Somewhere in between.

I feel like crap. My head is throbbing with pain, my stomach is churning, my body is aching and my spirit is so heavy. The irony of it all is that I stayed home today and I slept after eating dinner so I just woke up.

I didn't come to class because I wanted to take the chance to study for my Calculus test tomorrow. I was feeling a bit sick this morning so I opted not to go to school at all. The thing is, I haven't really studied because I was like doing a lot of unnecessary stuff this afternoon, when I woke up late. Patapon ba? Not really.

So now, I am wide awake and I hope to pull off this all-nighter. I don't really know what's happening to me right now. I'm so so so sad.

I'm traversing somewhere between the lines of super depressed and extremely low but at the same time, I haven't lost hope that somehow there is still something to look forward to after all this crap.

Summer. Yes. Summer. Let's forget about summer class. Just summer.

And yeah. I miss him. I don't know what happened after the talk but I'm pretty sure that I didn't say anything to make him stop talking to me. =( Next time na nga.

Burst.

Rage and fury.

If there's anything in this world that I am least patient at, it's waiting. I hate waiting although I make people wait a lot. But the thing is, overdoing it just makes me snap. As in cry and just infuriate myself with tears.

I'm really really pissed. I am so mad at my dad right now. I have been bumming around since 4 o'clock just being a nomad, transferring places, starving, trying to study and trying to get some things done. I'm stressed, tired, hungry and I doubt that I will ever get some rest when I come home later. In my time, it'll be too late to do things, unless I'm going to start another all-nighter.

Fuck this shit. If I just knew, I would've gone home when my PE class ended. If that would be the case, then maybe I shouldn't be worrying about how to do the things that I have to finish by tonight. But wait, I didn't know didn't I? It's so fucking lame. 5 o'clock is already an allowanced time so that I could sit down and study. But 7 pm? Having to wait for three hours? Shiyet. Super waste of time.

It would be good if I had my own laptop. I would be able to finish my papers then. Too bad I don't. Sorry for me I guess. Hahaha. Sorry for me. Thanks to the malfunctioning computer units here, I have to transfer from time to time. Oh yeah. And for not informing me about how late I was gonna get picked up, I had to multi-task and do things at once so I could get a head start with everything else. If only I knew, I would've finished at least once. But I didn't, didn't I?

I had to wait. I just had to even if I didn't have to. But, if I knew that it would be like this, I would've chosen to go home on my own. Screw it if someone gets mad. I have tons of stuff to do. Get it?

What's bad about it is that my battery had to die down. I had to go to RMT to have it charged. I looked stupid standing up and charging my fone and I was already beginning to feel that people were glaring at how stupid I looked. I had to go here to the lib. I wanted to throw my fone, but not this time.

Thanks to the late time, every place here in Ateneo will close and I still have to wait. I haven't eaten lunch. I have a bunch of stuff to do. Thanks to the traffic, I'll be home by the time that it would be too late for me to decide whether or not I should get some sleep because in the end, it would be the latter. Choice pa kunyari. Wala naman akong magagawa eh.

And then when I finally come home, my very loving parents will scold me for staying up so fucking late. Oh well. It's fun to stay up and get so tired the morning after eh! It's fun not getting any sleep at all and taking tests and shit at school. It's just so fun of a leisure to spend all my time staying up doing non-academic related work. Puta.

In the end, my fruits will reap: ang baba ng grades mo.

Then whose fault is it huh?

I should be home by now. I shouldn't be doing this if I were at home already.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Pretending that love is not for me.

But what else can I do if he don't love me?

Haven't you ever wondered why almost everything that's written here just pertains to one sole thing? Don't you ever get tired of reading posts which are mournfully about the crappiest life ever? I wish to stop but I would heavily contradict reality if I were to do that.

I am by default the unluckiest girl when it comes to handling these situations. Although I am proud to say that we are both taking things step by step and that we are not in a rush - I'm glad to see some improvement.

I love him. He loves me. All we need is time. - school work at that first.

State of confusion = state of calamity.

Can I just say that I hate this feeling? Everytime you feel like everything's just falling in its right place something just holds you back and keeps you away from feeling perpetual happiness. More often than not, the situation is out of your control and you just have to hang on for dear life to be able to conquer it and hopefully let it pass.

