I imagined spending my holidays with friends and family and just being cheery with the celebrations going about. Christmas was over and the end of the year was fast approaching. Needless to say, it was the thing that I wanted more than anything else.
Holidays were just perfect. I had the chance to spend time with my friends in our mini-parties and inuman sessions, malls and last-minute gimmicks. I felt happy; genuinely happy and happy in the truest sense of the word for the first time in a month.
Within the past week, I learned to gradually let go and forget what little bitterness and remorse left in the depths of my heart. The year coming to an end was the perfect way to leave everything behind.
But life indeed is full of surprises as well as obligations. Inasmuchas it pains me to leave this entry hanging, I have to march towards bed for it is, once again, a school day tomorrow.=c Details soon.
[EDIT] January 3, 2006
I have no idea what's happening now. I just know that the clock is ticking fast, time is running out and I have developed quite a paranoia to certain things around me. I have unconsciously developed this invisible barrier which makes me immune to all the pain that's attempting to penetrate through me.
I should have known that I would arrive at this point. This, which will grant the pleas of the voice at the back of my mind asking if my disposition now is quite acceptable. Honestly, and quite surprisingly, I refuse to answer. I then repress the wail so it prevails no more.
So what I'm trying to say is, a guy who comes back after a depressing span of time (one month to be exact) cannot simply undo things overnight or through frantic drunken moves in front of my house until dawn. I credit him for the effort that he has done, for the guts that he has managed to show and for the pride that he has allowed himself to swallow before finally admitting that he can no longer bear the unimaginable situation of not having me. But then again, I ask, is this still valid? Does this have any direction at all?
I was given the chance to step forward from the position I have long remained in. I declined to retrace myself and take that excruciatingly painful road again. But I, unfortunately and regrettingly, advanced things further the wrong way: I took the plunge and drowned myself in the process. No, I'm not hurting. On the contrary, I am glad that I was able to pull myself to the surface of my placid fears. I have submitted myself to something that takes hold of me and burdens me with shadows of the past. What I want to do now is to stop putting truths on hold and just waiting for improbable miracles to happen. Maybe they are just not meant to occur after all.
Yes, he did cry and admitted the fact that he did not want to lose me after all. But what has happened for the last three days does not reinforce the fact that everything's going to be the same and hopefully, they won't be because I have suffered enough to go through them again. It does not and cannot erase the chain of events that created impacts on people's lives, moreover heal their wounds and scars.
So I guess, I am to be happy now. Not because he came back, but because I have the liberty to see for myself what lies ahead of us. It was wrong of me to assume that everything was okay, when I, myself, momentarily rejected the reality that faced me. See, I was hoping for nothing but the best. But it's never enough. He has to do his part.
I guess God has other plans for us. What kills me is the fact that the love remains, while we couldn't.='c
No comments:
Post a Comment