That's all.

I had a super freakish weekend and the freakiness has yet to stop. It has practically ruined my week and at the most, stopped me from being a productive person. I have gone home really tired for the past few days, slumped on my bed and cried myself to sleep without even bothering to check mail, chat with people and do other stuff related to school. Needless to say, it is the dawn of my crappy stage in life once again.

Problems have been thrust to my face for a long time now and in as much as I would like to keep my life balanced in any way, these problems just seem to invade my life. Yes I am dismal and I am completely struggling to win the genuine goodness of my life back but to no avail.

People keep on saying, "You are the master of your own reality." Perhaps, that is true. It's a freakin' cliche. But you don't tell that to people who are utterly desolate after a heartbreak, who have been taken for granted for so long and are stupid enough to let people use them just because they love them. If the situation were that simple, then each one of us would just be grazing like cows on greener pastures or better yet, hopping around a prairie collecting flowers with the birds and the bees. Humor me.

And the thing is, it isn't that simple. To just walk away from everything you have held on to for a long time and just watch it being devoured by pure contempt and stupidity is not an easy thing to do. It takes time and a ridiculous amount of tears to let everything pass.

"This too shall pass."

Whatever. No amount of words of wisdom, cliches, ice cream, food binging and shopping can ever take the pain away. I have been a miserable person for months now, coping with the disaster from time to time, but unless we are still what we are, (...) I think there will never be any closure for this.

I will not stop myself from moving on.

Anyway, the start of the week was marked with my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. It was a rather fun and dramatic reunion with the Santillans. We had lots of food, speech giving and a videoke machine. We all took turns in giving our speeches and of course, we sang a song for our dear lolo and lola. I even got a hundred for "Para sa Akin" by Sitti. I love that song. Hahaha:) But I do think that the videoke machine is such a liar for giving me a perfect score. I miss singing tuloy.

Okay. I didn't fail my math midterms and I' mhappy to death because I got a higher grade than what I expected. I hope that my mantra will soon take its form into actions because I no longer want to fail math.

And then weird stuff with me and Raffy. Shit. It's been what? More than two months and it's too long of a hang-over for this to keep going. I thought everything will soon fall in its rightful place. I thought wrong. But what the hell. There will be plenty of time to think this through and patch things up. It's a very complicated situation (or yeah. Both of us are making it complicated but it's more of his side.) and it can't be figured out in one night. God knows how long this will take to actually be managed. Months? Years? :(

I have to be strong. I really need to stop breaking down. If he shows me he loves me but can't really settle and be firm about what he wants and his disposition, then this will lead us to nowhere.

Every time I sleep, he's the last thing on my mind. The first thing when I wake up is how I have to get through the day without him. And I guess, because I'm not a person who gets everything that she wants or can just casually flirt with anyone and not having to take things seriously, I am too fragile of a girl now. I'm weak and vulnerable as how this situation leaves me to be.

I need to move on. I have to and I can.

I have developed an addiction to early morning Michael Buble songs mode on.

[EDIT] The weekend ahead.

This blog is so lame. I am going to bring back my own lay-out because I really miss my pink twinkling stars. Ahaaay. One reason why I changed this was because I wanted a new feel to my recollection of thoughts. Changing it back doesn't really mean that I'm going back to that horrible past life. Hmmm.

Today is a rather perky day. I don't know. For some reason this pursuit-for-happiness-without the-things-I-want-to-have is getting into me and just going on through the day keeping busy with productive things seem to do the trick.

One particular moment which cheered me up today aside from trying a new route going home, sharing the latest bits with John, not eating at lunch, bonding with Gin at the smocket and the usual academic stuff is this:

"Keep quiet. Don't force me to slap all of you." - Mr. *toot*

Sir chill ka lang. Hahaha:)

I'm going to work now after I finish the lay-out.

I have no idea where this is going to take me. I just know that life is a hell lot complicated.

This is not a player's world.

I've lost every motivation to focus on my paper. Yes, I do thank our ES prof for giving us this break. We really deserve this. But it's just a waste of time if I don't get anything accomplished. Fuck it.