It's always partially my fault when it comes to these things. I choose to submit myself to the cicumstance even if I am fully aware of the complications that it entails. I know that once I allow that thing to happen, everything just goes back in time and forces itself to go back to how it was, even if it's impossible to do so.

I give myself the credit that I was already doing good at the first part. After the sweet talk, the fireworks and the short time together, I was down to my knees once again. It's such a bad thing. I gave it another night and a day to get myself to decide that none of this matters anymore. It's just a temporary high, I just missed doing it and showing my caged feelings. I don't have to feel this way right? It's been long over with. We're just making the same mistake again. Waaaah!!!:'(

I don't have to be attached to the past. I have to be strong to overcome this. Everything's gonna go wrong if I give in to this.

- I am so speaking in vague terms.

Anyway. Lanna's 18th birthday at Rockwell Club was a total blast. Pictures at my multiply soon. We had so much fun mainly because the whole barkada was almost there. I love it:)

So much for storytelling. I have to work now. Later:)

[EDIT] I can never feel too much. I can never be that girl.

I don't know what's happening to me. I feel so moody, stressed and suddenly unhappy. This is perhaps one of the most uncanny moments in my life. It's one of these times that my mood just fluctuates between the extremes that I end up having a horribly painful headache.

I sat around all day and I swear. Sitting around this much not talking to anyone and just doing things alone sucks. It sucks big time and can even suck one's sanity out. Woooooaaaah. It's a pretty lame Sunday evening. It's such a temptation to slack off but I know that once I give in, I would be feeling so much worse tomorrow. Much worse than I should feel.=(

Why must I feel this way? Why can't I ever run away from it? Why must I struggke so hard in order to be happy?

Why can't I make the right choice?

[EDIT] Still can't pull myself together.

An open letter to you.

I don't exactly know what to say and whatever it is, how to say it. I've lost words within the duration that I have allowed myself to be consumed with the pain that was inflicted. I allowed it-the most part that I went wrong.

But the thing is, that's the power that love can force and thrust upon a person's well-being. No matter how hard I seemed to try to resist everything that was happening, the more that it succeeded on its way through. Again, a mistake which I allowed.

Or was it? Is there anyone to blame after all that's happened? Is it really anyone's fault? Or were we just victims of a circumstance that we couldn't possibly devoid of? Honey I thought that by not talking to you, everything would go perfectly well. I was right. Everything seemed perfectly and genuinely well. The only thing that contested it was the last-minute chance of you having to go back to me.

And it happened. I wasn't expecting anything like it. I was rid of you for some time and I was really happy. But being with you, back in your arms and just forgetting everything else that's happened made all the difference. I was cold at the beginning maybe because I already forgot how it was to love and to be loved. However, your every kiss and embrace reminded me and brought back that feeling once more. Now my heart aches at the prospect that even if we take this chance, things will never be the same anymore.

My heart is weak. I look outside thinking that you are only a short distance away. The smell of the wind is a signal that summer is about to take place. We are once again entrapped in the moment of deep love and longing. I want to be with you so badly, so bad that it hurts. I want to forget everything; the hurt and the pain of not being with you. But why is having you now suddenly the end of my world? Why is it an immediate destruction of everything that I'm trying to live for for the past months?='( I sitll love you all the while.

In as much as I would like to put the past behind and take this second chance to be able to start anew, the scars of the past will continue to find a way to haunt me. If we are willing to take this, we have to be stronger.

For now, it's us against the world and we have everything to prove.='( Stay with me.

Rising from the ashes.

If there's one significant thing that's happened today, it would be the moment that took place an hour ago. God really has a peculiar way of putting things together. - next entry:p

Today is Ash Wednesday and is the start of the Lenten Season. For years, I have never failed to fulfill my obligations as a devout Catholic and follower of God. Although there have been changes and a lot of things are putting my faith to the test, I am quite proud that I never let those forces make my faith falter. I feel that my relationship with God is not as close as before; distant in fact, so I am making amends for my shortcomings. I mean, after leaving the Youth Parish Council (which was so not my decision) the lack of responsiveness to God's usual call made me personally incomplete everyday.=(

So Laine, Ria and I were only among the select few who attended mass at Gesu this morning and had our foreheads imposed with ash. I most especially loved the homily (aside from my usual enchantment with the Music Ministry - the fatabulous singing voice of the choir) and I have to admit that I was struck with most of the words that Fr. David said.

