Can't wait.

Pardon my meager Photoshop skills. :)

After everything that's been a part of this year, I don't know whether to feel relieved that it's coming to a close or feel hopeful for the brand new year ahead. Blaaah. Later. :)

End of year errr... shout outs.:) Haha.

In this post, only a few identities will be revealed. The rest, I leave it to your flexible imagination. ;)

1. MOM and DAD - I love you. But that joke wasn't funny! Really? An alarm clock and picture frame for Christmas nearly ruined the whole spirit of the holidays - HAHA. I know I've been a good girl this year and I know I deserve something more, di man lang damit or slippers! I know you guys know me enough to give me cheap things that I can use for an awfully long time. And kidding aside, it made realize how much of a spoiled materialistic brat I am for chucking the gift out. That's what I get for snooping around presents.

2. You, I've lost count of all the stupid things I've done whenever I'm around or in contact with you. Half of this year was devoted to making myself more pathetic than I usually am around horrendously gorgeous, funny and not to mention extremely FRIENDLY guys like you. I know I have yet to master the mind of the jerk, but a few more tries won't really hurt. After all, practice makes perfect. Perhaps next time, it'll be easier to resist and surround myself with a force field so no guy like you can work his way through anymore. At least for now I can safely say that even if I predict a potentially harmful future full of interaction with you (say, come Senior year) I can just shrug my shoulders, bat my eyelashes, look away and be too cute for you.

3. You are the most selfish most insensitive little, no BIG prat I have ever met in my entire life. I can't believe our friendship has fallen to pieces because in some weird dimension of time and space, you actually thought that I was your fookin' minion. Well think again miss-I-have-nothing-to-do-better-with-my-time-except-pull-people-down-and-namedrop-brands-and-powerful-friends-for-my-own-security, your self-absorption is making me sick. Sometimes I wonder why and how I was able to put up with you when all you did, regardless of whether you were conscious or not, was put other people down just so you can feel good about yourself. I can't believe that despite the cold treatment, the lessened contact and the sarcasm fully abundant in every conversation, you just don't know how to keep your mouth shut. Instead, you've grown worse, worse than something I could ever describe my hatred for. I'm sorry but you've changed into a person I completely despise and though I cannot bring myself to tell you this straight to your face, I know I am a coward, but I don't know where our friendship falls or if it can ever be the same again.

4. I miss you guys. It's been ages since I last hung out with you. I miss the days when we'd celebrate youthfulness the way we did - sneak outs, alcohol, junk food and lots of laughter. I miss the days when we'd have no qualms about breaking the rules, and no regrets about getting caught redhanded, because we'd always suffer together no matter what. I passed on 3 days without seeing you guys and I'd hate myself if I won't be able to see you before the holidays end.

5. You guys, I'm sorry if I wasn't able to keep my word in showing up for our mini-celebrations. I know I assured you of my attendance but no words could really express how I was feeling over the weekend. The quickest remedy that I had to resort to was isolate myself from the rest of the world until I felt that it was all over.

More... because I'm beginng to feel the weight of today's excitement. Hahaha. And tomorrow's too. SHOPPING, finally. :)

My Not so Christmas Wishlist... and more.

Even if I'm trying to resist the holiday spirit with all my might, (wasted 3 days in bed LITERALLY when I had to cancel attendance from 3 parties, so far - and counting) I might as well write all of my dream items in hopes of I dunno, making Santa Claus hear or whatever pathetic entity there is that grants wishes to hopeless people.

So here goes. :) It's rather long and the major ones might take some time to let go of. (Because I haven't shopped nor gone out to the mall to heighten the feeling of being festive and shopping and splurging my vacation days away.)

1. Belle de Jour Power Planner 2009
2. Black MacBook 160GB SCRATCH - Neo Basic 2178p Series Sleek black, 13in, Intel Core 2 Duo, Windows Vista - LUVING IT.
3. Vera Wang Princess Collection Perfume (FINE! Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue - I know, old school but hello. Its smell is the death of me.) / Moschino Funny or Love Collection SCRATCH but pending, Zen Zest Martini Cocktail Spritz HAHA
4. Starbucks personalized coffee mug
5. iPod touch
6. THAT trip to Indonesia
7. Black and Purple dress from MissCouture
8. Gladiator sandals from Cole Vintage (I don't care if everyone else has it. Haha)
9. Nora Roberts Key Collection Series/ Sex and the City complete DVD Collection/ Dawson's Creek Complete DVD Collection - negotiables. HAHA.
10. A 160 GB Hard Drive from Fujitsu
11. A decent pouch for my camera: fresh from Indonesia!
12. Cocoa Almond Body Butter from M&S SCRATCH! Jergen's Shea Butter Cream! YAMI!
13. A trip to the salon
14. A personal assistant - SERIOUSLY. - STILL LOOKING!
15. A vest from anywhere (but I love the ones from Mango, Crossings, Bayo, Freeway and Market2)
16. A button down plaid dress from Tiendesitas' fashion village
17. A post-it shapes collection/24-color set Staedtler felt pens/Little Ms. printed pajamas/or any pair of pink color :))
18. A pencil skirt from anywhere
19. THAT internship in Central Bank (ridiculous it may sound) or that part time tutorial thing so I can earn mooolah before summer
20. A fookin' better than 2008 year ahead.

21. A new line and new pink phone to help me thrift up! :)
WOOOOH

And if it makes any sense, I really don't want to sound like a beggar right now. But I'm expecting all my presents to stink big time. WHY? Because I snooped around the gifts under the Christmas tree and I saw what my parents are giving me. AND TRUST ME. It's not funny.

So anyway. I know I've exaggerated my rebellious scheming way too much but I'm not that hopeless. As a matter of fact, I plan to give this a chance - 40% more and I think I might change my mind about locking myself in this Christmas. :|

This is the worst Christmas, the worst year and that's an understatement.

It's been one month since I've gone AWOL from this blog, literally not posting anything not even pictures and nonsensical one-word stuff. Mainly because I've been at the peak of my sore happiness of life the bottom half of November and the small beginnings of cheery holiday December... NOT.

$%#&*^$#&%!!!

I couldn't have had anything worse. Everything's conspiring against me that it's like trying to wake up from a recurring bad dream, actually getting up sobbing in the middle of the night.

And can I just say that the only interesting aspect despite this situation is the fact that I have never been this depressed in my whole 19 years of existence. Never have I ever exhausted this much emotion on trivial things, let alone serious matters confronting me.

So the easiest explanation for my absence is, aside from the alarming landslide of work brought about by my 5-major predicament, the inevitable passing away of my laptop. And by passing away I don't mean minor dysfunctional problems. It's the just about the whole thing - the documents and pictures and its capacity to connect to the internet - the very core of my living which have given up on me. (It has happened already twice when the old desktop got reformatted, it shouldn't be new to me by now.) And the bad thing about it is not having been able to back the other files up especially the pictures. Thank God for networking sites where I keep my stash of vanities. But still. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to recover the photos in good quality but oh well...

