It's been quite long since I have updated this. (3 days is a long time) For the past few weeks, I have been quite religious in jotting down my thoughts and feelings but now, I have yet to fill this in with a tragic and life-changing experience.
Maybe it is indeed time that I move on. It's a bit surprising that I'm not the usual on-the-verge-of-a-breakdown chick now that we have finally broken up. I stressed finally because we have done this a couple, no not really a couple but a lot of times already (but we still held on). When we do, I just can't help but feel like everything's falling apart and I become sluggish, grumpy and cranky towards almost everyone. However, I have broken that tradition of mine for the past few days. Simply ironic considering that I should be really crushed for it's the very last time that we gave our relationship a chance. I walk around campus with my friends in my usual kulit and perky mood, nearly like everything's normal and nothing has happened.
His love has made me stronger and it doesn't necessarily mean that I have turned cold and numb towards the pain that this 'parting of ways' has brought me. Of course I'm hurt and even if I wear my happy cheer face most of the time, it doesn't imply that I'm not hurting or that I'm walking away that easy. I am hurting, just not on the outside. Plus, I know no amount of tears can never bring him back unless he decides that on his own. But after how we have discussed matters before we finally decided to stop, I found it hard to press any urges of doing drastic means to keep him. He has expressed his utter desire to be free and so I gave him that. I could have handled things differently but then I didn't, because I know that I would only be fooling and hurting myself if he stays but then remains to be unhappy. Whatever. I'm not really sure why we have flaked out like this. I didn't have the guts to grasp all the unexplainable reasons.
Today is the 23rd and supposedly our 17th month of love. (He texted me this morning and I have no plans of replying or of reminding him of my existence.) But it had to end so soon.
I'm not sorry for myself and for everything that had happened. Maybe not now. Wait until next week. Hahaha=p Basta. I just know that there's a lot to do to continue any rubbish attempts of flushing all of the pain, anger and loneliness out.
This week has just been crazy. School is cool. I miss lib-ing and matteo-ing. There isn't much work to do so I guess I don't really have to stay and hibernate there.
It's also my mom's birthday today so we have our family dinner later. Yeah. I told myself that I will do everything in my power to be busy, lo and behold, my schedule just agreed with me.
I heart myself from now on.
I'm no turning emo - the girl who cries emo tears until she falls asleep, takes out memorabilias and admires all the things that used to be, refuses to let go and face the harsh reality and just starts malfunctioning in every aspect of her life. But I do cry, as justified by the fact that when I walked towards the block table in the caf this morning, Niko asked:
Niko: Ilang hours kang umiyak last night?
Da: Seriously, do I look that bad?
Hahahaha=D
Sige na. Math test tomorrow. Bye.:)
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