I don't know. I suddenly got pissed off. Maybe because... one moment I was really happy about stuff and then another moment it just had to be ruined.

Now, that thing just IM-ed me. Grrr.

I'm back here. I know I have a knack for making a big deal out of things. So what I'm doing now isn't helping in any way. Stalking is just a major hallmark in my life. Tama na. I'm getting sick of myself. So I'm cutting math to finish this friggin' paper in Fil. After which, I will watch this play in Fil and hopefully study hardcore for math midterms.

Yes. Career mode on. I am less inspired but there's no time to think of that now. Personal issues aside first and I have to finish my to-do list before I decide to take on some action. Cheerios:)

When you just couldn't take it.

Everybody has the right to snap.

I am not invincible. I have a weak heart; not because it is fragile to begin with, but because the person whom I entrusted it to shattered the guard which has protected it. The ruins are not enough to shield me from what little energy is attempting to penetrate.

I am not a dainty china. I fall when I break, crumble to little pieces but it doesn't mean that I can't be whole again. I am incomplete and scathed but not really desolate.

Solitude. I am struggling to live life as it has left me. Nobody is there to bother knowing and sharing the things that trouble me. Nobody is there to make me cry even if I hate crying but I would rather be gently caressed after crying than not having to cry after all. Nobody is there is to scold me when I screw things up; when I make stupid mistakes. No one is there to share random moments with me, under the stars, under the night sky, over the phone, in the mall, in a vehicle, in a place far off...

I am not helpless. I just treat tears as my sole companions. Staring at the ceiling, thinking of what could've been if only you were willing to fight with me until the very end. Listening to songs, hearing your voice at the back of my head, recalling the days when it was best used in saying that you love me. All this brings me to retrospect, a kind of nostalgia to the place where I was when we were still together.

And all that has vanished. This is the 2nd month that we have stopped celebrating our love. I know you are with someone now for your own reasons and decisions. I hope you are happy. I hope you're doing well. I'm trying so hard to make it and I know that I have to get there.

Everything else just doesn't make any sense now. I have become a weakling. I can no longer muster up enough courage to stand up for myself. Maybe that's why I have been walking around, going through everyday with this huge facade that's attempting to conceal every bit of sadness inside me.

Hopeless as it is, I know that my life will never be devoid of your existence. You will continue to haunt me in my dreams, in my consciousness, in almost everything. I just pray that somehow, I will be brave enough to accept that fact that things can never undo themselves and can never go back to what they were.

For everything that's worth, we are all obliged to keep on moving forward. And that's what I'm doing now. Walking... walking... dragging my feet along with my broken heart.

Detoxification.

I have concluded that one way to dissolve all the negative energy is to be a workaholic. However, I have been multitasking enough that I seem to have overdone everything. Whew.

So I had a very tiring and long day.

I just had to seize the chance to be able to walk away from all the things that trouble me. Morbid as it is, my manic depression has consumed my every decent thought. But there is no way that I will surrender to this evil energy that's attempting to ruin my life.

Well I just came home from school. We had our exposure trip this morning and I just had to wake up late. I can't even remember why I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning so that I can even trace the root and make a lame excuse as to why I was stupid enough to wake up late. I just know that I won't pull that kind of stuff ever again. Especially if I'm running for *toot*.

And so after an adorable and amusing last visit to Tahanang Walang Hagdan, (I even had to dane Boom Tarat Tarat - wait for its debut at YouTube) my friends and I headed on to Eastwood to supposedly watch Griffin and Phoenix but then again it wasn't showing there. So we had to fight over the movie to watch because the boys wanted Saw III and we utterly refused to be dragged to the moviehouse to watch goth and disgusting stuff. We then had to watch Eragon.

It was okay. Sitting next to John who was eating mini burgers and making a fun out of everything in the movie made it okay.:) Ahahaha=p

After that we just hung out and played games like the marry, fuck and kill. The guys had their own 'perverted' conversation. Do they really think that we didn't have our own? Not even close fellas.:)

Gotta end this. The end of another tiring day.

Going banana.

How is life these past few days? The same old banana, only with peanut butter sprinkled with marshmallows on top. Life is indeed sweeter when you finally decide to be happy and accept the things that happen around you.