The worse thing about it was having to carefully deliberate within myself on whether I should allow my brother to actually delete the files and reformat the whole thing. And since I had no other choice, I just had to say yes.

There was of course, another option and that is to get a new one. Now I mentioned the unfortunate instance wherein my lolo had to be rushed to the hospital and he got confined for a month yadayada. I know realize the utmost adverse effect that it had on me - bearing the cost of my dad having to pay for almost every single cent before my lolo was able to go out. MEANING, no money, no grand gift/favor whatsoever this Christmas no matter how dire my need for a laptop is. I wouldn't want to be a spoiled brat and test the limits of our financial capacity anyway. I believe that aside from test of true patience, I keep my aura of being a good girl like that.

BUT to no avail. I'm taking classes in Photoshop and Video-editing as one of my majors at the moment and sooner or later, I have to face the inconvenience of not having my best friend gadget. As a matter of fact, I can feel all the hassle of it now. I had to literally cry my way to be able to get my brother to lend me the stupid desktop in the middle of his Dota session the other day, when I resolutely refused to go Christmas shopping with my parents because I wanted to get work done, ending up not doing anything because I had no computer and eventually ending at 2 a.m. fool proofing our stupid Opman paper.

Now every night, I have to wait for my brother to finish using the computer before I can even step in. *sigh*

Aside from that, this week is just the worst of worsts. I haven't felt the Christmas fever the whole month because I'm always locked up studying for tests which I'm sure I'm going to fail anyway or like attending to work for other people. Like imagine, on my last day I finish at 9:00 p.m. just when everybody else is celebrating Christmas parties and stuff. Annoying how the after party is a mulling-over session over how crappy the Finance test was.

There's even worse than this. Just last week, Dean Ang informed us that he would send 4 of us to Indonesia for this immersion trip in Yogyakarta for two weeks at the beginning of January. All-expense paid except air fare. And as if not to stick it up my face enough, you know what the outcome is. I mean, I wanted to have a taste of a cheap make up for JTA, na pwede na. Because the other students really had it going on in other countries because of JTA. While I was stuck bearing the consequences of my own actions, I really just had no break through and I had to take this opportunity at hand. I haven't had the chance to go out of the country my whole entire life.

I really, sorely badly wanted to go that I even had to force Flip and the other guys to skip class knowing at the back of my mind the gravity of things that I would miss because I'm taking the most units of majors this semester. I was the first to research for cheap flights and the actual possibility of having internet there. Haha. And well my parents went on and on to tell me that Yogyakarta is like Mindanao and all those shallow stuff like it's a foreign country and you know what darling, you're gonna have other chances to travel in the future anyway (I effing hate this because they have been telling me this since I was 3 years old and not a single thing related to these future possibilities have made up for those missed ones, making me still, a sore loser since birth) and getting to the bottom of it, we don't have money.

Maybe I wanted a casual break/extended vacation when I eventually end this hell-ish year this January. Sort of trying to get things right at the beginning of the year and cleansing my aura from the usual "Shit I really wanna die" everyday routine with my friend Bea. (Trust me, it just gets worse everyday.) I thought it was the perfect outlet to cure this seeming depression which has crept up on me the past months.

I mean really, the highlights of my year were being jerked off by 2 guys, bearing the cost of my dad's affair, academic stress, gaining tons of weight and being broke 10 times more than the usual - all these combined together is no laughing matter. What's really pathetic about is not having someone to talk to and actually learning the art of being anti-social: reaching the point when I stopped going out and preferring to stay indoors to make up for sleep loss.

Maybe to other people, it wouldn't really sound that bad. But the feeling of I don't know, emptiness is just there. When all the things that used to matter don't really have any bearing at all by now. Furthermore, I just can't seem to grapple with the thought that somehow and amid the effort the I have exerted to force my life into facing a less bleak future, I wish I know I didn't deserve any of this.

Because it's tiring to know that I wake up everyday to feel that same feeling of nothingness again.

I mean sure, sure. A laptop is a materialistic thing and people survive without it. Or like a trip to Indonesia can feed a thousand mouths. But sometimes, because of my habit of thinking about other people first, I tend to forget myself in the process. I never wanted any of these in the first place and I wouldn't like to make it seem like I just let this all reach down to this... because I didn't.

So this is the feeling of being depressed. Of not feeling the gay Christmas spirit, of not wanting to go out while everyone else is celebrating the festivities.

So this is the feeling when all you do is cry because you keep on expecting the worst and knowing that they are bound to happen. And worse, facing them take place all at once.

So this is the feeling of hating Christmas and at the same time being indifferent to it as if it were a holiday for chosen people. For people who just have it easy, for those who keep proving themselves while letting other people down, getting away with it and still reaping what they don't deserve.

So this is the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen and just keeping tabs on when the year is going to end, not because you want a new beginning but because you just want to look at this year as if it were a distant past, not remembering how it was, the year that was because it never was that good anyway.

Holyfookin' shoes.

iTunes busy playing: Gravity by John Mayer

Tonight, I bury all the feelings that I have for you.

The thoughts I have whenever I get lost in your smile while you animatedly talk to me.

The stupid remarks that slip out of my mouth while trying to come up with a sly move to smoothen the conversation.

I'm gonna forget about wanting you from afar - the only closest distance I ever got to pleading that you even notice me.

I'm gonna let go of all the frustrations that come from the mixed signals that you gave (and you forced me to take) to the simple gestures I desperately wanted to cling to, in hopes of taking things further. A deepening that I longed to have with you the moment you came up to me and decided to

ruin my life

forever.

It just hurts that I have this familiar feeling once again. Of deliberately coercing myself to let go,

because

I'm wanting someone I can never have. I couldn't admit for the longest time that I even liked you

that much.

It's been a long and tedious 4 months and I never thought this game would even last that long.

Thanks for making me feel that something within reach could be impossibly beyond someone's grasp.

I know it's stupid to hear myself sob at the thought of you when you don't deserve any of this.

I don't know why I feel like this, but it's so much worse than I expected.

So tonight, as I cry all these out, I hope that I would (as I always have) allow time to heal these scars again

to take the pain away.

Of gathering sparse hope for my scathed being.

I know this is too much for someone I don't love.

But trust me, I really wanted to.

You just never gave me the chance. With that, you even hurt me by showing me how cruel this world can be.

Not having what you wanted.

Not even a part of it. Not even for a short time for you to believe that there is still such a feeling.

Life and Death.

It's been 10 hours and I've seen 2 people die by far. My lola, dad, mom, cousin and I are still here sitting, waiting for an ambulance to come and fetch my lolo.

My lolo who's been shaking cold for the past 8 hours, merely sustained my dextrose, oxygen and whatever life support that he had beside his elaborately uncomfortable stretcher. The only thing that supported his head was my purple star pillow; the one I got 5 years ago as an exchange gift on a Christmas party in high school. The one which I've been using for sleepovers and camp outs ever since I got it. The one which I unhesitatingly gave my lolo just so he could have even the slightest hint of comfort despite all the wires and tubes connected to his body now.