"To love, to hold on and to let go."
- To love what is given, to hold on to it while it is with us and to finally learn to let go of it when the time comes that God takes it away. We have to bear in mind that things in this world are given to us for a specific time. That in its sense, should teach us never to take those things for granted and that when it is time to let go, we have to wholeheartedly do so.

"Our life is not about the losses that we have incurred but rather the dispositions that we made to cope with those losses."
- We are restricted to only one choice upon losing something or someone and that is to let go. It is an inevitable part of living and the way to deal with it is not acting as if we were the victim but rather how we chose to handle the situation even if it meant the deepest infliction of pain.

After all, when the only thing that matters is love, we have to strive to be happy even without the things that we want to have. It's about giving way to God's plan, putting our selfish desires last in our list of things to do.

Okay. Still have an ES LT tomorrow. Wrap this up muna.

Cheerios:)

Hey ho! Let's go!

I'm in a perky mood today. I didn't really wake up on the right side of the bed. In fact, I slept for a short while during the long break after copying notes for ES.

Actually, we were supposed to go and watch a movie - Music and Lyrics with The Core. Thanks to Laine for fending off the dark side of the force, we decided to stay here and finish school stuff instead.

A lot of people are asking me if the Sanggu elections results are out. Well, I have no idea. Let's just hope for the best I guess. Later. I still have to study and work on my papers. I'm gonna go home freakin' late tonight because of our Fil play.

[EDIT] It's 11:30 and I'm here talking to my good friend John about some serious stuff. Ooohhh weeee. It's late but I still have to stay up because of stupid ES long test and some other school shit. Oh yeah. The woes of a kolehiyala.

Before the Fil play, we got stuck at Matteo to study and be nerds until 5:30. I fortunately finished my Lit paper so I'm down to two: my Fil paper and the InTACT reflection thing. Of course, the ES LT which I have to study for.

While at our study-fest, Laine and I had an encounter with my ooooh so hoooooot dreamboy - Chris Tiu: the daily supplement. I can never get used to seeing him every single day at SOM Mall. He always always completes my every school day. Well, the thing is, Laine had to talk to him for this Athletics Council event that she was heading. While they were talking, I was just there standing beside Laine, staring at his face. Yuck Daryll. Starstruck?

No. I was just stunned. I couldn't hold my panties.:D We postponed our shrieks up until we reached the bathroom in expression of our undying love for that guy. I mean, c'mon. He's such a sweetheart and any girl would be so freakin' lucky to have him.

After that, we had dinner at The Old Spaghetti House, had our share of pasta and kwentos with the rest of the Core (the boys came from the movie), JV and Ryan. We went back to Ateneo to watch the play.

I couldn't help but falling asleep on the first part, not because it was boring but sadly, I was really tired at that time. Good thing I was still able to gather enough strength to watch the remaining part of it. It was really good. Yeah.

Oh well. Gotta work on the all-nighter now.

Cheerios:p

Summer heat wave.

I can't wait for summer.

Omg. It's so freakin' hot today. It's the start of the summer heat wave. It was wrong to wear a shirt, jeans and chucks today. Aaaaah! I'm dying!

I was supposed to finish my lit paper here in Matteo because I had one hour to spare an hour ago. But because there aren't a lot of functional units here and I still had to wait for the WiFi, I'm starting just now and I don't have plenty of time left. I guess I'll just have to fix whatever problems there are in this blog and then leave off for training. Whoopeee! I missed training. I'm going to have a blast later.:)

It's 10 minutes before 4 and I have to walk under the heat of the sun all the way to the covered courts. I'm sooo dead.

Oh well. I just know that this week is a lot more hectic than the past even though I consider it such a hassle. I guess I have to double my efforts and there's no room for slacking off now.

Later:)

Kissed by the wind.

I am back to my nocturnal lifestyle. I stayed up until 2 in the morning trying to get some things done and I was 70% successful. If only I had the strength to combat my urges to sleep I might have crossed that particular thing to do out.

I think I'm getting fat. I mean c'mon now. I jogged around school last Friday morning and my stamina was soooo weak. The heat of the sun or my lack of training and exercise can be either held responsible for my sudden migraine attack but it can only mean one thing: I'm not fit anymore and I'm too stressed. I can never seem to find time to do other things which aren't related to deadlines and shit. Aaaaaack! I'm so tired of this.