Yes. Despite the fact that I am about to fail a 6-unit course and that next week is midterms week, I would like to believe that this is all part of my journey towards self realization. Yeees. Getting philosophical (and making a lame excuse to not be depressed about math) aren't we? =p

I am happy but not completely. Well I mean, who is completely happy? No one can attain the perfect level of happiness because there is no such thing. We all have our crappy times to balance out with our joys and laughter.

After everything that I have to do, once again it is time to parrrteeee. That means preparing for my own debut for March. I know it's still early but for preparations and everything? No, it's not. Hassle talaga if you want to throw a party that has to be worth it. So, I'm gonna start will plans and all as soon as possbile. My target is after midterms week because there are submissions left and right. Since I'm an OC girl by nature, I've already made a table at the back of my planner for the possible places, themes, venues, budgets, facilities and contact persons, just in case. :)

Yeaaah. Lovin' it. Gotta work.

Vent.

I wish that I am able to stop myself from thinking about him.

Putting things into perspective.

Math. I hate math. I loathe that subject. If there's anything in the world that can make me depressed more than a landslide of WORK - like what's about to roll down on me., it's Math. Oh no I guess it's like an avalanche now.

I want to shift out of my course and go into something easier. But then again, I know that it'll make me feel worse knowing that I settled for something which was less even if I knew that I could've done better and survived in Comtech. Not a dilemma this time. No. No. No.

Thank God to Figaro and the newly imposed rule at Matteo Ricci that we are allowed to eat at that study hall! I was able to devour a hearty brunch of Grilled Chicken Pesto sandwich and my Coffee Caramel from Figaro.

Emo talk, ES oral report and some studing were some of the things that we were able to accomplish. :)

Now, I have to continue hating math because it is hindering me from living life at its fullest. Our long test is on Thursday and our Midterms is on the exact date and time that the concert in Tipol will take place. No HS reunion for me I guess.:( It really sucks big time.

Okay. This week is like super hectic week. Gotta get to work. :)

- Something weird happen to me on my way home yesterday. Ugh.:(

Getting my life back.

In the midst of cramming and a huge pile of work to do, I simply cannot resist the temptation to do a bit of blogging to complete my 'oh-so-moving-on-and-inspired-by-friends-weekend.'

I finally know what to do. I have convinced myself to do every possible means to just live life peacefully, away from these unnecessary troubles and tribulations.

Yes. That is the spirit.

Before Raffy went away (last December, over a month after we broke up), I was living life at its best and just doing everything to keep me busy and happy. When he came back to open the last formal closure that we had, I thought it was another possible shot for something which was long-term. Well, maybe because we had that pace in our relationship before. I gave him a chance with the caveat that it's up to his discretion if he screws it up. Other than that, then, it's pretty much over. I was kinda expecting that the 'game' would last longer than a week. But then, it just didn't.

What intentions that he had, I may never know. What he feels about it now, I have no idea. What I do know is that I barely know Raffy now. (know, know know redundancy) From the guy who has loved me long enough to share countless things with him, I got really hurt with what he did and with what he's doing right now. Yes, I said that I'd be happy with whatever makes him happy. But to the extent that he no longer cares about the feelings of other people? No way.

I was kinda expecting that the love that we had changed him somehow. But it seems like he drastically worsened and changed into another person. Now I'm stuck here, being miserable and disbelieving with a very much inflated ego because I know that he could do much better than with that ugggghh. Kid.

So whatever. The second week back was fun. Tuesday, we had unlimited siomai at DnD at Eastwood, then we had an inuman session last Friday at Cantina in celebration of Arnold's 18th birthday. The next week is welcoming us with a lot of work and hell no... MIDTERMS.

Oh, that's the week after next. I don't know why I feel like throwing my life away when in fact, there is a lot of stuff ahead of me. Like my lolo and lola's 50th anniversary, my tita's baby's baptism and a lot of other stuff. School spells work all over it. I have my discernment talk and varsity accreds...

Yeah. I feel so much at ease right now. And since, I'm getting my life back, I might as well continue doing my research paper draft.:)

Cheerios.