The call awoke us all that morning. Around 3:30, my tita was badgering my cellphone with a series of calls. Finally picking up, I was dazed by having been woken up to the state of an emergency. My lolo had a stroke and was being brought to the hospital, on a large platter of life and death chances.

I've always been known to be someone who's a really emotional person. A little sobbing here and there is more than enough to start my own waterworks going. And seeing my lolo there, at 7 a.m. in the morning, just 5 hours since he had a stroke or a seizure of some sort, with my lola all fearful and about to lose the love of her life was definitely one of the most heartbreaking scenes I was forced to stand.

They came from Sta. Rosa, like they always do most weekends. This time they were having some bits of my tita's house repaired so that the family can actually use it, or they can actually use it under some prior negotations with my other tito and tita. Friday morning came as a surprise for all of us, especially for my lola, when she found my lolo unconscious, lying beside her soaked in (I don't know how best to describe or say it) waste and other stuff. Not knowing what to do, she called the nearest hospital, allowed them to conduct tests and agreed for the ambulance to take them to the most convenient hospital that they can get to after an hour or so. The doctor happened to know someone from Makati Hospital (this public hospital in Makati) so out of panic and profuse nervousness, she just said yes even if she knew the dangers posed by bringing my lolo to a public hospital.

Of course all her (and our) predictions came true. We were neglected for how many hours, made to wait for simple CT scan results and even refused to be allowed to transfer to a hospital.

To a hospital where you actually understand the diagnosis of the patient. Or even see the doctor looking at the patient to check what he has, for the most part.

I hated everything there.

I hated waiting outside in front of a very dingy and dirty street. Because it's firstly the hospital's duty to at least provide a decent waiting area for all the patients' companions bumming outside.

I hated seeing the patients rotting there. Because there was definitely a shortage of doctors and nurses, a lot of them were forced to wait for their turns (if they even had one) and let themselves fall in line unless they die and get the attention that they deserve.

For the rest of the time that I was there, I did see two patients die. I saw this one woman who was desperately gulping for air when I arrived in the ER the first thing in the morning. The ECG monitor was frantically beeping beside her and her daughters were encouraging her to hold on.

The other one, was a man wrapped in a thick layer of blankets obviously shielding himself from the cold pressure of the room.

I don't know what and how it happened, but both of them passed away come afternoon.

And I was infuriated at that time. I swore that if anything like that happened to my lolo, I would sue everyone in the hospital including those condescending doctors who disagreed and caused the delay of our transfer to a much more decent and humane hospital.

I hate those fucking doctors. I hate how they held their heads up high thinking that they were above everyone else. I understood that they were getting underpaid and that they were rich enough to actually live on that pitiful salary. Underpaid and overworked as my mom said. But you wouldn't exactly consider it heroic if you see them sleeping while doing their reports and ceremoniously passing you to other personnel when all you've been waiting for for the past 5 hours are their fucking documents and the fucking signature so that you can get your patient to a place which can guarantee him more chance to live.

There was this girl who was wearing an ugly pair of Crocs and a Mango tank top under her white vest. I hated her because she was saying all sorts of protocols and was belittling my family for bringing my lolo there and for alarming their ICU staff for nothing. She was questioning why we didn't bring my lolo to PGH in the first place. She was looking at us like we were the same as those other poor families who can't afford to argue with them because they have no other choice but to suck it up and wait. Because they don't have any money to pay for medical attention, and that if this pathetic place can't even render it to them then there's no chance that they'd have it in other hospitals.

But of course we weren't that family. My lola made the mistake to instruct the ambulance to bring my lolo there. We were waiting for the release papers for ages now and it was beyond argument that she being so cocky about it was of no help.

I hated how they looked down on those people. If they thought we were about to fall on our knees to plead that we have the ICU room because we have no other place to go, then I can just shove her all my family's money to actually make her see that we were capable of paying her sorry ass out. We weren't there to gamble with my lolo's life and to be treated as someone that we didn't deserve to be, in the same way that all the other people in the hospital no matter what economic bracket they belonged to didn't deserve their condescending elitist un-doctorly treatment.

And so after 10 years, we were finally able to transfer to PGH, where my tita was able to ask help from her cousin who was a Neurosurgeon. Just what we need. Apparently, the blood clot in my lolo's brain erupted and half his body was paralyzed.

My mom said he was a 50-50 case already. My lola was even saying that his body was so cold in the morning, had she not woken up, it would have been too late already.

We were all clueless. We just wanted him off the floor, out of the cold room and into a comfy private room where he could be treated by all the nice practicing UP Manila doctors in PGH.

All of us were on standby, with the rest of my titas reserving rooms in Makati Med and in PGH.

The ambulance ride was just as terrible. Well if it weren't my lolo in that vehicle, it would have been swell breaking all the traffic rules, doing a huge counterflow in EDSA, being favored by the police and the MMDA for once and taking part in a wild goose chase in the highways of Manila and would have been just as thrilling as a FastandtheFurious movie. But the sound of the ambulance alarm and the throb of my heart reminded me that the reason why we're running this speed was because my lolo had to live. That was it.

At around 6 in the evening, we finally made it to PGH. Where we received outstandingly sound medical attention. The doctorS did a check on my lolo, explained to us his case and immediately prescribed him some medicine after promising us what they were going to cure.

At long last, we were able to go home after ensuring that my lolo would be okay after a couple of days. There's a lot of side notes to the whole story, but you get the picture right.

The day's adventure was another side to life that I would be exposed to not by choice and only by accident just like my mom said.

We're not ready to lose our lolo, not just yet so it was worth all the trouble to make him safe and kicking, enough to ensure that he has enough strength to go through therapy and regain his health.

I have to pray and I have to pray hard. As for that hospital, my lola was right that it was the hospital is the hospital of the dead. However, I don't think we deserved to be treated that way, as if our life, my lolo's life didn't matter.

Screw them for money or for conspiracy. I just don't think no one deserves any of that.

Shadows.

It's 7 a.m. on a Wednesday SEMBREAK morning and for a person like me who has the extraordinary talent to sleep dead shut for more than 12 hours - this has got to be something new. HAHAHAHA.

And while I'm in my room sipping my Sinigang na Hipon soup, snagging my HipHop Abs CD (FINALLY!) I'll try to explain briefly my theory on why I have been waking up so annoyingly early for the past 3 days. :|

I've been having these dreams - mostly about this one person. I know it's weird, perhaps irrationale to blame it on one person. But I don't actually get to choose the people who I dream of, do I? He, IT just happens to be there in my subconscious doing God-knows-what. Mostly my hidden desires (uugh not those) of having yet another someone to share my life with. Kisses and hugs, sweet text messages - the whole package of IT - the one which makes me entirely doomed and sad for clinging to a person who doesn't even know... Who doesn't even know.

And then I get all sad and dreamy, and bothered so I wake up in the middle of the night trying hard to get back to sleep once again. And yes, more often than not I just can't seem to fall back asleep again. I just lay down there, trying to fight any urges to even think about the aloneness... Or whatever. :( :( :(

I'm caught in between ignoring it

and ignoring it.