I may have had an overdosage of sleep for the past weekend but I can't deny the fact that I still am struggling to win my emotional and mental stability back. I'm still morbid and manically depressed. I don't know what's happening to me. It's not the caffeine and it's not the lack of it. Just locking myself up here in my room and sitting in front of the laptop drifting away seems to worsen my condition.

I want to get a glass of juice to at least heighten my spirit with the additional sugar intake but I think I have to cut down on the fat and sugar. Grrr. I don't know. A glass of water at the very least will help me feel better.

I looked outside the window this afternoon as I finished the 9th episode of Season 4 of OTH and I was hoping to see him. Or just you know, imagined his figure walking up to our gate and being friendly with me, as if nothing's happened. Yes. I still am hoping. Shit.

It's still early and I have a paper to do. Wish me the best of luck. I'm sort of looking forward to an unusual week because of the many things to do inside and outside of school.

Cheerios.

Rendezvous with no one.

It's 12:35 a.m. and I'm here in my room typing my life away. I have a pile of books waiting to be read and reviewed, a stack of paperwork to be organized and a list of things to be done. My mug (given by him) is oozing with steaming hot coffee aroma and a bag of fat free and sodium free strawberry marhsmallows is beside my laptop.

The week was okay. Maybe if I went to the AIESEC Maffia Party tonight then I wouldn't be locked up in this hollow space left to contemplate on my misery. Too bad I'm not in a bar with a lot of amenities right now: sizzling hot guys, free alcohol and cigarettes. Imagine the picture. It's every lonely girl's dream of a narrow escape from the world of solitary loneliness.

Valentine's Day wasn't as bad as I thought would happen. My friends and I agreed to wear black as a sign of non-conformity with everybody else's mushy red heaven. Couples were all over the place, as well as people holding bouquets of flowers, cakes and fancy gifts. I greeted each one of them with a disapproving frown on my face.

We had the long-awaited and well-prepared for Mathapalooza for Calc class. (I really love Sir Joey's class. It's the only thing which keeps me going in Math 19) It was really fun.

After that, we went to Seattle's Best to have our dateless group study-date. - yes it's weird to actually make a name for the thing that we did by putting those three words together. But it's true! It was a group assembled together to study in a food establishment (specifically in a coffee place) with no dates. Just with friends. I love my fab girlfriends.:)

When I got home, our dinner was pasta. It's as if Valentine's was a special occasion. I pretended that it was getting all romantic and stuff so I just had to bear the remaining hours of that day with the right amount of reviewing and sleeping. The next day was hell.

Thursday was the dreaded LT in Math. I was quite confident with the lesson because I found it a bit easier than the previous ones. But something happened with The Core because of the putting to compromise classes issue and then that...

Sabaw pa rin ako during and after the test. I have no idea what I got because I forgot to get it last Friday. Friday was okay. Kinda ordinary. Nothing new. The only perk was that we went to Cantina to have a brief reflection on our emo lives with a bottle of beer in hand and a big serving of quesadillas and nachos each to satisfy ourselves. Whopee.

Then today. My friends and I scouted for gifts for our darling Lanna. It's one week before her party and everyone's making the last minute preparations for it. I spent the whole day with one of my bestestfriends. Gawd I really missed her. We just shopped, walked and ate the afternoon away. Even if I got a major headache during the trip back home and I got bankrupt for spending a lot on unnecessary stuff, it was really worth it and fun to have spent time with her again. I love you Bhi.:)

So when I came back here, I had a minor party discussion with my parents and some appointments for next week's events: my party for Lanna's debut and my brother's Senior prom.

We watched the last episode of OTH's Season 3 at Bhi's house and practiced a little for our song number.

Back in here. I feel a little of the pain gone as I was typing the recollection of what happened this week. But I really can't help feeling astonished at myself for crying because of what I saw in Bhi's phone. Okay. I know I'm supposed to spare her a little privacy with her messages but I looked around and read some of their conversations. (Bhi and Bro) While I was having a run through of the messages, I suddenly went back in time. I remember when I was hearing and saying most of the words because of our fights and misunderstandings - the verbal retaliation and the talk shits, our sweet nothings where we would always assure each other that we'd fight for our love no matter what, our random talks about the most trivial stuff and the things that happened to us while we were apart. And at that moment, tears came flowing.