Just to make things clear --- I know there are a lot of stalkers around.

As I walk into this trance, I picture myself leaving these hallowed halls of my already ailing heart. Blood refuses to flow through my veins, my nerves cannot tolerate the pain and little by little, I am gasping for air. I choke, I stumble, I hallucinate. I then feel my body succumb to Its calls and then my vision becomes hazy. Everything becomes a blur and I know that I only have few of the time left.

Everything goes black and I know that my back is lying against the floor. It takes me long, a little too long, to wake up form my peaceful slumber.

All because I am in denial that I have submitted myself to death at its best.

When I do wake up, I will find myself free from the chains that have long captivated me...


Okay. Let's get this straight. I may be too much of a sourgraper and I complain about a lot of things most of the time but I can never be oblivious to the fact that my life is now at the peak of its crappiness. Name a problem and I know that in some way, I am going through it. It seems like I woke up one day, praying to God, unconsciously asking him for these problems to pour like rain.

And so they did.

I have a penchant for assuming things and logically figuring a problem out for myself. Even if the problem resists and remains to be non-existent, it becomes a pretty huge deal for me. In short, I create my own problems.

So maybe that's why I'm feeling this way right now.

I can't blame anyone for what happened because humans do make foolish things. It's an accepted universal fact that guys can be the most insensitive warts or rather creatures on earth. It's also good to rub in that sometimes (some pretty unfortunate times) they tend not to care about the girls that they attract and who, in turn, want to attract them just so long that they can satisfy whatever pathetic urges that they have. Or for that matter, stupidity has brought about the world's perfect match of idiotic, flirty and bastardic people.

Sorry for the term. I can't help but bitch out on what great effort I have managed to pull off to be able to put myself together for the past month. The perfect leeway was to be with my friends, just enjoying life and everything else. I was about to leave everything behind up until the last second...

That he just had to ruin. I know it doesn't really matter if he met 'her' in like a really, dismal and wretched way but well, they're together now. And no matter how hard my friends try to rub in that I'm definitely more than what or who she is, I still can't get over it. I know that I'm not in the position to pass judgment on someone who I barely even know. However, I apologize because I haven't heard anything positive about you.

I can't be fine about this. Maybe not now. The same goes for how the both of them don't really deserve each other and that karma is bound to hit them sooner or later.

What pains me is that my friends aren't able to help through because of certain barriers which hinder me to actually live life after escaping hell. My room, my own house has been my cage and I'm currently locked up in it.

So I chose to be rebellious. For the reason that I have lost any enthusiasm and motivation for moving on and carrying the bits and pieces of my life to a new chapter ahead. Tae. It's really hard.

I vowed to be bigger than this. Of course I am and I always will be.

Pretty, smart, all-around Atenista. I didn't achieve those things to be treated just like trash. Those who are blind to see it deserve a middle finger and a pair of supah fly glasses.

I'm psyching myself up because I am slowly leaving everything behind.

Goodbye loser. Goodbye bitch. Wish for your happiness.

Hello planner, hello school, hello life.:)

I told Mico about how I try to face my problems thinking that there are people who have bigger problems and heavier burdens than me. We both agreed on the fact that somehow, it is wrong to think that way. Because no matter how you look at it, it never makes your situation any easier to handle.

Daryll decides to die.

There is only one thing that I can think of right at this very moment. I wanna die. Or I wanna go some place where I can sleep or feel numb or even just float in air without having to mind my problems and anxieties.

Tumira kaya ako ng drugs? Hahahaha. Ulul. Pero no kidding, ganyan yung gravity ng nafeefeel ko.

I haven't really felt true happiness even for a slight moment and I'm back to my shitty life right now.

I cannot pinpoint what might have triggered this. I just know that I'm fed up.

I can't do this anymore='c

Ang gulo ng utak at puso mo.

Guys like you deserve the worst karma.

I'm back to the olden days of cramming and doing things which aren't related to scholastic excellence. I haven't really accomplished anything that's written in my brand new planner. The least would be to start on this blog which hasn't really been updated with the stuff that I did during the break and the things which started to complicate my year.