When it actually bounces back to haunt me. :( This just makes me sad by the minute.

Anyway, after being drunk most of the weekend, yesterday drove the hell out of me. Getting my license (AT LAST HOOORAAAY), drowning myself in sushi for dinner and shopping for food for today's festivities. Since my mom left me in charge and I aggressively refused to go jogging with them, I have to get started with the pasta.

Here goes nothing.

I was so excited 3 days ago after drafting my ideal sched: I had the teachers that I wanted with just the perfect time slots, ample amount of dead air to slack off and remember being human, and study breaks. My sucky random number left me no choice but to vie for the remaining slots in time for the 2nd batch in the online enlistment but of course, I wasn't able to push my luck any further.

THERE WERE NO SLOTS AVAILABLE and MY SCHED WAS IN TOTAL CHAOS when my turn to register came.

But in any case, here it is. I just hope that IF I don't get to load rev, my finance teacher isn't a total sucker and that Mr. Kang Mun Tan for OpMan isn't as bad as what people say. Or else I am going to the pits.

Junior Year 2nd Sem Sched

Bea and I already set up a huge game plan for next sem - that which will actually utilize all of our breaks and devote them to equally allotted portions of bum time, study time and exercise time. We even planned to get a locker so we can put our stash for survival there: pillows, gym clothes, snacks. Hahaha. And, get this, a diet plan so we can prep ourselves up for the impending weight gain that we have to face this holiday season. Of course I have to balance these with meetings and afternoon activities for orgs and other planning stuff. I really can't go home right after my classes anyway. I just have to promise myself to get work done during the free periods. So I guess it's me and my laptop and books and all the studying once again. But then, if I was able to do it last sem, I can pull off just as great this time. :)

UGH. The only thing I'm excited about next sem is having to shop for new school supplies. :|

OHWELL.

Frillyyyyyy.

I'M BACK! For the first time since my break! I've actually had the time to blooooooog about whatever that's welling up inside me right now. Distractions set aside and having accomplished most of my to-do list did great wonders to heave off a heavy burden from my chest. So this is good. It's all gooooood. :D

Since the internet is constantly suffering from disruptions, I might as well type this entry right now. The wifi here at home tends to slow the already shaky connection. So anyway. . .

My absence can only be explained by the lack of time that allowed me to sit around in my room and peruse the normal functions of the net, let alone sleep and give time for myself to relax after a really, can I say really really really stressful semester. But what do you know, my efforts actually paid off. :) Let's save that for later shall we?

Nothing really interesting was happening on my last week of Junior year. If anything, they were really mundane, procedural, rites of passage that formally endowed me with my liberty after the hell that was Junior year 1st Sem. And what do you know? My next semester is just as loaded - only heavier and more stressful and more crucial. Imagine 15 units of majors: Fundamentals of Finance, Principles of Production and Operations Management, Introduction to Multimedia Arts, Introduction to Broadcast Media, Visual Communication for Communication Managers AND Philosophy of the Human. UGH. Good thing we're way past the retention stage already (I calmly and most suitably settled mine) so that gave us less pressure. Now all we need to do is actually PASS and if lucky, make it through SOUNDLY SANE.

The day after my last final (well, not really the test but the Marketing Final Four), I decided to call it a sem and well... rest. But I had to leave the very next day for my Sanggu EvSem. Oh for the love of work indeed. It was kind of a heavy evaluation session since we all but conceded that we'll needto do MORE and be open to possible concussions in the system in the remaining four months of this year's term. Hmmm. The only fun I had in between was the first night when I got drunk and the second night after the dinuguan and puto halloween party which I salvaged then Aggie and I had to stay up until practically 5 in the morning rendering us zombies for the next day. It was all too emotional really.

My Sangooooo Famileeeh <3

But what the heck. Just after two days of rest (which I mostly slept off) I was out again and headed to the beach this time. Small planning was right on the agenda and the whole point of it was for all of us to have fuuun and prop our feet on top of those long body-length beach chairs with a good book to rest our heads on and yes, with the perfect swimsuit on for that delicious golden sunkissed tan.

The only monster which literally ate me was the GINORMOUS amount of food that we ate courtesy of THE powerful JV Roman who was apparently a homegrown in Bataan. Her connections fancied the hungry guests and gave us huge servings of seafood, liempo and all those cancerous but juicy and sumptuous grilled stuff. AAACKKK.

The surefire thing that the trip brought was the immediate bond that formed out of the never-ending kwentuhans, the illegal hotel indoor inumans and the stargazing by the beach where we actually romantically and hopelessly sighed at the shooting stars that we chanced upon. *AWWW*

One exciting addition: Alexis' waterproof camera.

And yet again after one day when I had the chance to recover my sleep, I was about to leave again for Camp Explore for one of my life changing involvements: The Ateneo Student Leaders Assembly. At first I was actually feeling the reluctance in having to go and spend an entire week doing the stuff I thought I already knew, coming from a week that drained all the energy remaining in me. But of course all of this changed within the span of 5 days. The good food, company and all the nerve-wracking and life transforming insights that I was able to get a hold of were priceless.

Imagine getting up in the ungodly hours of the morning just in time for breakfast, going through talks and GDs, small group sharings, big group challenges, immersing with the Dumagats (Aetas of the Antipolo hillside), finishing sessions at like past 12 even up to 3, being locked up in a cabin with all of the delegates for an entire night, sleeping under a ceiling full of freakishly weird insects, braving horror stories, NO CELLPHONE SIGNAL FOR 5 DAYS and not taking a bath for a whole day. OMG. These are just the minor stories behind my whole ASLA experience. Compared to what I am ready to bring to the whole world, well yeah, they are a bit tiny.

One batch: ASLA 7. :)

And so it was after that I really had the chance to hang around. NOT. My dear friend Ria just had to come home from Iloilo and bring a friend with her. So I took them out to Bureau last Saturday night [where I fookin' got picked up and fancied on by a fookin' red-haired Australian (okay sorry, I don't mean to discriminate)]. He was just really WEIRD and AGGRESSIVE. I know I don't have the best of luck when I'm around guys because I tend to always go for the familiar - the jerks. And much to my dismay, I've never taken a liking on repulsively offending and aggressive guys. EEEWWW. For me, they spell E-G-O.

And then the next day I had to take them out to the Manila Ocean Park - which SUCKED by the way. I wouldn't want to give it a review. The absence of order and sharks and whales really disappointed me. I really won't recommend people to visit that place. Not just yet.

So now, after two days, what could I have been possibly doing aside from fixing my next term's schedule, preparing a menu for the sleepover and ussing over all the clutter in my room, (that I promise to clean before the slumber party!)? Well, the rain and the sweet cold air was completed by my two-day sitting of Breaking Dawn. YEZZIR. I finished the book in just two sittings - one whole night and one whole early evening (with Burger Island breaks in between).