I know that I have convinced almost everybody that I am happy now. Don't get me wrong, I really am. This is one out of the 20% chance when I am bound to have breakdowns because of this. Shit. I miss him. Once in a while I feel it. Unlike before, it kept haunting me like crazy.

This proves that I have improved throughout the months. It's been a short while after all, but I guess I have somehow learned how to deal with it. I'm glad I am working my way towards attaining self peace.

And one more thing. I found out that he viewed my friendster profile. Before I illogically figure out what it means, I stopped myself from wanting to know why he did it. Maybe he has the same reasons as mine and I can't condemn him for that. I still miss him. I still love him. But the thought of our situation dispells any possible of wanting to go back together with him. That's just too bad.

Okay. I better keep working for my stuff to do.

Kung Hei Huat Choi.:)

Avoiding it like the plague. - in the spirit of Hearts' Day

Falling in Love 101

Before

During

After

It's exactly an hour before doomsday. Unlike most people, I am dreading tomorrow for the first time in almost 18 years of living.

Two years ago and the years preceded it, I couldn't care less. It didn't matter to me if I celebrated Valentine's Day and treated it as a significant day of the month. I didn't mind receiving little surprises during the day and just going on with my usual routine. I spent it with friends and sniffed the aroma of love that was in the air.

A year ago, I was Ms. Cupid. I was lovestruck even though I was stuck with a lot of stuff to do. My work was arranged according to its degree of importance and at that time, he was my priority. It didn't hurt me one bit nor made me neglect any of the things that I was obliged to do because after all, he was supportive with my responsibilities all the way. I decided to make Valentine's a special day for the both of us.

Unfortunately, something just had to happen. I vaguely remember the exact thing which occurred but I do know that it ended the complete opposite of how it started. I was blooooooming with so much love after that. So much for reminiscing.

Looking back after the year that was, I was hoping that the celebrations will be prolonged, not for the sake of maintaining them out of conformity but because every other occasion was a way to celebrate our love. But it had to end so soon. Now this year, even though I tell myself that I'm just back to treating this day insignificantly, I know it makes all the difference. It's the beginning of celebrating all other special days within the year all by myself. Alone. Alone. Alone.

Anyway. The Core had the usual share of emo conversations today as a pre-Valentine bash. Yeah. Now there's this thing called the SAWI founded by... I'm not really sure who but it means Samahan ng mga Atenistang Walang Iniibig. Oh yeah. Poor single souls. Later on, it was added with an N (for Nangyayari) and a U (for Umiibig) so it became SAWINU. Figure it out.

We agreed to wear black tomorrow as a, I don't know, as a sign of mourning I guess? And as a perfect excuse, we're gonna flock together after Math class to have our group study-date for Calc at Seattle's Best.

I'm really tired right now and it's really late. But I still have to stay up because of the stuff that I have to do. My dad just had to drag me along with him to Market2! because we bought his Valentine's gifts for my mom: a bouquet of roses, food and stuff. Then, we went to Lola's house for a while.

Work mode on now. Oh yeah.

I hate to single myself out but I have no reason to be distracted tomorrow.

Screw tomorrow. Oh wait. Before I forget, I received this in my email and it just remained in my mind. Food for thought.

Things to ponder on:

1. Never complain about what you permit.

2. When you heart decides a destination your mind will design a map to reach it.

3. The proof of desire is pursuit.

4. The secret of your future is your daily routine.

5. The problem that infuriates you the most is the one God has assigned you to solve.

6. The size of your enemy determines the size of your reward.
7. Any movement toward order will expose what does not belong in your life.
8. What you can tolerate you cannot change.
9. Your rewards in life are determined by the kinds of problems you are willing to solve for others.
10. Your respect for time is a prediction of your financial future.
11. When you want something you have never had you will have to do something you have never done.

Hemin bread time.

Bitterness ergo remorse.

A spark of hope.:)

If the above two were profoundly intertwined, then I would perpetually be harping on the sole feeling that I have kept for the past few... err... months.