I just know that I'm pissed at myself. I don't really want to give some of my friends the satisfaction of saying 'I told you so' straight to my face while I bow down in humiliation. But it's too late for that. That's an inevitable thing to happen, unless I do keep my mouth shut. That's so unlike me. I'm bound to snap sooner than the blink of an eye; with everything that's happening, I can gather every last bit of my remaining patience just so I could hang on for dear life. But other than that? Well, brace yourself.

Before that, since I'm not sleeping and I haven't really done anything productive and the things to cross out in my things-to-do, I have to keep in mind to go home after lunch tomorrow and just do everything here at home. Besides, there is ample time to catch up with all the work that's been waiting to be done.

Note to self: Do no be stupid anymore. Wake up to reality girl! It's hard but life's like that. You'll never know what it wants to say and where it wants to bring you. You'll never be certain about things if you keep looking for answers.

Arrgh. I thought I took a break but it seems like another one's calling me to take it.

Bottom line is: he is stupid. He doesn't know what he wants but it's definitely not you! I can't believe I'm back to feeling the way I felt when he did this the first time. It was over a month ago but I can feel it like it was just 5 minutes since it happened.

Fuck you! Gago ka. Mamatay ka na amputa.

*Evil laugh*

Yes. I am insane. Hear the woes of this girl who is back to her pretentions.

English

Didn't see this one coming.

I imagined spending my holidays with friends and family and just being cheery with the celebrations going about. Christmas was over and the end of the year was fast approaching. Needless to say, it was the thing that I wanted more than anything else.

Holidays were just perfect. I had the chance to spend time with my friends in our mini-parties and inuman sessions, malls and last-minute gimmicks. I felt happy; genuinely happy and happy in the truest sense of the word for the first time in a month.

Within the past week, I learned to gradually let go and forget what little bitterness and remorse left in the depths of my heart. The year coming to an end was the perfect way to leave everything behind.

But life indeed is full of surprises as well as obligations. Inasmuchas it pains me to leave this entry hanging, I have to march towards bed for it is, once again, a school day tomorrow.=c Details soon.

[EDIT] January 3, 2006

I have no idea what's happening now. I just know that the clock is ticking fast, time is running out and I have developed quite a paranoia to certain things around me. I have unconsciously developed this invisible barrier which makes me immune to all the pain that's attempting to penetrate through me.

I should have known that I would arrive at this point. This, which will grant the pleas of the voice at the back of my mind asking if my disposition now is quite acceptable. Honestly, and quite surprisingly, I refuse to answer. I then repress the wail so it prevails no more.

So what I'm trying to say is, a guy who comes back after a depressing span of time (one month to be exact) cannot simply undo things overnight or through frantic drunken moves in front of my house until dawn. I credit him for the effort that he has done, for the guts that he has managed to show and for the pride that he has allowed himself to swallow before finally admitting that he can no longer bear the unimaginable situation of not having me. But then again, I ask, is this still valid? Does this have any direction at all?

I was given the chance to step forward from the position I have long remained in. I declined to retrace myself and take that excruciatingly painful road again. But I, unfortunately and regrettingly, advanced things further the wrong way: I took the plunge and drowned myself in the process. No, I'm not hurting. On the contrary, I am glad that I was able to pull myself to the surface of my placid fears. I have submitted myself to something that takes hold of me and burdens me with shadows of the past. What I want to do now is to stop putting truths on hold and just waiting for improbable miracles to happen. Maybe they are just not meant to occur after all.

Yes, he did cry and admitted the fact that he did not want to lose me after all. But what has happened for the last three days does not reinforce the fact that everything's going to be the same and hopefully, they won't be because I have suffered enough to go through them again. It does not and cannot erase the chain of events that created impacts on people's lives, moreover heal their wounds and scars.

So I guess, I am to be happy now. Not because he came back, but because I have the liberty to see for myself what lies ahead of us. It was wrong of me to assume that everything was okay, when I, myself, momentarily rejected the reality that faced me. See, I was hoping for nothing but the best. But it's never enough. He has to do his part.

I guess God has other plans for us. What kills me is the fact that the love remains, while we couldn't.='c