I will never get tired of bumming. In my defense, I finish my work anyhow!:)

Anyway, I'm sooooo psyched that I finished the saga already and I'm moving on to more more more good reads. I'm heading to the less mainstream this time - like this one that Aggie recommended: My Sister's Keeper which is a tearjerking novel. But before that, I really need to scoop up those premiere night tickets for the Twilight Movie. I am so dying to see it however it comes out. :)

My to-do list says I'll be spending my Halloween a bit differently this year. I usually spend it indoors with a bunch of my close friends with chick flicks and stuffed pillows. But because Laine has decided to host her 20th in Fiamma, I might as well sport my best costume (I'm planning fairy because I've always wanted to but never got the chance to be one) and just enjoy the night out. And then the day after that I actually invited a few of my HS friends over for the ultimate cookover slumber party: Mexican dinner, cupcakes and cocktails and Italian brunch the day after.

A lot of stuff's lined up actually. My dad's birthday next week and then 2 more weeks before school starts. Everything sped by so fast that I really have to grab everything and enjoy each bit of it. Till then. <3

Super ANNOYED.

I don't know, however you get through with your habit of annoying people by saying things you don't mean to, or by making sure you'd get the answer that you want while implying any other thing.

I don't know why you even think that I care that much to even BOTHER feeling this way when I almost, almost convinced myself to dismiss any thought related to you and then you just happened to come waltzing back in.

And I don't know how the hell I am going to figure a way out of this crappy sensation of worrying sick about what you really want to happen.

I just know that I want to.

Because I don't know what will ever happen if this goes on any further, given that you're being the UNPREDICTABLE and ANNOYING you.

You know that that pretty face can only get you as far as you may want to. But not even half the distance to any other girl's heart.

You don't even give them the chance to know what's underneath that face.

Just don't try too hard. Please. If it's not me that you want, then don't even bother wasting any second of your precious time convincing me that you actually do.

Oh. Sorry. I guess that was all me. I thought there was something. At least that's what you wanted me to do.

Happy now?

WOAH.

I need one o' these.
Okay, don't jinx it. :)

From this day forward...

I promise not to stalk you anymore.

I promise not to think of you anymore.

I promise not to feel pathetic because I miss you everyday.

I promise not to talk about you with my friends.

I promise not to expect anything anymore.

I promise to pretend that you never even existed.

I promise to keep it cool and to stay beautiful.

I promise to make you sorry for what you did, and did not do.

I promise to keep all of these promises until I finally get over everything related to you. <3

I just finished adding new gadgets to my Google widget. HAHAHA. I feel so happy seeing my new cat analog clock, dictionary and my countdown before Christmas applications. Ang BABAW ba? Get lost. Please. ;))

Choclit fondue.

You've covered me with enough sweetness to make my insides crumble.

Just because I know I could never get enough of you once I start to dig in.

And doing so would mean the very death of me.

So take my grubby hands off your luscious promise of sweet and savory goodness.

But don't leave me craving for you.

Leave enough room for my palate to get cleansed and renew its taste.

Because I know you don't intend to stick around and linger.

Gloomy.

It's been exactly 3 hours after we've finished our mock defense in Marketing. Now I'm sitting here like a duck (doing my Philo paper on Les Miserables) with Bonbelle (Pepsi poweeer! ;p) in a deserted classroom waiting for our consultation, with a potential gagging feat after finding out what our labor of love the whole day yesterday has brought us.

And now the dreaded next week. Papers, deadlines, more final defenses galore. :| I could just imagine it. The week after that is no different, more reviewing and then final exams. Then we are all set for freedom.

This space has been quite empty for quite some time now, much to my dismay. Even my multiply has been barren of albums. :| I swear it's just so disengaging. :( Thank God our dsl has been installed again. (Screw you PLDT people, if I were you I'd run for it.) So tonight after this brief modeling thing in Alchemy [HAHAHA. I know. Side note, this is all Reg's idea. I don't even know how she convinced me to come] I might as well enjoy the whole day tomorrow and REST.

I promise, I will get back to work soon. :) I'm gonna continue my disrupted One Tree Hill first. ;p

Ultrasound.

DISCLAIMER: Things can get nasty.

Yesterday was one of the most tiring yet most fun day of my life. Aside from spending the entirety of it with my mom, I got to bond with both my parents somewhere other than home. Though I would like to skip some parts of it, those were the particular stuff that made the day rather eventful.

My day started in Medical City, in Starbucks where I actually convinced my mom to drink coffee with me (well okay, not quite. She wasn't allowed to take in anything because she was about to have her checkup so she watched my gulp down my Caramel Macchiato instead) and then a flood of unwelcome (at first) information was brought up concerning family, family and more family. All I could say is, someone HAS GOT TO PAY.

It could be you. *evil laugh*

After which I proceeded to the reason why I was there in the first place - to have my check up because I haven't had my period for a whopping 5 months. (YES I KNOW.) But don't worry. If I were pregnant, I wouldn't have the guts to even go see a doctor - with my mom. So you know I'm not doing anything bad and dirty. I was just worried about having to manifest the wrong signs: weight gain, break outs, PMS and overly unstable emotions - all supposedly pointing to the regular mentrual cycle but without the red stuff? Perhaps it's the imbalanced hormones at the very least. But I don't know for sure.

That's why I decided to consult with an Ob-Gyne. The funny thing was that after her short interrogation, I was supposed to be examined via transrectal ultrasound. Now I know it sounds fairly innocent especially if you're as ignorant as me but can I just say that I've never experienced something more unpleasant or horrid as that?! Never mind the oggling middle-aged pregnant women who were there thinking like I was some kind of naughty kid who was about to have an unwanted pregnancy. There was so much more than what I expected.

Okay so I had to wear a gown (hahaha, notice how I managed to take a wacky picture inside the bathroom.), take off my pants and proceed to this semi-freaky room full of gossiping [Ateneo] interns and pretty female doctors (THANK GOOODNESS). And then I had to lie down, take my underwear off and BAM. Show them my treasure box. WOOOOOOT. Not only that, my lying position didn't make things any better since I looked like I was actually about to give birth (with bright lights underneath and sheets covering my legs which did little to conceal the extreme exposure).

AACK. So fashion. :))

AND THEN. The intern asked me: Is it your first time? At the back of my mind I thought, Of course bitch it's my first time. Hahahaha. Why else would I act so nervous and freaked out?

Then she smiled and said, Don't worry. We do this to even to kids all the time.

RIIIIGHT.

Fo shizzle. Now let's get this over with.

True enough, I saw the device that they were to stick up in my a**. It looked like a ****s, only slimmer and longer complete with a rubber that very much resembled a condom and a lube to help it slip through.

BOY. Those were the longest 5 minutes of my life. It felt kinda painful particularly cos I could feel the doctor twisting the thing in order to get a clearer view of my system. I could just care less for whatever they saw in there as long as they pull it out and just finish it. GAAAAAHHH.

So anyway. I'm getting the results next week. I hope it's nothing serious - just pills to help me lose weight and maintain a clearer skin. I know even if it's a bad thing to have an irregular period, I will reap the benefits of drinking birth control afterwards. On the other hand, if it requires going under the knife (which I haven't experienced EVER), then...