It is depressing that it's only now that I choose to stand up for everything and resist the evil that's been wanting to ruin my life all along. The evil, which came in a pleasant disguise, in the person of a dark-complexioned chinito along with his little devious friends, is now at the mercy of my powers. Ugggh. The thought of it sickens me. Eeewww. Gross.

So I know it's really sad that everything we had and all the time we spent would end up like this; as if nothing happened and we're supposed to avoid each other and stuff. But the thing is, it wasn't my choice in the first place. I never wanted any of this shit. I just settled for what was given in front of me. I never wanted it to end, ever. Until of course now because I can't take it any longer.

I want to say that despite everything I'm going through and the pile of productive work that I have to balance with this, I am so thankful because I am blessed with wonderful friends and family. They sure made me feel better after all the crying and ego tripping. Really now. I love you guys.

So here's another thing that I won't fail to mention in this post and that is the grande celebration that everybody's waiting for: Valentine's Day. It's down to the last two-day count and I bet people are now rummaging their pockets to find money for their ridiculous gifts for their partners. This, I have to say, is an occasion that's not for everyone yet I don't have to feel sorry for myself for being single. I honestly think that it's better than being treated like crap when you're with someone. And that someone can just give you a temporary high, a kind of satisfaction that will leave you empty in the process and will make you suffer like hell.

Let's put it this way. I'd rather that everything that we've been through was more of this unstable rollercoaster kind of relationship than the typical boring kilig and romantic relationship. Had I known that all would be just forgotten and deliberately direspected, then I would've chosen to remain free of all of them. You don't engage yourself in commitments out of fun and out of fear of being alone, but because you want to find yourself in that someone and you want to grow as a person within that relationship.

Guilt and bitterness come in when it becomes too late for you to realize that you have made a complete fool of yourself for letting your selfishness devour and consume every inch of you.

Maybe this time, you have to more sensitive of other people's feelings. Grow up.

As for me, I'm finally free of it all.:)

Love sick.

I have no idea what happened to this blog's side bar by the way.

I'm sort of disappointed with how my weekend turned out. Hmmm.

For one, I was out all day yesterday because of the schedule that I had to follow. I woke up so freakin' early in the morning after sleeping really late last Friday night (because of my friendscapade). We had to go to Medical City because of my brother's check up and thanks to my dad's brilliant idea, we had to be dragged along there so they can drop me off to Ateneo for my stuff to do.

After the short doctor's appointment, we grabbed lunch and headed to school. I met up with Gin, stayed at the smocket and did some last minute reviewing for our orals. Then ma'am sort of saw us so we had no choice but to go in the consulation room already. I got an easy poem and thank God after all the beating around the bush, I was able to pin down the answer. I got a perfect score yaaay. :D

After that, we hit the lib so I was able to borrow some books for my Fil (which I haven't done until now) and then headed to 711 to buy some stuff. Because Gin and I loved Mau, we forced ourselves to shop for unnecessary things just so we can raise an amount of more than 65 pesos for Mau's slam cards. Imagine that. Hahaha:p

Then we went back to watch the play. Overall, it was fine. Not really great but I never eliminated my concession in the first place. I was expecting that it would be boring, most especially because our class had to read the srcipt before watching it unlike all the other classes.

Hmmm. Then the evening was... Full of drowning in sorrow. Nevertheless, things took a turn now. Only now.

I just gave my room a new look today and I was ms. couch potato once again. Although, I am staying up to finish my academic work, I need to make up for the time lost.

So what I can say is, I'm just here waiting for you to need me. Not in a hopeless romantic-martyr-ish sort of way. I'm being a friend. I feel bad for what happened but I can't say I didn't tell you so. Just make sure you'll learn from it okay?

Cheerios.

Polar bears and q-tips. - ultimately pissed.

I write.

Mental note: Because of the oh-so-trivial discussions yesterday, The Core has managed to make sense out of the senseless and even attempted to widen the scope of the emo world that we live in. Thanks to Mico, polar bears are now labeled as the most emo of all the species in kingdom animalia because they are 'fluffy yet deadly.' Thanks to Nik, we had a super duper nonsense debate on whether we should call cotton buds as q-tips or the other way around. Yes, life gets a bit more perky when you hang out with people like my friends. Hahaha:)

So anyway. After a regular dose of my training this week, can I just say that I am really pissed off because of the on the spot suspension of our ADS training? Or I don't know! Had I known that there would be no non-varsity training, I would've gone home and started doing other stuff than staying here and wasting time. I hate it really. Aaaarrrgh. The thing is, it wouldn't really matter if I won't be doing a lot of stuff tomorrow. But no. I still have to come here to have my orals in Lit and then watch The Glass Menagerie. It would pretty much consume the rest of my afternoon. I still have to do my outline in Fil, do some research and study for my Math long test a day after Valentine's Day. What the hell is wrong with my life? Aaaahhh.

