the terms and voila! I'm good to go. I do realize the crucial importance of getting an A in this test. Wtf. I need to make up for that stupid D last time. I never ever failed psych in high school! I was all straigh A's! Hahaha. Fine whatever. Yabang mode.

Anyway. I'm so happy again. I think I may be experiencing the early symptoms of bipolarity or something. I don't know yet because I haven't gotten to the abnormal psychology part which discusses manic depression. But I don't know. I'm just so happy now. Maybe because I went shopping over the weekend and this afternoon? Or maybe because I was able to finish 3 papers, clean my room and fix my sched and all other stuff last Sunday?

Or maybe because after all these academic stressors, I am off to paradise because of the long line up of outings on summer break? :D Yes people. I am sooooo excited for the plans that I set with my blockmates, for formsem and for Bora and Iloilo with my family! Alaaaveeet.<3

You could just construe from my post how much I want to get this over with. Hahaha.;p So sue me!;p

Feeback.

Here's to the month of March. :)

1.) Sanggu elections
2.) Theo 121 orals
3.) Acc 15 Lt # 3
4.) Sci 10 Lt #3
5.) LS reflection paper
6.) Theo 121 reflection paper
7.) Filipino 14 reflection paper on Tanikalang Guinto
8.) Psych project of the self
9.) LS Industry Analysis and DEFENSE
10.) Psych 101 LT 3
11.) Comm 12 group report
12.) Fil group paper and report
13.) Comm LT # 2 paper
14.) Sci 10 individual paper and report
15.) Theo thesis defense
16.) Accounting LT # 4
17.) FINALS
a. Fil 14 (comprehensive)
b. Sci 10 (comprehensive)
c. Theo 121 (comprehensive)
18.) Com final paper (15 pages, group)


Hollah. Love it. <3

You burst my bubble.

It's that damn smile. I haaate that smile. :(

God I need to seriously do a lot of stuff in order to regain my sanity. This week was a feeling of all sorts. You know, the usual academic landslide - orals, long tests and whatnot. Next week will be the heavier continuation with 6 effin' deadlines. How come other schools don't have the notion of hell week? Unfair.:|

Oh well. Today was the day that I felt like I totally lost control over myself. I went to the bookstore, roamed around the mall and shopped all the stress out. Thank God I didn't succumb to eating. I was far too broke to even afford a meal. Funny, though because I feel that my life hasn't felt this good since I could remember. I mean, I've been able to work at my own pace (even went to the gym with Bixie and Nik yesterday and I vow to continue that for the rest of the month until Bora) and I think I'm handling my responsibilities well. Or so I think.

How come I feel like it's so... incomplete? I barely have the chance to gloat about things now. I don't even share my feelings with close friends - my troubles, my kilig moments, my rants and raves and other girl stuff. Suddenly, family and friends don't seem enough anymore.

Oh well. I don't wanna hear it. I know it's "I told you so." At the back of my mind, I know that this was something that I would inevitably feel as the aftermath of an ended relationship. But come to think of it, I don't want a commitment. I don't want any of it. Maybe I just crave for the feeling of being inspired - of looking forward to going to school because I know that it would make my day to see him walking along sec walk in the usual tamad porma attire, carrying bags with all his books and basketball stuff and flashing that oh so mesmerizing smile. And those eyes. Oh those tranquilizing eyes.

Now I feel that those eyes don't even see me the way I want them to.

Okay. Just hang on. I just have to get by and Boraaaaaaa here I come. Formsem with Sanggu here I come. Debate seminars here I come. Volleyball here I come.

All these in a two-week break. This is just the best life ever. :))