HOMY. :(( Please pray for me.

More to the day. :) The more fun part was having lunch with my mom and dad at my dad's office in Meralco. He treated us to Substation, this newly built restaurant beside their canteen. Food was quite good. And then after that my mom went with me to Galle to help me buy shoes but to no avail! Service was bad in that mall! Whatever happened to it?

Then we headed to SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission) to get financials for my Marketing group. Went back to Meralco afterwards and grabbed buffet dinner in Megamall because we had to wait until coding was over.

I grew up watching these gigantic fish in the pond in Meralco. :)

Then my Thai neighbor threw a party.

Imagine the tons of food I was ablet to chug in one day. :)

WAAAW. So that's it. I should go back to my paperS now. <3>

I can smell a bonfire.

Oh baliktad pa yung clapper. It's supposed to be: Impossible is Nothing. :))

You know I could just smell it.

THANK GOD MY FOOKIN' Thursday presentation got canceled. :)

Blitzkrieg.

Out of sheer boredom and awe, I developed a liking for taking pictures of my favorite part of the day: Twilight.

The only reason why I'm doing this despite my usual cramming-session-because-I-fell-asleep-again -last-night is the due to the consolation that I will definitely feel after I compose this entry. It's been what? Two whole weeks and I have gone that long without writing even a brief narrative of my ultimately complicated life.

DUHUH.

After weeks of no sleep, n sticks of cigarettes, n amount of expenses, tons of foooooood and, a weird event and tons of other stuff. It's quite surprising how words seem to fail me as I type certain entries and it's been days since this last one's been saved in drafts.

Now let's make pit stops and take note of the finer, more memorable things.

1. HECTIC schedule - still underway. Since it started some weeks ago when I was plagued by consecutive deadlines and tests, it hasn't stopped yet and will, in fact, continue to move up to the last stretch of the final week. There's a big chance for me to retain this state of weariness (though you couldn't exactly call it that the past days) until I'm actually sure about my grades and standings. Considering the spill of events last summer, I think I'd rather not set my expectations high this time, but should, at the very least, pass all of my required stuff so I don't go begging for my course again.

Sneak peak.

b. Events to remember - Happy to say that all of the toiling, unhappy, smocket-ful and sleepless nights with Aggiedor paid off. I sooooo lalalaloved the party (and all the things in between and supposedly AFTER), the GK build and the closing ceremonies - all of which I tried to squeeze in my academically uptight schedule.

Congratulations to the whole team.

c. Physical and emotional distress - yesterday I was feeling queasy during my POS class. It was after I smoked a stick and rushed to class because I thought I was running late. During the activity where I had to struggle for the apt allocation of power with Aids and Wesley (I was supposed to be the middle playing Britain), I felt a sudden lurch in my stomach and immediately felt the urge to run to the nearest bathroom. Which of course I did. After seeing the remains of my pesto pasta lunch, I decided not to attend class anymore, to eat on time and... to stop smoking at that. :))

Emotional? Well. I don't know. I guess it's a bad case of... this rerun which keeps on playing in my head when I actually thought the DVD was already jammed and would not play again ever. But then I was SO SO SO wrong. Because something in the past actually came up to me again with more intensity. I don't want to commit the mistake of thinking too much about it like the last time but I couldn't help but feel the same feelings that I had for that person. :| OHFLEASE.

d. Pending things. - Well a lot are. 'Specially the photos of my adventures for the past whole month. It's just so weird that the semester's coming to a close already and I'm halfway through Junior year in less than 3 weeks. You could just imagine the number of albums I haven't been able to publish due to lack of time and lost of interest. Hahaha. I don't have anyone to report to anyway.

e. Breaking Dawn - is the only book I haven't read since I started the Twilight mania. I've tried my best to keep it moderate and still accomplish tasks whenever I grab a book. Though success was fairly
minimal, well... Whatever.

LOVE.

WOHOO.
There's still a lot that I want to write about but I've already forgotten about them at this point.

A couple of things to look forward to:
a. UAAP championship!
b. SHOPPING
c. FINALS
d. SEM BREAK

I desperately need time alone.

Because I've been spending too much time distracted lately, balancing offhand chores and don'ts, I think it would be better if I actually accomplish as much as I set for myself.

So wait. Later. :)

Towards the end.

I'd like to see where all of this would take me please. :(

Twist and turn.

Thanks to lack of sleep, I can feel my eyelids starting to droop and my speech starting so slur. I have a dry run for an event in a matter of minutes, a test on the Magna Carta in the next few hours and a joint session until late in the evening tonight. AND I DON'T CARE. My morning was too crazy a pitfall to get the day started right.

Imagine this. I stayed up all night just so I could finish the first part of my theo orals (of course, since I wasn't able to study due to my POS midterm exam). Then I firmly decided on cutting my CS lab class (even after a case of bad midterm grades) just so I could finish the rest, as I saw no available slot to squeeze in any study time in between my afternoon meetings and assemblies.

AND THEN. Halfway through the first period of my CS class, I found out that we had to submit a graded database exercise. :((

WORSE. My class and orals both got canceled.

SO. I ended up in the library crying my poor heart out. :'|

UNTIL. I found my friends who, of course never fails, cheered me up. :)

Now I'm staring at what was seemingly a potentially draggy day. A bit better than what I expected though I could have used the sleep.

And now off I go. Duty calls. :)

Just one more.

Why hello there. <3
(My POS 100 readings for my midterms - yes, all three. Just one subject. Just one test.)

Okay so the worstS may be over. I cannot begin to describe how much of a hell this week has been. I've been running around school (even reached Taguig at one point last Wednesday) in order to complete the madness. I may not know the grades I have garnered throughout the entire adventure but it's sure as hell relieving that the week is coming to an end.

This weekend has its own complications due to the lack of definite plans but I don't care. I JUST WANT THIS OVER WITH. I may not have tickets to any single event but I do have money to pay the scalper. Hahaha. :))

So I'm currently taking a break from my tedious oral reviewing spree. My right hand is trembling after 7 index cards and a thick height of binder pages I've managed to flipped through. OHTHELIFE.

Checklist:
a. Philo Orals - not so bad.
b. CS defense - nailed it.
c. CS midterm - GROAN.
d. POS midterm - haha. All that reading for nothing.
e. Theo Orals and quiz on Canon Law - one last. :)

Please please please. I'd be more than glad to call on the weekend: update my online accounts, do more stuff, party, buy clothes, shoes and NEW MOON! :D *tears of joy*

Just this week.

Not even halfway into the week and I'm already turning into a madman. No. Seriously. :)) But whatever. I've been a ranting raging machine for the past two days and it's getting tiresome already. Mental note: save up for Friday - you are so having a massage. <3

And then the weekend which is pretty much packed too.

And then next week. :)

Just this one thing worth sharing that made me really happy today. :D

2 September 2008

Daryll M. Santillan

III BS CTM

Dear Daryll,

Congratulations! You are one of the participants chosen to take part in the 7^th Ateneo Student Leaders Assembly.

