That's all.

I had a super freakish weekend and the freakiness has yet to stop. It has practically ruined my week and at the most, stopped me from being a productive person. I have gone home really tired for the past few days, slumped on my bed and cried myself to sleep without even bothering to check mail, chat with people and do other stuff related to school. Needless to say, it is the dawn of my crappy stage in life once again.

Problems have been thrust to my face for a long time now and in as much as I would like to keep my life balanced in any way, these problems just seem to invade my life. Yes I am dismal and I am completely struggling to win the genuine goodness of my life back but to no avail.

People keep on saying, "You are the master of your own reality." Perhaps, that is true. It's a freakin' cliche. But you don't tell that to people who are utterly desolate after a heartbreak, who have been taken for granted for so long and are stupid enough to let people use them just because they love them. If the situation were that simple, then each one of us would just be grazing like cows on greener pastures or better yet, hopping around a prairie collecting flowers with the birds and the bees. Humor me.

And the thing is, it isn't that simple. To just walk away from everything you have held on to for a long time and just watch it being devoured by pure contempt and stupidity is not an easy thing to do. It takes time and a ridiculous amount of tears to let everything pass.

"This too shall pass."

Whatever. No amount of words of wisdom, cliches, ice cream, food binging and shopping can ever take the pain away. I have been a miserable person for months now, coping with the disaster from time to time, but unless we are still what we are, (...) I think there will never be any closure for this.

I will not stop myself from moving on.

Anyway, the start of the week was marked with my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. It was a rather fun and dramatic reunion with the Santillans. We had lots of food, speech giving and a videoke machine. We all took turns in giving our speeches and of course, we sang a song for our dear lolo and lola. I even got a hundred for "Para sa Akin" by Sitti. I love that song. Hahaha:) But I do think that the videoke machine is such a liar for giving me a perfect score. I miss singing tuloy.

Okay. I didn't fail my math midterms and I' mhappy to death because I got a higher grade than what I expected. I hope that my mantra will soon take its form into actions because I no longer want to fail math.

And then weird stuff with me and Raffy. Shit. It's been what? More than two months and it's too long of a hang-over for this to keep going. I thought everything will soon fall in its rightful place. I thought wrong. But what the hell. There will be plenty of time to think this through and patch things up. It's a very complicated situation (or yeah. Both of us are making it complicated but it's more of his side.) and it can't be figured out in one night. God knows how long this will take to actually be managed. Months? Years? :(

I have to be strong. I really need to stop breaking down. If he shows me he loves me but can't really settle and be firm about what he wants and his disposition, then this will lead us to nowhere.

Every time I sleep, he's the last thing on my mind. The first thing when I wake up is how I have to get through the day without him. And I guess, because I'm not a person who gets everything that she wants or can just casually flirt with anyone and not having to take things seriously, I am too fragile of a girl now. I'm weak and vulnerable as how this situation leaves me to be.

I need to move on. I have to and I can.

I have developed an addiction to early morning Michael Buble songs mode on.

[EDIT] The weekend ahead.

This blog is so lame. I am going to bring back my own lay-out because I really miss my pink twinkling stars. Ahaaay. One reason why I changed this was because I wanted a new feel to my recollection of thoughts. Changing it back doesn't really mean that I'm going back to that horrible past life. Hmmm.

Today is a rather perky day. I don't know. For some reason this pursuit-for-happiness-without the-things-I-want-to-have is getting into me and just going on through the day keeping busy with productive things seem to do the trick.

One particular moment which cheered me up today aside from trying a new route going home, sharing the latest bits with John, not eating at lunch, bonding with Gin at the smocket and the usual academic stuff is this:

"Keep quiet. Don't force me to slap all of you." - Mr. *toot*

Sir chill ka lang. Hahaha:)

I'm going to work now after I finish the lay-out.