Ultimatum.

I'm blogging using Laine's laptop. Dito kami ng blockmates ko sa caf. She lent her laptop kasi I need to matterload for my Powermatch later. Hmmm. Grabe. As a matter of fact, I'm not feeling well. I'm not in the mood to debate. Lahat nalang.

Acute depression na to.

I can't do this='c

[EDIT] I'm now here in the computer lab. Arrrgh. May sakit si Ma'am Lumbera that' s why our English class is a free cut. So yun. Since last week, I have had a lot of classes which are either free cuts or wala lang kaya I waste time here. Well, not that I have anything else to do. Sige. I'll just splurge in the privilege of having to blog total, all I can do to vent my emotions is write.

I was at the caf kanina. Carly brought up the topic of depression. Kumusta naman yun. She said she had chronic depression and that it ran in her family that's why her dad had to take medicine. Kate also had her share on it. They were discussing stuff like having to take estrogen and hormone stimulants to ease the body and to make you fall asleep and relaxed. Then Kate said something about how smoking had helped her through her pitfalls. I asked Laine, "Laine, are you gonna get mad if I start smoking to appease my burden?" She just looked up from her laptop and said, "Tingin mo?" -- fair enough. Hahaha. Ewan. I wouldn't do that. It's just one of these days that I would want to device a strategy to become a rebel chic (as some people would call it). You know, the one who's fuming with teenage angst and who constantly feels so misunderstood. I actually have a peeves for that kind of people. It astonishes me that I'm suddenly becoming one now.

I don't know. I used to have this one person who usually understands this kind of ranting issues coming from me. No matter how insane my thoughts were, he'd just laugh me off and then I'd realize how ridiculous I am. But now, no one's there to tell me to calm down and think things over.

It's ironic how I strive to keep myself strong in the midst of all the pressing times this event has thrusted upon me. It's not just a fistful of challenges that would be over in a period of time. It's more than that, because I know, in the back of my mind, that whatever happens will determine how I will be in the near future.

I am plannning to subversively control my life right now. Insurgent ba? Hindi. Hahahaha=p Ewan ko. I actually spent time thinking how this 'time apart' situation is going to help us both. Like you know, in the previous trials we've come face to face with. We never ever gave up, so why now? Doubting is just making the feeling and the situation worse. Ayan na nga eh. Namimiss mo na nga yung tao tapos kung anu-ano pa yung iniisip mo. Ano ba Daryll?

But then, I can't help it. It's one thing to loosen my grasp and it's another thing to completely let him go. What if he really does move on? Kasi from what I'm seeing, he's doing fine without me... and that hurts. -- Naisip ko lang, a lot of questions will still remain. But it would be unfair if I question his love for me for the reason that he's moved on already. Hindi naman siguro ganun. But then, I'm worth it, aren't I?='c

Last night I was watching If Only, One Tree Hill and 13 Going On 30. Sorta helped. But then not. I kinda wasted time crying and all that. Anu ba?

Ganito pala kahirap noh? Yet, I still hope and pray that he won't give up on us. I just know it, pero I still want to make sure. It can get really scary when one morning, I wake up and then I realize that he's walked out of my life forever. He has changed my life completely and I'm thankful for that. If God really made us for each other, then I know, love will find a way. Let's just leave it at that. ♥

[EDIT] Still in school and matterload mode. I'm currently reading topics in the net that would prolly come out later in the tournament. Truthfully, I'm tolly getting nervous. As in. Here are some of the things I have managed to fill myself in since this morning:

1. Political killings, a group of farmers filing human rights cases in the UN against the Phil. government
2. Backlash from Muslims' after the Pope's quotation of a fourteenth cen. emperor
3. Bashing on the sensitivity of Islam and that of Christianty (a BBC inquiry)
4. CAP recovery and whether it should be allowed to relase future sales
5. RP seeking relief from EU after the preferential loss of tariff from its tuna trade(?!)
6. Ay nako. Have to read a lot pa.