Once again, we would like to thank you for having chosen to apply for ASLA Batch 7. We know how tedious it was to fill up the long application form and to go through the panel interview. We commend your efforts in stepping up to apply as a leadership act in itself, and we hope you do too.

After weeks of deliberating through 60 applicants, we in the ASLA Core would like to welcome you into the ASLA family. Congratulations! You are now a part of ASLA Batch 7!

To personally congratulate and welcome you, we would like to invite you to our Welcoming Assembly on September 19, 2008, which will be held at the MVP Basement from 5:30pm – 7:30pm. Here you will meet your fellow batch mates, and we in the ASLA Core will finally have a chance to meet you. We will be giving you additional reminders about the Congress, so it is important for you to come. Your attendance in this assembly will also confirm your participation for the ASLA Congress.

Should you be unable to attend the Assembly because of an academic commitment, please let our Secretariat Team know on or before September 8, 2008 by sending an excuse letter to asla.secretariat@gmail.com. Only those with valid reasons will be excused from the Assembly.

Once again, Congratulations and we hope to see you soon! God bless!

Sincerely Yours,

Margarita Patricia R. Valdes

Program Director, ASLA 2008-2009

Joseph Anthony M. Quesada

Program Adviser

--
Secretariat and Alumni Relations Team
Ateneo Student Leaders Assembly
asla.secretariat@gmail.com
http://www.aslaonline.net

And then the most romantic part of my day was over, just like that.

Dear Santa,

This will probably be weird for you, receiving a letter from a frustrated girl 2 months earlier than the universal time agreement on gift requesting. But since you're the closest thing I can imagine next to a friendly unjdugmental papa figure who's been literally around the world, can I please ask you to be one of my confidantes just this one time? Okay, here goes. Belt out.

Santa, I'm sad and broke and I don't know what to do in the coming week - how the hell I am going to juggle all the things that I'm supposed to accomplish (with utmost excellence) without losing my sanity in the process. All I could think of now is to grab a book, flop down on my bed and READ. And because it's timely I guess, Santa, why does every bookstore have to practically scream Twilight Saga on its window display? Wrong timing for Breaking Dawn to be released this month I guess. Or wrong timing for my hell week to barge in my peaceful string of obsessions. If I may first add to my basket of goodies, I would like to have the complete series of the book please. You can give it to me as a reward since I've been very good at suppressing any urges to forego studying and just read read read. :)

Another thing. So I was sitting on one of the school benches this Friday. This guy whom I haven't talked to for the longest 3 weeks of my life suddenly wanted the attention and decided to call out my name. To... bring up a topic he'd ever so predictably choose in order to save himself the small talk. Why do guys like those Santa? What happened to the witty, smart, awfully good-looking, humble and gentle guys that your factory used to make? Would it be much to ask for one decent guy who'll sweep me off my feet? It's not really pressing Santa, nothing really serious. It would be good to come across a guy like that for a change.

I would also like to have good grades by the end of the semester so everything will finally pay off. Please Santa. It would help me so much to know that all my efforts don't go to waste. My friends and I agreed how much of a challenge Junior year seems to be proving itself. The stress, the cigarettes, the Matteo campouts, the food binging, the lashing out - there can never be enough proofs for this. It would be comforting to know that everything's well-deserved and worth it. I'd like more coffee to go with that, and more will power to resist the smocket as much as I can.

Lastly, my list doesn't really end here Santa. But I hope I can write you again sometime. Because I have more requests. I know I'm sounding like a spoiled inconsiderate brat. But I really think I deserve to have these. LALALALALA.


<3,
Daryll


HAHAHAHA. :)) Okay study away now.

Be back before sunrise.

Yummy. :)

'Cos I think I will literally have to put off my essential need for sleep in the coming week. Let's take a glimpse of what's ahead shall we?

September 1 - 5, 2008

a. Monday [8:00-8:10 ] - Philo orals
b. Tuesday [1:50 - 2:20] - CS 30 oral defense
c. Wednesday [6:00 to 7:30] - Cs30 Midterms (the forever damned test. HAHAHA. It's a sign not to push through with it)
d. Thursday [4:30 to 7:30 ] - Polsci Midterms
e. Friday [5:50 to 6:00] - Theo orals

- a treat for every delightful day of the week. :)

Props to Sir Gabby for moving the 3rd pass of Marketing originally set on Saturday. One less thing to worry about.

Talk about the mother of all HELL WEEKS. Not only that, an event after and more more more deadlines. The bad news: no side reading for me. I don't have any license to hold a book unless it's a Philosophy book or a POS reading.

The good news: I don't think there's any. :)) But oh well.

Wish me luck. <3

Is getting some.

In many aspects, I would consider myself a very frustrated writer trying to imitate the styles I'd become familiar with upon reading various books, applying them to my blogs, any other existing forms of doodling and whatnot. And since I am quite sure that the person behind me (here in Matteo) is snigggering at the site of my blogging cahoots, (thanks to my ginormous LCD display of a laptop) I think I may cut this lame attempt to sound like Bella of Twilight or the mysterious Gossip Girl. HAHAHA.

So what have I been up to lately? Nothing much. I've been pretty cooped up since I decided to join the bandwagon and embrace the hysteria myself. YES, just like every year when I go on a hiatus and ceremonious crashing, I tip myself off a great deal of overdose when it comes to my flair of addictions. Last year it was Gilmore Girls (which took me a long time to forget until I was eventually strong enough to keep those dvds away) and now this year, thanks again to my good friend Teptep, it's Stephenie Meyer's bestselling novel since 2005, Twilight series.

Hence the cliche: My exact brand of heroin.

And what's really been up and going about this is the fact that I've found myself another distraction (and the last thing that I need is one) that will keep me totally insane for the weeks to come. It's like having a multiply personality disorder wherein I battle among all the persons that I have to be and want to be. On the one hand, I have to prioritize and attend to all my responsibilities and on the other, I just want to lock myself up and be absorbed by the story. Of course at this point I would have to embrace the casualties of almost always being a full-pledged loner, having to do things on my own and occasionally miss the hype of being social, and all. But what's the worse could happen, if not self-inflicted depression bourne out of the absence of another sane being to converse with? Hmmm.

I have: 2 oral tests (Philo and Theo), a midterm exam (in Pol.Sci.), a 3rd pass (in Marketing) and an oral defense (for CS 30). This is rather a chunky feat for me to handle with two bare hands. So I don't know how, or in any other way, I could combat the urge of storming the bookstore and buying the complete series and bury myself along with it.

Just like I did the whole weekend. Let me just say that engrossment is a total understatement. I've been mesmerized, smitten, dazzled at how a novel could be intricately written, enough to sweep off the reader's feet. Coincidentally, a hopeless romantic like me can't help but be stuck in the realms of alternate reality that this love story can provide, wishing a thousand times that I could just be in the shoes of Bella and that I could find my own Edward.