On the brighter side, all of the things that I have to do reinforces the fact that I can now feel my purpose for existence. I always keep on saying that I'm so worthless and I'm so unappreciated. Well, nothing beats that than being a bum all my life, hitting on other people and being a professional leecher. Uggh. But I still feel awful.:(

Okay. I have a lot of things in mind that I wanna put here but I guess there isn't really any time for that. Sheesh. I wanna go to Cantina and drink tuloy. Taeee.


Will continue this when I get home.

Such a hotshot.

Wondering why I returned to my ancient lay-out (the one which I resorted to when I still had no idea about html shmuck)?

Wala lang. Kasi it's so Barbie pink and I love it. I'm going to use this until I have finished putting the final touches for my new and improved lay-out.

Anyway, I've been so randomly happy for the past few days that even I get surprised at the notion of happiness for the former damsel in distress. Former? Did I just type the word former? Oh yeah. I guess that just suggests that I am moving on. I really am.

See, the problem with me is that I'm such a psychobabble. I talk a hell lot; mostly about nonsense and ... [EDIT] --> sorry. I had to take phone call immediately so I ended this right away. The topic pretty much concerns the incident so here it goes.

As I remember myself saying in this entry, I am such a psychobabble. My mind seemed to have stepped out of its boundaries and has lost control over my mouth and heart that even if I don't feel and think some certain things, I talk about them a lot like mind-raging issues and I seriously end up regretting the things I say. In short, I don't think anymore. I guess it has been stamped in my mind that every glitch in my life is a product of over thinking and over analyzing things and that doing them just seem pointless at this time. It's like my ability to think has been weakened when my heart was shattered. It justifies that they go hand in hand.

To be brutally honest, I think things are even more complicated now. Things were really better left unsaid. Now that I have come to know the hidden facts, they somehow gave me this 'hope' and something to look forward to if I just continue the actions that I'm doing at present. However, I think that if I choose to go that way, I won't be able to move forward. It's all just a vicious cycle. I feel sorry for myself at that then.

What I have to keep in mind now is that I have to carefully make a decision; one which I will have to stick with until the end. A decision that will determine my direction once I dispose myself to take it. I have to put every single detail into scrutiny and every little thing into consideration.

I am with God in this one.

Vindictive pleasure.

I don't know why I suddenly had the urge to splurge in some bitchy attitude. I think it's the weariness inside me.

Where the wind decides to blow me.

Do you ever believe in the innate goodness of people?

That no matter how bad they seem to be and try to look like, eventually, that sense of enthusiasm and vigor for idiotic youth will soon die out and take its form in a mature sense? That time will come and they will gradually have a sense of the things that are important to them? I don't know. These questions linger in my mind for the longest time now. I doub that I'll ever come up with answers.

In the plethora of young people today, I bet that only a few are deemed to take life seriously. True, there are teensters who are so achieved and empowered that they can pass for this generation's role models. But even if, the majority still choose to delve into matters that are so unworthwhile and are so a waste of time. In short, they'd rather choose to have fucked up lives than having real and serious ones without putting into compromise their youthfulness and all the fun.

This thing has haunted me for a while now.

Yes. What a preamble. I guess what I really want to say is this: I can't wait until forever for him to come back to me. Whaaaat? Don't object. I don't care what other people think because it's only me who knows where I can truly be happy. That place is definitely not without him.

Funny thing is, I realized just some hours ago that I want to stop taking a hike now. I just want to lay back and rest; wait for him to ever want to take the hike with me. For now, it's looking forward to my life back. I was looking at the situation clearer than before when I came home this evening. Then I thought about it, became a bit messed up again. Okay. Whatever. I think I'll just stick with the earlier scenario.

At some point, I'm going to get tired and just stop whatever it is that I'm doing. I feel that that certain point is now.

Sorry.