Or something like that. While the idea might be compelling, staying hooked on this night and day is causing me some form of life disorder, driving me more insane by the minute.

Teptep started her own hysteria months ago and I ended up ignoring it because I actually thought I had better things to do. But oh, that fateful Saturday night when I decided to ditch a party thrown by someone so close to my heart, I started leafing through the pages and ended up bringing the book home. And there it started.

Could you blame me if I choose to isolate myself and focus on getting over this phase in the meantime? Ha ha ha. It's like one among the others. A sudden addiction that's definitely going to make my heart overpalpitate in the extreme. And how much time I would allow this to consume me, I'm not quite sure unless I muster enough resistance to blur the lines between reality and the other world.

LOL. I must be freaking myself out. :)

There's a movie for this you know. I've only read the first book - 3 more to go: New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn and Stephenie Meyer's up and coming Twilight from Edward's point of view (whose rough first chapter I was able to read) Midnight Sun. I'm sure I'll get over this once I finish reading the 4th. God please help me resist the claws of evil just for the coming two weeks so I could focus on my event and academics.

Unlike Bella who's risking her life for the man she loves, I'm very much ordinary than her to the point of tediousness. I haven't found my Edward, or anything that's even a quarter of what he's supposed to be.

Most importantly, I have a super mortal life to live. The one that can't afford to be compromised over a really overwhelimg book, no matter how great it is.
YOWN.<3

Books, bestfriends, booze and best days make me beeery happy.

1. KTV
2. BOOZE
3. WORK
4. PANEL INTERVIEW
5. WORK
6. STAY OVER
7. WHITE CHOCOLATE CHEESECAKE
8. RAINY DAYS
9. NO CLASS
10. BEST FRIENDS

and TWILIGHT.

I think I'm hyperventilating. <3 No parties just this yet. I'm just a novice at the obsession. Pictures and details soon. I don't think I'll be glued to the laptop for a while.

Bust it babyyy.

Today because I failed to get any decent amount of eye shut, the skies allowed me time to buffer and get a hold of myself by pouring in a heavy amount of rain. And as if that wasn't enough, I wasn't able to muster enough energy to visit the vendo and buy myself my regular dose of caffeine, so it rained harder.

So, this morning while cramming tidbits of information in my head in preparation for my midterm exam in CS30, classes were proclaimed suspended.

You know the usual. There wasn't any real storm after all. (Or at least it didn't affect Metro Manila as much as it did in the Northern provinces.) Therefore the day went on with the draggy and damp atmosphere of the rain and cold winds. I was left with literally no one and nothing but my things - a pile of POS readings and papers waiting to be read and written for a very welcoming deadline of tomorrow.

Worse, I just slept a huge portion of my afternoon away because I couldn't keep myself awake in front of my laptop whatever I tried to do.

Thank God for Mark - who was so jologs (hahaha labyew) he didn't know classes were suspended. He went to school to attend his theo class and upon finding out no one...

Ended up studying with me in Matteo. At least there was another human being that I could talk to. Beats having to suck it up while everyone was hurrying to get out of school, I was there stuck in the study hall doing errands.

Hurray for Bacon Mushroom Bits Jolly Hotdog and Crispy Fries. Haylav fastfeeewd.

Good thing is, I'm now back to my feet. Workaholism just seemed to have lagged and have taken a long long long time to reboot. Now I can feel the pressure the the hectic-ness that this lifestyle was supposed to bring from the very beginning.

Now I'm munching on a bar of hello (CALORIES. Watch out you feeling skinny ***ch.) - vanilla in choco - to jumpstart my sleepyhead alterego and help me course through the deliverables of tomorrow and accomplish everything in due time.

YEAHMEN. <3

Currently obsessing over...

YM conversations with the most random people.

AND

Getting flashbacks from Bora (Idon'teffingknowwhy).
Wanting caffeine this early.
Wallowing over the bleak possibility of downGRADES.

Excited to be plum girl tomorrow.
Now back to business.
ALAS. I'm not yet done poring over my midterm notes. :/

Am I allowed to banner any bit of profanity here? !^#*%&@!

CS = contemptible suffering.

Clutter.

It amazes me how, above all things, it's the clutter in my room that takes me forever to get rid of. I plan to clean my room every now and then but with a few successful attempts that make me disappointed in myself more and more. In the end, I just tend to scrap everything out and make do with all the stuff on my bed, my desk and on the floor...

Scenes of the crime. - sige okay lang maturn off kayo. Hahaha.

RIIIGHT.

And then I tried to analyze myself by any sublime means of psychological knowledge that I was able to take up in the last 5 years. Then it dawned on me, that perhaps this annoying delaying tactic related to my everyday trash doesn't only apply to the literal garbage that I own.

If that's the case then it actually makes sense. Now I have something else to blame this idiosyncrasy on. Hahaha. But seriously.

Think: the actual time that I allow this trash to take over my daily affairs is obstructing me from moving freely and letting new things come my way. - YOWN. Saktong philosophizing lang oh.

Maybe that's why I always feel so consumed and congested. It takes me too long to clean up. I don't know if it's choosing to stay stuck with the same pile of garbage - the paper works, the books, the wrappers, the plastics, along with the energy and time I spent on them; or if it's just the numbness that I found in time that I haven't managed to device a new game plan which would dispose all of these junk away.

It's getting a bit crowded in my room, in my heart. I think I need to let go of all the old stuff, the emotions and the thoughts.

I've reminded myself more than enough (stickies here and there) so I think there's no excuse for me to neglect doing this anytime soon.

I need to clean up.

Once again...

with a coffee in hand and a stack of work to keep my spirits up.

I begin another day without you.

I don't know.

...why I miss you and your sabaw pangungulit even if it went on for such a short period of time. I don't know why, despite knowing all the evils you could've possibly done (and do) in your lifetime, I still find myself wondering what will happen tomorrow, in the next week, in the next month...

Will we ever bring back what we began?

Will there ever come a time when I will look back and laugh at myself for making such a big deal out of this?

Will I ever find the sanity to cast these feelings to somewhere noone can ever find?

Will I be able to get over the fact that for now, we can be no more than what we are unless fate plunges its hands and decides to draw me to the nearest path next to yours?

Will I be able to dismiss my penchant for overanalyzing the situation and calm myself down by distracting myself with other things?

So, the day when I no longer think about you and look back at that moment of 'possibilities', is it coming anytime soon?

Why did I have to even start dreaming about you?

Why did I even bring myself to like you this much in the first place when I don't even know who you really are?

BORED - and an excuse to delay POS papers.

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Social Nerd You're interested in things such as politics, psychology, child care, and peace. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a hippie, but some of you may be tree-huggers. You're the type of people who are interested in bettering the world. You're possible the least nerdy of them all; unless you participate in other activies that paled your nerdiness compared to your involvement in social activities. Whatever the case, we could still use more of you around. ^_^
Musician
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Literature Nerd
Anime Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Drama Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

The things I do when I can't think of anything to write in papers.
PANIC + mental block = a glass of milk tea.
Ciao. <3